June 2006

I’m officially 35 weeks today. Wow. Did I ever think I’d make it this far? And as far as I am, why can I not stop focusing on the time I have left? Sure, at this point it matters to little more than 2 1/2 weeks, but STILL. That’s 2 1/2 weeks I’d rather not have to wait. At any rate, 35 weeks is pretty good. I’m so almost there. I can almost taste it.

Yesterday’s exciting trip to Labor and Delivery only underscored how close it’s getting. I was getting to see and experience a lot of what I’ll see and experience on the Big Day. I’ll be back there on July 3rd for another NST, since my OB’s office is closed that day. But yesterday I was peering into the waiting room, where my parents will await the news, gazing down the hallway where the newborn nursery is located, craning my neck for a view of the doors that I know lead to the c-section delivery rooms. And getting a visual reminder of how TINY those bathrooms really are. And I got more than a little excited about it all.

And finding out just what this baby IS only added to it. Have I mentioned how HAPPY I am to finally know? And how unsurprised I was that it did end up being a boy after all? The more I looked at the ultrasound pictures from the last u/s, the more I thought they looked like boy parts. And I? Was right. LOVE that.

Considering how I felt when we found out Jackson was a boy (many, many moons ago), I was a little worried I’d feel disappointed. Even though I really didn’t think I would and I knew I didn’t care one way or the other. But sometimes disappointment is there, logical or not. And this time? Not a bit of it. Sure, it would be great to use some of the adorable girl things we’ve gotten or buy pretty, ruffley dresses. But am I sad that I’m not going to have that chance this time around? Not one bit. Baby boys are the sweetest things ever. I have experience to tell me that. I know boys, I can deal with boys. And how awesome is it to give Harry what he truly wanted: a brother? He was so excited and flabergasted and happy when we saw those boy parts on the ultrasound, he couldn’t even form the words. But the smile on his face told me everything.

It all seems so much more real now. We have a face, we have a name, we have a gender… we have every reason to believe this baby is in perfect health right now. The extent of the monitoring yesterday, while long-winded and a little tedious, really has helped put us at ease. Because if there were something wrong, we would have seen some clue of it either on the NST or the ultrasound. So we really couldn’t feel any better about the whole thing.

Well, that didn’t go quite as expected.

I had my second NST this afternoon.? I also had a consult scheduled with a pediatrician so we could get to know him, learn about his practice and discuss care for the baby.? The NST was at 3:40 and the consult was at 4:45.? Both appointments were in the same building so this was going to work out just perfectly.? Or so I thought.

I picked up Kile at work because he wanted to go to this one and get to the OB’s office right at 3:40.? They looked a little shocked to see us.? Why?? Because my NST was scheduled for 3, not 3:40.? And I had an ultrasound for 3:30.

Say what?

Yeah.? So there wasn’t time to do this because the doctor had to leave.? However, they really wanted me to get my NST so they were going to send me to the hospital to get that and the ultrasound done.? The ultrasound being to test for fluid levels and whatnot.? Well okay, sure.? Why not.? So we walk over to the hospital, since all the buildings are connected.? It was a long walk but I’m sure I could use it. ;)? We get up to Labor and Delivery and we get set up in a room with a super nice nurse named Wendy.? We get going on the NST and find Jurassic Park on the tv to watch so we’re set.

Soon, it becomes apparent that the NST isn’t going to be done in time for the consult with the pediatrician so Kile and Harry both go back over to the initial building to meet with him.? I was a little bummed that I didn’t get to meet him but on the other hand, I was getting to lay down, listen to the baby’s heart and watch TV.? Not a bad deal, especially once Wendy brought me some cranberry juice to drink.

By now it was a matter of waiting for the people from ultrasound to come up and get me.? And apparently they’re notoriously slow so Wendy predicted it would be another hour.? And you know what?? She was right.? Kile and Harry got back from meeting with the pediatrician and we watched the rest of the evening news and most of an episode of the Simpsons before a guy from radiology came up to get us.? And I?? Got to ride in a wheelchair.? Go me!? It was nearly 6:30 by now but who’s keeping track?

