I’m nervous as heck about this pregnancy. And I’m trying not to be. Which isn’t very easy to do because my brain talks kinda loud and tends to drown out that little mustard seed of faith in my heart.
I want to enjoy every moment, even if something were to go wrong, I want to be able to have the pleasant memories to look back on. I wouldn’t want to look back and remember every moment of this pregnancy being filled with fear and doubt. But it’s very hard sometimes. Human nature is to try to close ones self off from potential pain, distance yourself. That way, if the worst happens, you think you won’t hurt as bad. Which of course is a crock of shit, because you’ll be devastated no matter what. And wouldn’t it be better to have some nice moments to look back on?
Sunday, we went to take a walk. Nearly halfway around the block I had to turn back and go home because my stomach was KILLING me. Very, very cramp-like. Of course, this had me thinking the worst. So I got home, laid down and ate some Tums. And voila, stomach pain was gone. It was just indigestion, of course, but there were some moments there when I felt the other shoe had dropped.
I hate that other shoe. I wish it’d just get lost. Or that I could convince mysel fthat there is no other shoe, that the other shoe is a figment of my imagination. This pregnancy will be okay. We will have a healthy baby. That is my mantra. I repeat that to myself dozens of times during the day, thinking the more I say it, the more I will believe it. So keep praying for me. I won’t be out of the woods for another 200 days at least!
{ 4 comments }
Denise 06.21.05 at 4:40 pm
**HUGS**
Jen (Mahoney) 06.21.05 at 7:18 pm
I wish I could wish all the worry away! *hugs*
Iris (14 comments.) 06.22.05 at 4:59 am
Hey doll - I’m sorry that you (understandably) are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. That must be an awful state of existence to be functioning with that underlying sense of dread and fear.
Lean on us - we love you! Hopefully writing about it is great therapy.
Martie (9 comments.) 06.26.05 at 3:28 pm
I so know what you mean. I had two MC six mos apart and now after two months we are going to try again and I can’t even tell you how scare I am. I think the same things you wrote her about trying to be happy and optimistic. ((sigh))
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