The graveside service was on the 31st.? It went very well, considering but oh so sad.? Sitting in front of that little blue casket, holding K’s hand.? How did I get there??? How was that *me*?? How could that have happened to me?? Wasn’t I luckier than that?? Well, apparently not.

We had a reception, of sorts, back at the house.? K’s siblings and their kids were in town.? Just for the day.? All I wanted to do was crawl in bed and sleep, but I made it through.? I was glad when it was done, though.

Thursday, the next day, is when we went to San Jose.? I wasn’t all sure I wanted to go and even now I’m not sure if it was the best idea.? We were very glad to be back home again. Now… other news.

The house!? Boy, it’s really coming along.? Believe it or not, it actually looks like a house now.? No fooling.? It’s all framed up, windows, roof, siding and exterior doors.? It’s very exciting. And just what we need right now.? It’s becoming real. The drywall will come next.? They’ve kinda messed up our master bath.? Nothing that can’t be fixed though.? Essentially, they framed out the bathtub as a linen closet.? Urgh.? Imagine we’ll have our own pre-drywall consultation pretty soon.? I’m actually surprised they haven’t called to schedule it yet.

According to CTX, the house should be ready about May 14. Wow.? Well, I’ll believe that when I see it.? Still, it’s coming up very soon and we need to get PACKING.

I went to MOPS on Wednesday.? I was determined to be there.? Those gals have been so wonderful, bringing us meals and all.? And I wanted to see the new babies.? Heidi had hers the day before Jackson was born.? It went well.? Lots of support.? Yes, I did get wistful.? There should have been THREE babies at our table, not two.? But I got to hold both Robbie and Phoebe.? And they were precious.? I’m so glad I got to hold them.

Yesterday was not a very good day here.? While we were still in San Jose, H was a terror.? the turmoil and all the attention really was making act out.? He was a nightmare.? And yesterday there was a continuation.? He wet his pants THREE times in a ROW.? I just lost it.? I hold on by a very thin thread each day anyhow and that just put me over the edge.

Why can’t I have something easy?? It seems we’ve had to struggle so much the last few years.? Nothing has come easy and more often than not, we have disappointment.? Failure.? In this case, all of that and grief.? :sigh

Anyhow.? Taking it a day at a time.? We want to try again ASAP.? Hopefully, it won’t take us as long this time.? That’d kill me.? No, I have to believe that we’ll get pregnant again soon and that we will have a healthy baby at the end of it.

Joy asked us then if we wanted to see the baby.? Of course, there was hesitation.? I don’t think either of us was sure we wanted to see a dead baby, even if he was ours.? Maybe especially if he was ours.? But then I had a flash, of five years into the future and regretting never seeing my baby.? So we said yes.

She came in with him, bundled up in a crotcheted, blue blanket and wearing a smaller sleeper and a knitted cap.? She placed him in my arms.? He was SO small.? Just six pounds even.? And scarcely more than 18 inches long.? Very small.? And he was bruised, all over his sweet little face.? Since they estimated he’d passed three days earlier, his skin was starting to pull away, I saw this on his hands.? But he was perfect.? He looked like our son.? I saw him and I recognized him.? He had my mouth.? And his hair, what little there was, was a little on the curly side and dark.? His fingers felt so right, curled so gently around my index finger.? I’m sad now, knowing he’ll never know my touch.? But am forever grateful that I knew his.? His cheek was slightly warmer.? Or maybe less cold.? But it was still so soft and just the littlest big chubby.? I could have stroked his cheek all day. ? All the rest of my life.

I gave him to K to hold.? I know he was reluctant at first.? But once he had him in his arms, I know he didn’t want to let him go.? Afterward, K said that the *weight* of him felt so good in his arms.? It was that weight that eased his heart a little.? I felt the same. In fact, even after Joy took him away, we felt better than we had all morning.? I wouldn’t say we felt *good*, but we felt able to get through the rest of the day.? I’m so glad I held him.? I’ll cherish that forever.