At first I wasn’t sure if the ultrasound technician was going to be a sympathetic soul.? She seemed pretty closed-lipped and in no mood for funny stuff.? But we were able to crack her shell and Kile asked about maybe getting a peek between the legs.? She seemed agreeable to that so after a quick look at the head, she said very quietly. “Boy.”

“What?”

“It’s a boy.”? Louder this time.? And I started to LAUGH.? Because I think I had a feeling.? Every time Kile would say “she” it just felt wrong somehow.? I looked at the screen and sure enough.? Doesn’t get more “twig and berries” than that.? Of course NOW it’s obvious.? Where was this weeks (MONTHS) ago??? But we?? Are thrilled.? THRILLED.? Because we know now.? And we have some girl things we can (and need to) return.? I already have the boy equivalents all picked out so we’re good.

A BOY, people, in case you missed that part.

After that, everything else seemed pretty much like a blur.? The technician scanned a lot of things, including the cord and even tracked the blood flow IN the cord which really made us feel a lot better.? Between the NST and the u/s?? This kid is doing dandy.? We even got a cute picture of the baby’s face that I’ll have to scan in and post up tomorrow for ya’ll to enjoy.

We got wheeled back up to my room in L&D and it wasn’t long after that we were discharged (but not before running into our family practitioner and having an awkward moment where she asked if she was going to be the baby’s doctor).? On the way home, we both called our parents and freaked them out by telling them we were on our way home from the hospital and it’s a boy.? Hehehe.? Evil, I know.

We walked into the house at 8:00pm.? FIVE hours after I initially left the house.? We treated ourselves to some much needed dinner.? And we’re settling in and realizing, WOW, we’re going to have a BOY.? I feel plain worn out from this day but I’m just SO happy that I know.? And that this baby is healthy, healthy, healthy.? I couldn’t ask for more.

Becuase I haven’t done enough lately what with yesterday’s little pity party and my blog pondering post from last week.? But I’m nearly 35 weeks pregnant, hot and tired and I get to blog about whatever I want to blog about because it’s MY BLOG.? So nyah.

One of Amy’s responses today to a Wednesday Advice Smackdown question involved how to get started with making the money using blogging and freelance gigs.? Anyone who has ever had the slightest interest in writing goes all starry-eyed at the thought of gaining a monstrous blog audience and landing some serious freelance gigs that actually pay you to do what you’re already doing for fun anyhow.? If they deny it then they’re lying.

I grew up wanting to be a writer.? Sure, there were stints in elementary school early on where I wanted to be a radio DJ (huh??), a school teacher, even a WAITRESS at one point.? In the second grade, my school was participating in this program called the “Young Author’s Fair”, and each class would write a story, illustrate it and then that story would get bound into an actual book and submitted to this fair.? And this is when I knew I was meant to be a writer.? Not that I ever won any awards in this fair.? In the third grade, I had a teacher who probably wanted to encourage my passion for writing and gave me a side award for “excellence in bookmaking”.? Yeah, I still have that one.? I certainly did this whole writing thing with more passion than finesse.

I started writing stories in notebooks at home, and then as I got older and school got more boring, I wrote in these books during class as well.? In fact, some of my best writing came during Geometry and Chemistry classes.? I had friends who would read my books as I wrote them and their enthusiasm was a great motivator.? In college, I majored in English and took many a creative writing workshop.? I really enjoyed actually having a class that encouraged me to write stories and where I could learn techniques and hone my skills.? But that’s also where the trouble started.? I realized more and more that I really had a lot to learn about writing.? That my skill had a long way to go to catch up with my passion.? And I stopped writing so much.

Then I got married and had a child… and you know how this goes.? I’ve always kept a journal during each pregnancy though, keeping track of my symptoms, feelings, experiences, etc.? Sometimes I’ve journaled outside of pregnancy but not a whole lot.? I guess this is a roundabout way of saying that when the opportunity came along to start a blog, I knew it was a good thing for me.? I could get writing again, even if it wasn’t stories.? Because in the world of Writerdom, writing is writing.? At the same time I started this blog, I was just closing down a little business I had going where I made “downloadables” for the PC game, “The Sims”.? That whole stint taught me a lot about website creation and graphic design.

