Two years ago, I wasn’t feeling it.? The whole “Christmas” thing.? I spent the entire holiday season feeling incredibly stressed out and unbearably depressed.? My unhappiness hit it’s peak when we traveled to Elko to spend Christmas with my in-laws.? This, not-so-coincidentally, was when I started my blog.? I’ve always loved Christmas but I hated it that year.? And, of course, I had good reason.? We had lost our baby, Jackson, that year, and had also purchased and moved into our first house as well.? And anyone who doesn’t think that purchasing their first house and moving into it is stressful hasn’t done so before.? Or at least, they haven’t done it with marginal credit and a paltry bank account.? That certainly adds a little “flavor” to the entire thing.? By the time Christmas rolled around, the last thing I felt like doing was celebrating. I wanted to crawl into a hole and pull it in after me.? Bah, humbug!

You would think that this year, this Christmas, I’d feel entirely different.? But I don’t.? I feel very much the same as I did two years ago.? Depressed and stressed.? Except that this time, I don’t really have a reason to feel that way.? I think it’s more stress than depression, thank goodness, but it all amounts to not being into the Christmas spirit.? Not one bit.

I’ve got so much to be happy about this year.? Liam, being chief among those reasons.? But instead of being filled with Christmas joy, I find myself facing the holiday with dread and angst.? I know our finances are a big reason.? I hate worrying about money.? We haven’t been able to get anything for my in-laws family yet.? And since we have no date arranged with them to exchange gifts, we’re hoping that it’ll be put off until after Christmas and we can do our shopping for them then.? I hate having to worry about buying gifts.? I haven’t been able to get Kile anything, which is fine.? We can either exchange gifts later or not at all.? But he’s the most important person in my life, besides my children, and I hate not being able to get him something nice to enjoy.? We’re worrying about a Christmas party we’re throwing here next Friday night and how we’re going to afford gas to drive down to San Jose on the 23rd.

The sight of the Christmas tree hasn’t warmed my heart.? Kile is outside right this very minute, putting up our icicle lights.? And I don’t even know if I care that they’re up or not.? My birthday is on Tuesday and I wish it were a month away because I don’t feel it.? I don’t know what I can do to get into it this year.? I’m honestly afraid that I’ll just hope its over as soon as possible, so I can get on with things without the heavy, heavy expectations the Christmas season seems to bring these days.? Hmm.? I think I already do.