Archive for May 12th, 2006

Mother missing a heart

Posted on May 12th, 2006

Mother's Day CollaborationThere’s a quote out there (I’ve forgotten who first said it) that I’ve always thought encapsulated motherhood perfectly. It goes something like this:

making the decision to have a child is momentous….it is to forever decide to have your heart walking around outside your body…

I learned this when my son was just an infant, and I had to leave him at day care to go to work. That was so incredibly hard to do. I can remember many a time, crying in my car as I drove to work. Leaving him just felt unnatural to me. I only ended up working for about six months before returning home for good. And what a glorious day THAT was!

Which isn’t to say that saying home with a baby or a small child is all roses and butterflies. There’ve been many a time I’ve wanted to strangulate my son. WHY can’t he just get the hang of the potty thing? WHY does he always go nuts and run around like a while child right before dinnertime? WHY is he so sensitive all the time? But the love is always there.

I’m probably the luckiest mom alive. My son is a wonderful, compassionate and caring little boy. Just this morning he vacuumed the stairs (willingly!) for me and took out the trash without even being asked to do so! Then he made me toast. ME! And I’m the mom here! But my six year old little darling likes to take care of me. And I have such a hard time not letting him. Not just becuase it’s great to be pampered, but because it seems to mean so much to him. And I want to encourage that compassion in him. So in return, he gets many kisses and hugs. Did I mention his favorite activity is snuggling with me in my chair?

Naturally, with a child with sweet, we’ve been wanting another for quite some time. Some might say we’re tempting fate, that we couldn’t possibly have another quite like him. But part of it is I’ve realized the depths of love I feel for this little boy and I would so love the chance to share and feel this for another child. Getting there hasn’t been easy. We’ve struggled with years of infertility and loss. Oh, the loss…

I thought Jackson was going to be the next perfect addition to our family. As the weeks wound down, and the preparations finalized, it started to feel real that we’d be bringing a new baby home to live with us. I couldn’t wait to see what sort of big brother my son was going to be. But tragedy put and end to those dreams. The moment we discovered that Jackson had passed inside my womb, the entire world changed. And I learned that that quote about motherhood held for mothers of babies who’ve died as well. Except this time, my heart wasn’t a happy healthy child, this time my heart was broken, outside of my body.

Even the miscarriage we suffered a little over a year later tore out a part of my soul. And the worst part by far was telling my son. Seeing him start to cry when he realized that, once again, he wasn’t getting a baby brother or sister just tore at me. It’s incredible how difficult it is to see your heart cry that way. And to feel it down in your bones.

But now, we’re expecting another. And we have every reason to believe that this time we’ll finally be bringing a baby home from the hospital. I’m ready to give out my heart yet again. And watch it grow, and thrive. I can’t wait.

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Filed under Family Circus, Pregnant? |