Oh the Guilt | slackermama . com

I mentioned last week how when we went to the hospital for the NST, I ran into my family practitioner and had an awkward moment. That has been eating at me.? The fact that we’re not taking this baby to see that doctor has sorta been on my mind anyhow, and then to have her ask us point blank if she was going to be the baby’s doctor?? Well the guilt has been eating at me.

I love that doctor, she’s been there for us through some really rough times.? She was our doctor when I was pregnant with Harry, many moons ago.? She also saw me through every moment of my pregnancy with Jackson.? She’s been my doctor as well as Harry’s doctor since my husband has his job at the university.? Which is essentially since we’ve been married.? Her empathy after Jackson died was a great comfort to us.? She knew how badly we wanted a baby and she wanted to see us have that baby.? She couldn’t take care of me during another pregnancy.? The liability to the Family Medicine Center was too great.? I need to go to an actual OB’s office.

But do any of you recall the troubles I had getting my thyroid tested and getting medication a couple months back?? That was sorta my last straw with that office.? It wasn’t my doctor’s fault, really, but the office.? I was in there today, for the first time since March, and I think I finally put my finger on it.? We’ve outgrown that place.? It’s essentially a doctor’s office that’s located on the university campus.? The doctors are university doctors who also teach med school classes and run a residency program.? They’re very capable and you’d be unlikely to find better doctors elsewhere in the city.? However, the office exudes a certain… vibe.? And because of that, it seems most of the patients are from low-income families.? When we were newly out of college, newly married, a baby on the way… this didn’t seem like a big deal.? It was very convenient to where were living, and since Kile worked on campus, it made him accompanying me to doctor’s visits while I was pregnant with Harry very easy.

But we’ve grown up, we’re past that phase of our lives.? I want this new baby to see an actual pediatrician and I want Harry to start seeing an actual pediatrician as well.? I now have an actual OB and I want to keep it that way.? I want to start seeing an actual endocrinologist to deal with my thyroid issues.? It’s time for us to move on.? As hard as it is to say goodbye to Dr. Brown, I know we need to do it.? She’s been a wonderful doctor and I hate to think that she might think we don’t appreciate all that she’s done for us.

So I feel guilty when I think about it.? I feel guilty when I think how I hemmed and hawed when she asked us about taking care of the baby.? I don’t want to hurt her feelings; that might sound a little silly.? I wish there was a way for her to still be a doctor for our family.? I wish that office wasn’t the way it is.

I was in there today to get a blood draw to test for my thyroid.? And I was reminded why I don’t want to go back there.? I guess I can feel guilty and still want to move forward, all at the same time.? And maybe I shouldn’t feel guilty.? Maybe it’s not guilt so much as it’s sadness.? It’s always hard to move on from one phase of life to another.? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

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