2005 August 25 | slackermama . com

So after writing my post about the lack of support for women who’ve miscarried, I got to thinking. Maybe some of the friends and family of these women aren’t giving the support because they don’t know how to give the support. They’re so afraid of hurting these poor women’s feelings, that they don’t say anything at all. (At least, I hope that’s the case more often than not, and not just because people think any pregnancy lost in the first 12 weeks “doesn’t count”) So maybe if people knew some of the do’s and don’t’s of supporting women who’ve miscarried, that would help. So here goes my own ass-vice. Keep in mind, this is based off my own experiences and some women may feel differently, but this is a great start.

Offer your ear. Let this woman know that you’re there to listen if she wants to talk about what happened and how she feels.
Offer your shoulder. Give her a hug, pat her hand, her shoulder, let her know through gentle touch that you care about her.
Take her out for coffee. Or ice cream. Or lunch. Offer to get her out of the house. You can talk about what happened or not, but a change of scenery helps heaps.
Send flowers. I know, it’s pretty trite, but it works. It’s a visual reminder that someone is thinking of you. And in this age of telecommunications, having flowers delivered can mean that much more.
Acknowledge her loss. She didn’t just lose an embryo or a fetus, she lost a baby. From the first moment she saw that positive pregnancy test, that was a baby in her uterus and she was planning for it and loving it from day one. Something like, “I’m so sorry. I know how much you wanted this baby.”
If you are religious, let her know you’re praying for her and her family. Of course, this is probably only best if she is religious too. A “safe” alternative is to tell her you’re thinking of her. Hearing this always helped me feel a little better.
ETA: Bring her some meals, or at least offer to. A casserole, a ham (I had some wonderful friends bring me a honeybaked ham after Jackson died, how wonderful is that?), a frozen pizza… anything. Just so they have to worry about one less thing for a while.

Don’t’s

Avoid saying, “It was for the best.” It’s never for the best. Yes, chances are with a miscarriage there was something developmentaly wrong with the baby. However, it’s almost like saying it was for the best that the baby had something wrong, or at least that’s how it’ll sound to her.
Don’t say, “You can try again.” Chances are, she’s well aware of this fact. However, especially right after the miscarriage, the last thing she wants to hear about is trying again. At least from anyone else. It has the effect of minimizing the loss, which you definitely don’t want to do.
Don’t ignore what happened. I know this can be tough to do, you are so afraid of making her hurt even more. However, it would hurt more to think that you don’t care or that you don’t consider her loss important. So say or do something, even if its just an “I’m so sorry,” or a quick hug.
No, “It happened for a reason.” Like “It was for the best,” it offers little comfort and makes you come off as insensitive. Even if there was a reason, she doesn’t need to hear it.
Try not to say something like, “Your baby is in heaven now.” If the woman isn’t religious, this could insult her. And if she is, it’s a small comfort when she would far rather have that baby with her.

I hope these lists help. I would like to think that our society will remove this stigma on miscarriage and that someday all women can find the support they so badly need.

Get the word out:

Okay, you remember back when I was complaining about being treated like a hot potato by my doctors? You know, the whole spotting thing plus my thyroid, etc and so forth? GP (General Practitioner) and OB (Obstetrician) were kind of passing me back and forth between themselves, neither willing to deal with my situation at that particular point in time.

Fast forward to today (or rather yesterday, since I’m sorta slow in posting this :blush), where *now* these very same doctors seem to be bidding my attentions. It started with the call from my GP, saying that my TSH was still a 2, but that she’d been talking to a Perinatologist about how best to treat my thyroid during pregnancy and that perhaps I ought to try to get in to see this perinatologist. After I explained I’d had a miscarriage, she suggested that if I got pregnant again, perhaps I could go back to seeing her for the pregnancy as long as I was also seeing this perinatologist at the same time. Didn’t sound like such a bad idea… I love my GP, even if I hate her waiting room, and I’ve seen her for two pregnancies so far, it’d be nice to follow through with her. Plus, I’d have the added bonus of seeing a peri, which I know wouldn’t eliminate all my anxiety (don’t think anything could do that), I know it would help some and at least I’d know I was doing all I could to ensure a healthy pregnancy. But damn, that waiting room!

Yesterday I had my follow-up post-op appointment with the OB. I love that office, I love that waiting room, even though we’re always the last people called back. (We think there’s a note on my chart requesting all nurses to call us back last.) Everything looks fine, she gave me the “all-clear” signal to start trying again as soon as we felt comfortable. She also told us the D&E went very smoothly, she didn’t even have to dilate me at all. Guess those laminarias worked. She said the pathology reports all came back normal, that there wasn’t any reason to think this miscarriage was caused by anything else than fate and perhaps some faulty development along the way. I don’t know if that’s comforting or not, becuase it’s hard to take comfort in knowing that lightning has just struck us twice (three times if you include the infertility; and I do). What’s to stop it from striking again?

Anywho, the OB said she’d love to see us back when we got pregnant again. That’s when we brought up the whole perinatologist and thyroid thing. As soon as we cleared up that we weren’t leveling any accusations about this last pregnancy, she told us that she could definitely work with a perinatologist should I get pregnant again. She also said there’s like five different tests we can run on my thyroid next time, make sure everythings copacetic. They don’t run these tests normally, since they’re rather expensive, but in my case, they may be warranted.

So now I feel as if I have these docs trying to outbid each other. The OB upped the stakes because she does have such a nice waiting room. :lol Well, I have plenty of time before I need to make a decision. But it feels so good, for once, to be the one in power when it comes to my health care.

Get the word out: