A year ago today I thought I was having gas pains. Turns out they were contractions.
Was it really a year ago? Feels like an eternity has passed. On the other hand, feels just like yesterday.
I keep trying to remember what the weather was like, what things looked like, all that. Maybe a little on the morbid side. Maybe just a natural reaction. We were in our old rental house. God, I’m so glad we’ve moved since then. This would be so much harder if we were still there.
Here’s a poem from “Empty Cradle, Broken Heart”, a book that helped me so much last year.
Song for an Empty Cradle
for AndreaOut my bedroom window rests my gaze
Though the mist of emptiness and pain’s grey haze
I watch the patterns softly formed and changed,
The hillsides’ grasses gently rearranged
By the winds’ caressing touch.From my womb she fell; my breath was stilled
By fear and pain and yet my heart was filled
By the overwhelming wonder of what was Andrea
That now lay white and quiet in my hand.
My baby, my prayers, the life that I had plannedWere gone. And in their place was left
A desert. Hot and empty and so bereft
of hope, save for the splintered dreams I’d planned
That shined like broken bottles in the sand.And soon the minutes into long months turn,
And even with time’s comfort still I year
To hold her once in warm embrace
And say goodbye, and yet, there is a place
I carry her still, within my heart, steadfast;
For even the briefest of memories last.Out my bedroom window rests my gaze
Through the mist of emptiness and pain’s grey haze
I watch the patterns softly rearranged
And know my life, my dreams have all been changed.
My daughter’s life was brief yet such
That in my emptiness I have so much.– Clara Wilbrandt-Koenig
{ 5 comments }
Jen P 03.22.05 at 1:44 pm
Thinking of you today and hoping today is going ok.
Fuzzy 03.22.05 at 3:00 pm
Lots of love and lots of hugs and prayers coming your way
{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}
Anna H. 03.22.05 at 3:15 pm
Thinking of you.
xxoo
Julianna (12 comments.) 03.22.05 at 6:32 pm
I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you. I cannot imagine what you are going through.
Thank you so much for helping me.
I’m glad I found your blog.
Thalia (1 comments.) 03.23.05 at 2:15 am
I’m so sorry for your loss. Something similar happened to a woman I worked with back in my 20s and I remember how awful it was for her. I can’t imagine what it feels like. I hope you have lots of support around you on this anniversary.
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