Dear Jackson,
It’s been two years. Though I will be the first to admit, this birthday isn’t as rough as the last one. I’ve done a lot of healing this year.? The first year, after you died, was so hard, so long and so painful.? I’m still unsure how we made it through all that.? But I know there was a lot of depression on my part.? This blog has helped.? So has an improved outlook.
This last year wasn’t without it’s difficulties though.? There was the miscarriage, that hurt a lot more than I would have expected.? Not that I didn’t expect a miscarriage to hurt… but compared to losing you via stillbirth, I thought the pain would be a lot less, somehow.? It wasn’t.? However, the recovery time has been easier.? Not sure what to credit that with, except maybe my determination not to let it get me down.? But August was a rough month.? A rough, alcohol-soaked month.? Why didn’t we think of the whole alcohol thing after you died?? I’m sure that would have helped tremendously. However, might not have mixed with my vicodin prescription that well.
But this has also been a good year for us, on the whole.? Your big brother started school over the summer.? I’ve seen him bloom like you wouldn’t believe.? He’s more confident with other children, though still awkwardly shy at times, as I was at his age. And he’s getting so smart.? He astonishes your father and I on a daily basis.? He’s a jack of all trades right now, a great artist, smart with computers and games, amazing with logic and getting so good at reading and writing I can hardly believe it. He’s so big, and getting bigger every day.? He misses you too, we talk about you a lot.? He really wanted you for a little brother.
But speaking of, we are pregnant again.? I’m hesitant, somehow, to say we’re having another baby.? Though now, at nearly 22 weeks, it seems more of a sure thing than ever.? I’m nervous for your little brother or sister.? I hope to see him or her safely delivered to us in July.? He or She will never take your place, not possible.? But maybe they’ll help fill that hole, just a little bit.
We’re still hoping to get you a gravestone… someone took the one we’d made.? So I’m sorry for that.? We’re hoping to make another stone and place it in the backyard, so we’ll at least have that.
It’s hard to think about you sometimes.? It’s hard to think about all we’re missing, watching you grow up and learn.? I wonder often what sort of child you would have been.? Would you have been calm and laid-back like your big brother?? Or excitable and outgoing?? I guess there’s not much point in wondering, but I do anyhow.
We still miss you.? You will always have a place in our hearts.? We’re doing better now, but it will always hurt.? I hope that next year, I will have a new sibling to talk to you about.? Happy Birthday, baby, we love you.
Love, Mama
This is me. I'm a thirtysomething stay at home mom to three kids. For years I was a stay at home mom to one kid and trying very hard to have more. It took a LONG time (ie: 6 1/2 years), but finally Liam arrived and charmed us with his blue eyes and ginormous, round head. Then we got a shock: I was pregnant again and this time it was a GIRL. Our hearts and home are full at last and now that we're done having babies, we get to relax (snort) and watch them grow (not too fast now, you hear?). Thanks for coming by, feel free to dip into my archives, read my About and History pages (just don't do Jackson's Story without tissues!) and make yourself at home.
