I had myself quite the busy weekend. Of course, I have a busy week ahead of me as well, but a much needed break to post to the blog once in a while is to be expected. ;) The important part is we made it through the weekend and I still wish it were Sunday. Mondays reek.
So I was thinking… mostly melancholy stuff. This pregnancy is so different from my last two. My feelings about everything are new and different. Even more than when I was pregnant with Jackson and I would consider myself pretty on edge for the entirety of that pregnancy. I think I know why though.
Ever since we lost Jackson, I’ve changed. A part of me died that day and when I was “reborn” later, after the shock had worn off (which took a lot longer than I expected), I was a different person. I couldn’t go back to who I was if I wanted to. And, well, I want to. Because “Old Me” was a lot more laid-back about things, alot more trusting. I just don’t have that trust any longer. And I’m a lot more bitter now too. I always thought of myself as a pretty positive person but ever since Jackson died, I’ve found myself expecting the worst on all fronts, not just about having another baby.
For instance, we apply for a home equity loan, I just expect we won’t get it. And did we get it? No. But I expected that. I couldn’t possibly see how we would be fortunate enough to finally be able to pay off all our medical bills and put in a patio in the backyard. I wish I could go back to having that *hope* that I always had. And that belief that everything would turn out in our favor in the end.
Physically, this pregnancy compares quite a bit to my pregnancy with H six years ago. I feel very much the same *physically* as I did then. I don’t feel as :sick as I did with Jackson, at any rate. But I don’t have that innocence and that is the sadest thing of all. I’m so nervous about my July 6 appointment. I’m scared to death that when they do the u/s there won’t be a heartbeat. Now, when I was pregnant with H, had I had the same thing come up with my first ultrasound I doubt I would have been as worried as I am now. I would have assumed that it was too early to see anything and not sweated it. But now, I’m having such a hard time not thinking of everything that could go wrong.
Now I know, logically, if there isn’t anything specific to worry about, that I shouldn’t worry. I haven’t had any bleeding or cramping and things seem to be just dandy. But my mind just can’t help but think of all the exceptions, the times when a woman has been absolutely positive her pregnancy is fine when its most certainly not.
I wish I could be oblivious again. I wish I could believe things will turn out alright in the end. I wish I could stop holding my breath.
Posted by Corri 
This is me. I'm a thirtysomething stay at home mom to three kids. For years I was a stay at home mom to one kid and trying very hard to have more. It took a LONG time (ie: 6 1/2 years), but finally Liam arrived and charmed us with his blue eyes and ginormous, round head. Then we got a shock: I was pregnant again and this time it was a GIRL. Our hearts and home are full at last and now that we're done having babies, we get to relax (snort) and watch them grow (not too fast now, you hear?). Thanks for coming by, feel free to dip into my archives, read my About and History pages (just don't do Jackson's Story without tissues!) and make yourself at home.
