How to talk to a grieving woman

So after writing my post about the lack of support for women who’ve miscarried, I got to thinking. Maybe some of the friends and family of these women aren’t giving the support because they don’t know how to give the support. They’re so afraid of hurting these poor women’s feelings, that they don’t say anything at all. (At least, I hope that’s the case more often than not, and not just because people think any pregnancy lost in the first 12 weeks “doesn’t count”) So maybe if people knew some of the do’s and don’t’s of supporting women who’ve miscarried, that would help. So here goes my own ass-vice. Keep in mind, this is based off my own experiences and some women may feel differently, but this is a great start.

Offer your ear. Let this woman know that you’re there to listen if she wants to talk about what happened and how she feels.
Offer your shoulder. Give her a hug, pat her hand, her shoulder, let her know through gentle touch that you care about her.
Take her out for coffee. Or ice cream. Or lunch. Offer to get her out of the house. You can talk about what happened or not, but a change of scenery helps heaps.
Send flowers. I know, it’s pretty trite, but it works. It’s a visual reminder that someone is thinking of you. And in this age of telecommunications, having flowers delivered can mean that much more.
Acknowledge her loss. She didn’t just lose an embryo or a fetus, she lost a baby. From the first moment she saw that positive pregnancy test, that was a baby in her uterus and she was planning for it and loving it from day one. Something like, “I’m so sorry. I know how much you wanted this baby.”
If you are religious, let her know you’re praying for her and her family. Of course, this is probably only best if she is religious too. A “safe” alternative is to tell her you’re thinking of her. Hearing this always helped me feel a little better.
ETA: Bring her some meals, or at least offer to. A casserole, a ham (I had some wonderful friends bring me a honeybaked ham after Jackson died, how wonderful is that?), a frozen pizza… anything. Just so they have to worry about one less thing for a while.

Don’t’s

Avoid saying, “It was for the best.” It’s never for the best. Yes, chances are with a miscarriage there was something developmentaly wrong with the baby. However, it’s almost like saying it was for the best that the baby had something wrong, or at least that’s how it’ll sound to her.
Don’t say, “You can try again.” Chances are, she’s well aware of this fact. However, especially right after the miscarriage, the last thing she wants to hear about is trying again. At least from anyone else. It has the effect of minimizing the loss, which you definitely don’t want to do.
Don’t ignore what happened. I know this can be tough to do, you are so afraid of making her hurt even more. However, it would hurt more to think that you don’t care or that you don’t consider her loss important. So say or do something, even if its just an “I’m so sorry,” or a quick hug.
No, “It happened for a reason.” Like “It was for the best,” it offers little comfort and makes you come off as insensitive. Even if there was a reason, she doesn’t need to hear it.
Try not to say something like, “Your baby is in heaven now.” If the woman isn’t religious, this could insult her. And if she is, it’s a small comfort when she would far rather have that baby with her.

I hope these lists help. I would like to think that our society will remove this stigma on miscarriage and that someday all women can find the support they so badly need.

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