So.? Liam has had his tongue tie clipped for over a week now.? And we’ve been trying the breastfeeding.? I will admit that I’m only really trying it once a day.? And a lot of that is because I feel unsure and insecure about it.

With Harrison, I never really questioned breastfeeding.? I did it because I must.? I chose to breastfeed because I thought it was the most convenient, least expensive way to feed my baby.? And it was both things.? Sure, there was lots of pain and frustrating in those early weeks, but we got it because I did not want to have to deal with formula.? I knew with my personality, the possibility of running out would have me stressed out.? Even though it would be a simple matter of getting more at the store, I would still worry.? What if we ran out of money that month and couldn’t get more? What then?? And let’s not even talk about having to get up in the night to fix a bottle of formula.? I can hardly keep myself from knocking into walls in the middle of the night, much less be depended on to properly prepare a bottle of formula.? I breastfed because I felt it was my only option.? I didn’t even think about not suceeding.? It wasn’t even a possibility.

In a lot of ways, you could compare it to how getting pregnant and having a baby was for us.? The first time around, it just happened.? I didn’t even really consider not being sucessful.? And so the second time, I had a big education in store for me.? It didn’t happen as easy as it happened the first time.? I had to readjust my expectations.

That’s what happened with breastfeeding this time around.? As soon as I saw Liam, all 4 pounds and 15 ounces of him, I knew it was going to be rough.? The nurses and doctors, rightly so, were concerned about his weight gain.? I requested a pump and got it.? I knew I’d need it.? I tried him at the breast, but they were so BIG and he was so *small*.? It just didn’t really seem to work.? So he had formula in the hospital.? I didn’t want him losing much weight and he didn’t.? Only three ounces.? And by the time we left the hospital, he was on 100% breastmilk.

I stopped offering the breast as often.? It didn’t seem to be working, and the pumping was working.? I had my hands full.? HAVE my hands full.? And practicing at the breast just fell by the wayside.? Negligent of me, I know.? But even now, looking back, I don’t know if I would have done it any different if I’d had the choice.? It’s just the way it was.? Liam’s tongue tie didn’t help things, either.? His latch was horrible and he always left a “compression stripe” on the nipple when we would practice.

I don’t think it’s going to work for us.? I hate that.? I wanted to have that breastfeeding experience again, especially because I’m not sure if we’ll ever get to have another baby or not.? And now, as I sit here hooked up to the pump yet again, I’m having to admit that I don’t think Liam will ever be able to really breastfeed.? He just really doesn’t care for it.? He acts as if I’m trying to kill him half the time, and the other half he’ll suck and suck, maybe get a little and then get frustrated that it’s not coming as quick as he’s gotten used to.? And nipple confusion seems a vast understatement to what he experiences.? He just plain hates it.? He loves the snuggling, but hates the expectations.? And I don’t want to push the issue if he doesn’t want to do it, you know?

Now… if I could just get over the whole guilt thing…