:bfn:bfn:bfn:bfn:bfn:bfn:bfn:bfn:bfn:bfn
What does “BFN” mean, you wonder? It’s an acronym for “Big Fat Negative”. The negative in question is on a pregnancy test. And let me tell you, getting that *very* expected BFN wasn’t easy.
I thought I’d be clever and order these fancy Clear Blue Easy digital HPTs off of eBay. Got a pretty good deal on them, was excited to try them out and not have to squint to see if a line is there or not (though in my experience, by the time I test if the line isn’t obvious, I’m not pregnant). Had myself all psyched up to test first thing Saturday morning. I woke up, feeling better from my earlier bout with stomach flu but nervous as all hell. I just wanted to sleep five more minutes, put it off as long as I could. I knew what the answer was going to be after all. Why would *I* be lucky enough to get pregnant right out of the gate like that? What in my recent history has led anyone to believe that sort of blessing is possible? Finally, I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. I get in there, get the test all set up (it’s technical!) and do my thing. What happens? I get an error message. ARGH! :-x So, whatever.
Gotta wait a couple hours to take it again, at least 30 minutes for the stupid test holder thingie to reset anyhow. So I go back up there, this time I do my thing in a dixie cup. But guess what? The damned test holder thingie doesn’t even WORK anymore. :wtf Don’t even get an error message, just blank nothingness. The thing is toast, obviously.
So we decided we’ll pick up a test at Walmart later on. Which we do. I pick up some Answer Early Results because they were cheap. And I’ve used them before with reliable sucess. When we get home I do my thing (in a cup again… I’m taking no chances here!) and it’s fairly obvious before the three minutes are even up that it’s a :bfn. Shocker.
So I told K and the rest of the evening was surprisingly uneventful. I mean, I wasn’t as upset as I thought I would be. Figured it was because I expected this result, I was prepared. Bull HONKEY. Sunday was another story. From start to near finish, the whole day was a travel down in the depths of a despair I haven’t felt since December. The sort of soul-wrenching pain that no one ever wants to feel. Everything about yesterday seemed to make it feel worse.
I was tired of it. Tired of the whole damned thing. Tired of trying and having my heart ripped out, time and time again. And this was only the first round! Of course, it doesn’t feel like the first round. It feels like I’ve been on this roller coaster for years now. In a way, I have.
Today is better. So far. I have a lot of things today to keep my mind off things. But I know that darkness is waiting for me, lurking around the corner, ready to suck me under when I least expect it. Until it does…
:bfn:bfn:bfn:bfn:bfn:bfn:bfn:bfn:bfn:bfn
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This is me. I'm a thirtysomething stay at home mom to three kids. For years I was a stay at home mom to one kid and trying very hard to have more. It took a LONG time (ie: 6 1/2 years), but finally Liam arrived and charmed us with his blue eyes and ginormous, round head. Then we got a shock: I was pregnant again and this time it was a GIRL. Our hearts and home are full at last and now that we're done having babies, we get to relax (snort) and watch them grow (not too fast now, you hear?). Thanks for coming by, feel free to dip into my archives, read my About and History pages (just don't do Jackson's Story without tissues!) and make yourself at home.