I could go on about everything that has happened since.? Lord knows, a lot happened.? The highlights: Joy got me a room up on the 3rd floor, the oncology ward to be exact.? The nurses there were fabulous, so wonderful.? K even had a cot to sleep on and he stayed with me until I was discharged (early, because of my pleadings). K’s parents were there by the time I got to my room on the day of the c-section.? My parents came Thursday afternoon.? We met with Pastor Joe from South Reno Baptist while still in the hospital.? He got us set up with a funeral home, the same one that Tim (Carrie’s husband, she’s from MOPS) works for.? We were *amazed* at how well he treated us.? And we didn’t have to pay one red cent.? I think the church may have kicked in for the expenses.? Between that and wonderful Pastor Joe and the fabulous gals at MOPS (who bought us a Honeybaked Ham), we owe that church a LOT.

We’re home. It feels marvelous.? And quiet.? For the first time in weeks, it feels like.

Back to the story.

Someone put an oxygen mask on my face and I remember it made it so hard to breathe somehow.? I had to really concentrate.? Then, a nurse was pressing on my throat and I heard the anesthesiologist telling me I’d feel that pressure and then I’d drift off.? I have a vague recollection of not quite believing her before there was blessed nothingness.

Actually, I think I might have had a dream.? What’s more, I think it was a very pleasant, comforting, peaceful dream.? Maybe I finally had a dream about Jackson?? I don’t know.

I woke up in a room not unlike room 207 (turns out it was room 203) next to the windows and a pulled curtain on my right.? Joy, the nurse who’d taken me into the operating room, was there.? I remember being in no small amount of pain.? I moaned and Joy gave me a shot of something in my IV.? I think she ended up giving me three or so of those wonderful things (turns out it was morphine, natch) before it was said and done.? Shortly after I came to, I looked to my right and K was there, ever kind.? I remember reaching out and taking his hand.? It was so good to see him.? joy chased him away for about 10 minutes before he was back.

When I’d gone in, he went to move the van.? I’d forgotten it was still in the unloading zone out front.? He got congratulated by the lady at the parking garage.? He had to look into the backseat and see the carset, set up and ready to go.? Poor guy.? When he got back, he saw Dr. Brown and they sat and had a long talk about what had happened.

It was a “cord accident”.? He had been very high in the uterus.? A few days earlier he must have turned, wrapping the cord around his neck.? Then when he had tried to drop into the pelvis, the cord had constricted, cutting off the flow that kept him alive.? Completely senseless and unstoppable.

We’re not getting as early a start as I would have hoped.? K isn’t feeling well and we had to go to Jackson’s mass at my parent’s church.? Then we went out to breakfast.? I guess I’m just in a hurry to get home.

To continue: The operating room was rather cheerful, considering.? There were windows.? I recall a good number of machines and stains on the floor.? (come to think of it, that should have disturbed me more than it did)? The bed kinda looked like something from death row.? I laid down and put my arms on those “wings” they have, splayed out at the sides.? My gown was all bunched up around my chest and I remember worrying about someone coming by and looking in the windows on the door.? They placed heavy, warm blankets on my legs and chest.? They painted the betadyne on my belly and legs that were exposed.? It was very cold and I remember them putting it between my legs too, and boy did THAT sting.

I was still rather upset and in the effort to control myself, I started to gasp.? The nurse told me to take deep breaths and try to relax or I would hyperventilate and pass out.

They were going to do the spinal, as planned.? The notion of having that “moment”, where the baby is born not alive, was unbearable.? I told K, “I wish I could just have general.”? Not expecting, of course, to have it at all.? The nurses must have overheard me because she told me they couldn’t do general because there were too many risks.? To who?? The baby?? That, sadly, wasn’t an issue any longer.? Me?? I didn’t *care* about me.? I just wanted the pain to stop.

The anesthesiologist came in, a really nice lady with kind eyes.? I heard her talking to the doctors about anesthesia and doing general.? Then she came and told me I *could* have general.? I’m still fuzzy on the details, but she gave mea? reason why they SHOULD do general.? They probably made that reason up.? And thank God they did.

I got to walk into the surgery room.? Of course, I gave K a hug goodbye, a tight squeeze.? And I kept casting looks over my shoulder at him as they lead me away. I kept wanting one more last look, as if something bad would happen.? After our morning, that’s understandable.