I haven’t written much directly about this… but I felt I should bring up the whole stillbirth thing. I just did a google search on stillbirth blogs and was HORRIFIED to see all the pro *and* anti abortion links that came back. Stillbirth has *nothing* to do with abortion.
Anywho…
Yes, I had a stillbirth. March 23, 2004, a day that will live in infamy. Didn’t really care for March *before* this happened, now I downright hate it. I think I’ll spend this March asleep. :p
There was no good reason for our baby to die. Unless you call the accident that was him entangling himself in his umbilical cord a good reason. I don’t. It’s senseless and that somehow makes it even worse. Because we have no one to blame for what happened. Not us. Not the doctors. It just *happened*. The scariest sort of thing. Because if there is a reason, you can work with it. Prevent it, fix it, whatever. Gain some usable knowledge for *next time*. This “cord accident” (as the doctor called it) had no reason and therefore nothing for us to work with. We simply were sent home from the hospital without a baby.
Would it have been better had I found out Jackson had passed at a regular prenatal appointment instead of at the hospital when I went into labor? I don’t know. I don’t think so. There still would have been the same heart-crushing pain. But on the other hand, there wouldn’t have been Mr Callista and I leaving the house that morning, full of hope and nervous excitement, on our way to the hospital.
Only to have our entire world set on its ear within an hour.
I’d like to be able to say that 9 months later its become easier to deal with. It hasn’t. Rather, I’d say its become harder. At least initially I had shock to cushion a lot of the blow. Plus, I was focused on getting pregnant again as soon as possible.
Well, I should have known better. It took three years and six rounds of Clomid to get me pregnant that time, and getting pregnant again wouldn’t be as simple as I’d hoped. And perhaps that’s why its harder to deal with Jackson’s loss now. Because the loss is compounded by the infertility. Maybe I’ll feel better when we start treatments again.
But I somehow doubt it.
So why us? It’s a question I ask myself and God everyday. I guess it comes down to, “why not us?” :dry It’s just (extremely) unfortunate it also happened to a couple who’d been suffering from infertility.
What is my goal here with this entry? Not sure. But maybe, just maybe, I want to provide Google-land with a search result for “stillbirth blog” that doesn’t include postulating about abortion. :-P
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This is me. I'm a thirtysomething stay at home mom to three kids. For years I was a stay at home mom to one kid and trying very hard to have more. It took a LONG time (ie: 6 1/2 years), but finally Liam arrived and charmed us with his blue eyes and ginormous, round head. Then we got a shock: I was pregnant again and this time it was a GIRL. Our hearts and home are full at last and now that we're done having babies, we get to relax (snort) and watch them grow (not too fast now, you hear?). Thanks for coming by, feel free to dip into my archives, read my About and History pages (just don't do Jackson's Story without tissues!) and make yourself at home.
