I made it through yesterday. I called it a “birthday” a few times, and that just didn’t feel right. A birthday is a happy time, a celebration of someone’s life, not someone’s death. “Anniversary” is a better word. The anniversary of his stillbirth. But I made it through, and actually didn’t break down at all, thank God.

We did actually manage a trip to the movie theater. We took H to go see “Robots” which was actually a lot more fun than I expected it to be. The movie got off to a rather slow start and there were some things that took some getting used to. But the humor was pretty fun. Not a four star movie by any means, but as for escapism (which is what we were after), it fit the bill perfectly. I had my a.m. appointment with Shannon to get probed at the RE’s office. That went well also, got the all-clear to go back on the Clomid. Ate some tacos and burritos at Taco Bell (where else can you feed a family of three for under six bucks??). After the movie, we went to the cemetery. We hadn’t been since my birthday and there’d been some heavy-duty weather between now and then. Understandably, Jack’s grave was a mess. We cleared the dead leaves away and tried to make things look as nice as we could. Some of the decorations were just busted however. We planned to go back next month, when the weather clears and replace some of the decor and maybe put down a homemade plaque. It’s always sad when we go and see the new graves that have been installed since our last visit. There were a few, one so recent that the flowers from the funeral hadn’t died yet. Very, very sad.

It started to rain and the wind was whipping up so we left. I hope we go back soon, like we said we would. It may be hard, but hiding from it isn’t going to help things either.

That’s another thing. I made a decision yesterday. I actually made this decision in the restroom at the movie theater, of all places. I am going to be positive. Chin up, eyes on the prize, you name it. And the first step was admitting that I really want this cycle to be “the one.” I always have tended to follow the conservative approach of shrugging off each cycle but I have to be true to myself and admit that I really want to get pregnant this month. This is my last chance for a 2005 due date. Plus I’d be due in December which is something I’ve *always* wanted. So I’m going to remain positive and do whatever I can to make conception possible.

I also made a conscious effort to say goodbye to Jackson. Not to say that I’m going to forget him and move on. Because that just isn’t possible. But it is possible to decide to grow from where you are. And I’m going to grow. Let go of the bitterness, resentment and plain self-pity I’ve mired myself in recent months. Yes, what happened was shitty. But I can’t let it define me. I have to get on with my life and enjoy what comes before me. If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, I don’t want to have the shadow of my grief hanging over what should be a joyous pregnancy. Not to say that the next pregnancy won’t be hard. I know it will. I’ll have a lot of issues to work though. But I want that pregnancy to have it’s own joys and it’s own worries. It’s only fair, right?

So that’s my new resolution. I will be happier person and I will be more honest with myself. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some custom designs I need to get working on.