Why isn’t the caffeine from this vanilla cola kicking in?? I still feel like lukewarm crap.? Maybe I can grab a nap.

Liam is neither awake nor is he really sleeping.? He’s in his bouncer seat, grunting away as usual.? Sometimes he sounds so uncomfortable.? I wish I knew what to do to help him out.? I want to just grab him up and hold him in my arms forever.

God, I have so much work to get done.? I’m so behind on design work it’s not even remotely funny.? Sometimes I wonder if I should still be doing this, at least right now.? But I need to.? Catch 22.? I just don’t want anyone to get mad at me.

The sink is full of dishes again.? I need to empty the dishwasher too.? I have a bunch of bottles to clean and I have to pump in about ten minutes.? Damn.? I’m so tired of the cycle of pumping, washing, freezing, warming…? But I can’t miss a pump session.? Which means I’d better get out there and start washing.

Oh my God, is it after 11:00 already?? I haven’t taken a shower yet.? I need to take a shower before 3:00, when I need to pick up Harry from school.? We’re going to (try to) go out to dinner tonight, so I’d at least like to be clean.? I’ll have to try to get a shower in after lunch sometime.? Hopefully Liam will take a nice nap right about then.? I should have taken that shower this morning.? What was I doing this morning?? I don’t even remember anymore.

I still feel a little sketchy from being sick yesterday.? I had a fever, was sick to my stomach.? I got it from Kile, who got it from Harry.? I’m hoping and praying that Liam won’t get it.? I don’t think I can handle a sick infant right now.? I want him healthy.? He’s too little. ? He’s growing every day but he’s still so small. Please, don’t let him get sick.

Okay, that’s it.? I’m picking him up and putting him on my chest.? He’s still grunting, but he seems a lot more comfortable.? He’s so warm, and cuddly and sweet, I feel an overwhelming urge to just ingest him.? Hold him closer.? Well, look at that.? He’s drifting off to sleep.? I should have picked him up ages ago.? How awful a mom am I?? But he’s here now.

All those long, horrible years, trying to have a baby.? The pain, the depression, the loss, the disappointment… it was worth it.