October 2006

I haven’t really addressed this issue since Liam was born, but I didn’t want anyone reading to think that this is not on my mind.? Particularly those reading who have had similar experiences.? What I’m talking about is Jackson.? Stillbirth.? Loss.

I’ve found myself looking at the pictures we took of him and finding ways in which he and Liam look alike.? They had the same mouth and chin.? But Jackson’s head was more like Harrisons.? I can’t comment on eyes, since I never got to see them.

I read something yesterday that made me think.? Columnist Jeff Zaslow wrote a column a few years ago for the Wall Street Journal, apparently, on parents who have survived the loss of a child.? And he discussed how there is no word for those people.? If you lose your parents, you are an “orphan”.? If you lose a spouse, you are a “widow” or “widower”.? How about if you lose a child?? What are you called then?

I like to submit an answer.? If you lose a child, you are called a “parent”.? Because regardless of whether or not you have existing or subsequent children, you are a parent for always and forever.? You aren’t a parent in the way society most commonly views being a parent, or even in the way you always expected and imagined it would be.? But you do have a child.? The word “parent” doesn’t seperate you from the more fortunate ones who have living children, but it does let you know that you are a member of that club.? I hope that someday all of us as parents can embrace those of our ranks who have lost their children better than we do now.? Give them the honor and respect they deserve.

It’s been 2 ¹/₂ years since we lost Jackson on that harsh March morning. While I’m about a million times better than what I was 2 years ago, I’m a million years away from being over it.? I’ll never be over it, not for the rest of my life.? There’s a lifetime of mourning left for me to do.? Hemingway once bragged that he could that he could write a novel using only six words.? Of course, no one believed him and in order to prove it, he gave them the six words: “For sale: Baby shoes, never worn.”? Truer words, people, truer words.

Ironic I should post about sleep issues after I’ve posted a post praising the heavens for my wee infant sleeping through the night. But all you out there who have tripped down this particular path before know that just because a baby sleeps through the night one night, it doesn’t mean they’ll sleep through the night EVERY NIGHT. Unless your baby is perfect. In which case, I don’t want to hear about it.

It’s going okay, Liam hasn’t recreated his miraculous feat of sleep yet. But I don’t really (entirely) expect him to either. Last night, though, was particularly atrocious. Of course it was, it was my night to deal with him. Kile had put Liam down in his crib last night while he was playing on the computer. And, holy cow, the child did sleep in his crib. But because of this we didn’t get his diaper changed, or make sure he ate before we ourselves went to bed. So we had to wake him up to change his diaper. Which, at that point, might as well take him into bed with us because he’s already awake. And he ate a little, but not a lot because the poor lad was still pretty sleepy. But then he was up, off and on, all night long. This morning I took one look in the mirror and said, “Oh good Lord, it’s a coffee day.” (I don’t have coffee every day, usually just on the weekends and on particularly rough mornings)

Ahem.

So you’re probably wondering why we didn’t just put him back in the crib and try to have him sleep there. This is a good question. By this point in infancy with Harry, I was more than ready to get him into the crib. We all slept much better after he slept in his crib. This time? I’m the one that’s not ready. I don’t doubt that we could probably get Liam to sleep in his crib fairly easily. Sure, I imagine I’d have to get up a couple times a night to tend to him, but he would eventually get it. But I don’t think *I* could handle it. He would be in a whole other room. And while that room shares a wall with mine and we do have a baby monitor (one that I think has been used a grand total of two times since Liam was born), I wouldn’t be content with just that. No, I would have to get up, go into that room and place a hand on his back or chest to feel it rising up and down. I do that all night long while he’s with us, for sure. I’ll wake up briefly, just long enough to feel for his breathing. How much sleep would I lose if I had to get out of bed and venture into the nursery? Not to mention the sleep I would lose if I just lay there awake, worrying?

So yeah, Liam still sleeps with us. Not only that? He’s not in the co-sleeper anymore. :blush We were all happier with him snuggled in with us. Even though our bed isn’t really big enough for that sort of situation (we have a queen, shame of all shames), we make it work. If Kile and I wake up with cricks in our necks, then so be it.

I’m not ready to separate Liam from myself. I worked so hard to get him, I don’t want to be overprotective, but I can’t just let him go either.  Eventually, I’ll have to make myself do it. He’ll have to sleep in his crib eventually. But right now, I sleep a lot easier knowing he’s right there next to me.

…and the angels sung a mighty chorus…

Ya’ll?? Liam slept through the night last night.? Clear through, from 11:30 to 7:30.? Isn’t that FAN-freakin’-TASTIC?? Of course, this happened on Kile’s night.? But since I find I’m up just as much when it’s Kile’s night as when it’s my night, it was nice for me too.? How awesome though, that’s a real milestone.? It also means he’ll soon be ready to move into the crib in his own room.? I hope.

P.S.? As if that wasn’t enough for one day (well that and the truly adorable picture of him (I look hideous as always) we got taken today), he rolled over this morning.? Has yet to duplicate that trick, but DANG, kid, keep it to one milestone a day!? Your poor parents can’t keep up!

Wow, how much of a slacker can one person be?? In my case, apparently quite a bit.? It has come to my attention that I haven’t posted SINCE TUESDAY.? Gah.? Ya’ll that’s just inexusable.? I wish I could say I have a good excuse but anything I’m gonna tell you is going to reflect poorly upon my person so I’ll just keep my mouth shut.? So I’ll just say that I blame Kile ENTIRELY for my slack-i-tude and leave it at that.

It may or may not have anything to do with an online computer game.? NOT Halo.? Ahem.? I’ll shut up now.

Of course, the majority reason for slacking is the wee one himself.? He’s so CUTE that I can hardly blame him much.? Is it his fault that I just want to nibble on his fingers all day long?? Okay, it MAY be his fault that he’s just fussy enough to want to be held all the time these days.? I’m lucky if I get to put him down for more than a half hour at a time.? So what else do I have to do but spend hours mindlessly playing on the computer while Liam naps or eats?? Not that I do, mind you, I’m just saying.

Harry has been out of school this week too.? He’s on his five weeks off (he goes to year round school, remember?).? So far so good with keeping him occupied, though I have noticed he’s wanted to go outside a lot more than he used to.? I think he’s gotten used to the groove of going out for recess.? Which is a good thing!? And he hardly has been watching cartoons or playing xbox at all, which is a very good thing as well.? We have been watching a movie (at least one) each day together, though.? We switch off days on who gets to pick what we watch.? Friday, I picked Godzilla.? On Monday, he wants to watch something with Jim Carrey in it because according to him, “he’s the funniest guy in America.”? It’s hard to disagree, no?

God, is it October already?? When the heck did that happen??