Hatin’ | slackermama . com

I’m hatin’, people, and I’m hatin’ on myself. I don’t like who I am right now. It’s not who I normally am. And I’m scared to death that people are running for the hills.

I’m not overly-hormonal. I never have been. (Okay, except for that time in college when I went back on the pill after Kile and I started dating and I was taking 21 credits and working till midnight on Tuesdays, which also happened to be “green pill Tuesdays” once month, and I would often melt into a pile of hormones and may have punched Kile in the shoulder. More than once. :blush) I’m lucky enough to not melt down (too often) in pregnancy. And if I do, it’s from being overwhelmed and not from the raging hormones and OH MY GOD, just do the exact opposite of what I just told you! You need to READ MY MIND! So Kile’s pretty lucky there. I’m a very mellow pregnant person by comparison.

However, I’m not the most *motivated* sort of person under normal circumstances. Because I’m mellow, I run a few cylinders shy of some people. And when pregnant? I’m just as mellow, maybe more so. And I let things fall by the wayside. Partially becuase I know I’ll spaz out in an overwhelmed tornado sort of fashion if I don’t. But then why do I take on everything I do when I know full well it’ll overwhelm me? Maybe because I did this much before I should be able to take it all on now.

Part of the problem is the brain. What HAPPENS to a pregnant woman’s brain when she’s pregnant? Does part of it shut down to save energy and protein for the fetus? Because that’s what it feels like. I tend to forget EVERYTHING when I’m pregnant. I’m lucky if I remember what day it is. And in my line of work? Not such a good thing. I’m not helped by the fact that I haven’t been working on my desktop but rather on my laptop. For some reason, maybe it’s my desk, I’m not as organized on my laptop. No diss’es meant for Gmail which I love, but my email is a LOT harder to organize from the Gmail webpage than from the Thunderbird application I use on my desktop. When my emails are organized, it’s a lot easier to catchup on what needs to be done. I MUST GET BACK TO MY DESKTOP. The only thing stopping me is how comfortable my chair is down here. And comfort these days is a rare commodity. Still, there has to be an end to this madness.

Around the house things aren’t much better. I have my ginormous list of things to do, but how many of them do I actually do? There’s a few things that I can’t do, such as move furniture or boxes, etc. But vacuuming? Dusting? Putting things away? I feel USELESS. I hate having Kile do everything all the time. I mean, I already don’t do the cooking around here. And now there’s dishes piled up in the sink? All the time? The living room is looking better but our room needs LOTS of help and let’s not even talk about the loft and Harry’s bedroom. Why don’t I just DO this stuff? Because then I’ll get further behind in my online work or the Braxton Hicks will get mad and go get their big brothers, etc. I’m really hoping that this is all very, very temporary. That after this baby is born, I can get back to myself again. I want to be uber-productive again. I want to be someone that people can count on, instead of that pregnant flake who drops the ball more than she catches it.

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