So I guess it came as no surprise that I eventually combined the two.? The writing and the graphic design? came together nicely in blogging.? Because when I started with WordPress there weren’t a lot of “girly” looking themes available.? So I learned how to make my themes so I could have something that looked girly on my site.? I’ve always preferred a customized look anyhow.? And I started making themes for other people to download and enjoy.? And that evolved into Lilac Pixels which is a rather successful business these days.? It keeps me busy (sometimes too busy!) and I truly do enjoy working with the graphics and layouts.

But it all comes back to the writing.? I love to write on my blog and even though sometimes I dont seem to have a good topic to write about or enough time to write, I try to get something done every day.? Not really for any audience I might have (thought they might be a motivator), but because I need to write.

This blog is for me.? That’s why I started it, and that’s why I keep writing in it.? Naturally, I’m thrilled if others read it or leave comments because that means that I’m reaching someone else.? But if no one read this site?? I’d still keep writing.? Every day.? Would I love to make some more money from what I do?? Sure!? Why do you think I have the ads up in the sidebar?? Of course, those pay pretty much NOTHING because I’m pretty small potatoes.? But who cares?

Maybe someday I’ll write a book and get it published, and maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll “hit it big” with my blog and maybe I won’t.? If only a few people ever really read this site, then that’s just fine.? I love my readers, all of you make “my job” more fullfilling. If I had known how wonderful having a blog was back before I started, I would have started a LOT sooner.

I didn’t post yesterday.

That makes me a bad blogger.

I have considered not posting today, in favor of taking a catnap, but that would make me an even worse blogger.

I’m only 34 weeks along.? And change.? Three weeks exactly until this baby is born.? Meaning, three weeks from today, God willing, I’ll have this baby in my arms.? But it’s not like I’m on labor’s doorstep.? Then explain to me why I feel like such crap lately?? It just gets worse and worse every day.

Yesterday, I swear I felt like someone had tied cinder blocks to my limbs (and a couple to my eyelids) and everything hurt.? Sunday, after running some errands I was in such poor shape that I had to put my feet up the rest of the evening just to get the contractions to leave me the freak alone.? Today, I’m not only tired physically (for doing what??) but emotionally.? I’m drained.? And it honestly hurts my brain to try to think anymore right now.

Do you know how frustrating that feels?? And do you know how annoyed I am by the fact that I *know* this sounds very much like whining and complaining?? I certainly don’t want to give off the impression that I’m unhappy that I’m pregnant somehow, or that I’m not grateful every day for each roll and kick my weary uterus receives at the hands of this little one.? Nothing could be further from the truth.? But at the same time I certainly don’t enjoy feeling so damned FEEBLE.

I remember all too well how it was after I broke my ankle.? And I was tied to that bed all day, every day.? I couldn’t get myself a bag of chips to eat, much less do anything productive such as cleaning.? And I feel like, in a way, that I’m back at that stage again.? God, I hated that.? And I hate feeling like I can say “Boo” anymore without having to go take a nap or put my feet up.

Three weeks is a long time.? It’ll pass in the blink of an eye, and for that I am grateful.? But from where I stand, it’s a long time to be feeling this way.? The mere collection of crap that needs to be done (remember the list?) builds up every day it seems and stresses me the heck out.? Everything stresses me the heck out, come to think of it.? My nerves are taut and I feel like I’m walking on a very thin wire here.? The stress builds up, the panic of it becoming almost like a tickle in the back of my throat.? My head pounds and my heart starts to pound uncomfortably.? Taking deep breathes to calm myself suddenly becomes hard to do.? And you know what I say?? UGH.? That’s what I say.? I’m sick of that.

What can I do to just chill the FREAK out already?? Surely there’s got to be some sort of action I can take to just let go of all the stress and be calm, right?? Because as short as three weeks really is, it’s a long time to go on feeling this way.