In my adult life, I seem to be plagued by a particular condition of friendship. And I’ve finally put my finger on what it is. Even before, when I posted about not being the “cool kid”, I really do think that this was the real issue. (And, for what it’s worth, thanks for all those lovely comments you all left me. I certainly wasn’t “grubbing” for comments, but I was definitely pleased to see the outpouring of support. Let it be known that you all? Rock.) When I was younger, I never had this problem. You’re probably wondering what “this problem” is, aren’t you?
It’s about your “friendship status”. Or rather, my friendship status. When I was in school, I never had a problem with being the “a-list” friend. You know what I’m talking about. The BFF (best friend forever), the first one called on a bad day, the confidant, the accomplice, the one that all your time is spent with. I don’t think I was ever without an “a-list” friend, and I was always their “a-list” friend in return. I never stopped to question what it must be like to be the “b-list” friend. The one who, while definitely residing in the ranks of “best friend”, is generally called after the “a-list” friend. The one you come to second or only if the “a-list” friend isn’t available. And I had plenty of “b-list” friends in my tenure on this planet. Now? I feel bad about not putting them on the “a-list”. I didn’t realize just how isolating you can feel, languishing on the b-list.
Of course, I feel a little silly saying anything at all because friends (be they b-list, a-list or even d-list) are wonderful treasures to behold. And it doesn’t simply refer to real life, but to internet life as well. I love blogging and I love the blogging community. But I don’t feel like I really have any “a-list” friends in the blogging world. Or, correction, no one considers me their “a-list” friend. No one treasures my comments above all others, no one is excited to see or meet me at BlogHer, no one weeps upon meeting me. It sounds so incredibly stupid and selfish to say it aloud, that I would like to have that sort of connection. But it’s the truth. And, unfortunately, it’s nothing you can force so there’s not a lot I can do about it. Other than accept it.
But yes, I see this in my real life too. And, for the most part, I’m fine with being the b-list friend. I understand why, it makes sense. Proximity is a huge factor in situations like this and proximity is definitely not on my side. Impromptu gatherings just aren’t going to happen when I live too far away to walk. I’m also not a very forceful person and tend to wait to be invited or called rather than put myself forward. And as my mom used to love to say (used to?? she still says it), “the squeaky wheel gets the grease.” And my wheels are definitely NOT squeaky. Not by a long shot.
I try not to let my feelings be hurt. It’s nothing anyone else has done to me so why would that hurt my feelings? Who knows. Feelings are weird and stupid and if I had any brains at all, I’d just not have any of them. But, whatever. B-list is far, far, far better than NO list, wouldn’t you agree?
{ 4 comments }
jeanie (4 comments.) 05.29.07 at 10:09 pm
hugs for them moment. I would like to say something wonderful and insightful to you right now - can’t think of anything (and that is due to wooly brain due to it being my Red Wednesday) but it would be fantastic and uplifting and you would be punching the air saying “exactly”…
I have always been a loner or part of a group and never done the A-list style friendships so can only imagine your hurting.
You are on my bloglines - does that help you at all? I think you are worth it, but I am not looking forward to you being a Blogher because I won’t be there - I will be here and looking forward to seeing you when and where I do…
So hugs is all I can offer - but I offer them to you, my internet friend.
Nancy (68 comments.) 05.30.07 at 9:29 am
I know what you’re saying here, in fact I just had a similar conversation with a neighbor of mine last night. We were talking about a mutual friend and how she’s got a new friend, and how it shouldn’t really bother us that she’s always hanging with this other person (but it does). And I’m also not a squeaky wheel and I think this is why I’m often the B-list friend. Sometimes I’m OK with it and other times it bothers me. I’m in the “it bothers me” category right now.
I did love meeting you at BlogHer, but I do know I wasn’t around to chat all that much, and I am sorry about that. I would have done much better if there weren’t SO MANY PEOPLE. I much prefer the one on one gatherings.
cagey (98 comments.) 05.30.07 at 2:00 pm
I LOVED meeting you at BlogHer - you and Brit are like the only two that I met there (that I hadn’t met previously online such as Zoot) that I am still in contact with! Seriously. That time that the three of us spent chatting by the pool, just relaxing is one of my very favorite memories from BlogHer. And to me, that is what BlogHer should represent, just relaxing and meeting new folks.
Sometimes blogging is like an extended version of high school and I do know what you mean by your post. I try not to let it bother me that I am not cool or popular and just focus on the very cool friends that I have made via the Written Word.
Michelle 06.01.07 at 2:21 pm
Oh, now, I need to find more time to check your blog! You’ve been on my A-list since high school!! And yours is the only blog I read! I know it’s harder now to talk on the phone (and may I say that I miss the days when my parents paid the phone bill & the internet was free!) but not a day goes by when I don’t think of something that I want to try to remember to tell you. I just suck at the actual remembering. You’re more A-list than you think you are, friend of mine.
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