Spiral | slackermama . com

Wow, it’s a rough week. Actually, things have been rough, but this week they’re just worse. I miss my son. We talked to him last night, and he sounded sad. He said he wasn’t sure if him going to Elko was such a good idea after all. He missed us, he missed home. That was hard to hear. I wanted to run and get him, wrap him up in my arms and hold him tight. But there’s that 300 miles thing that prevented me. This puppy is kicking my butt. It’s just not great timing to have a puppy. Before Liam or after he’s about a year old would have been a lot better, I think. Ultimately, it wasn’t my choice though. This is a dog for the boys. Harry desperately wanted a puppy. He misses those damned cats all the time. But the added stress of a young puppy is tough. Dealing with a baby is bad enough, but now I feel like I have another baby to watch. And I am uber-paranoid about accidents on the floor, about chewing on things that shouldn’t be chewed on. And these things are a fact of life with puppies. It’s freaking me out and I’ve felt incredibly on edge for the last several days.

I feel depressed. Nothing is getting done around the house. The dishes are piling up in the sink, the laundry is screaming to be laundered. These are things I normally would be (relatively) on top of. And while I know it all needs to be done, my motivation is nil. It’s this neverending spiral, knowing it needs to be done stresses me out but I can’t bring myself to do it so it doesn’t get done and I stress more about it not getting done and I KNOW I have to do it and it’s just getting worse and worse and worse…

I have to wonder if this is because of my thyroid meds. Or rather, the fact that I’m not taking them right now. My prescription ran out ages ago. I had the pharmacy call in a refill but last I checked (a long time ago, alas), the doctor’s office hadn’t responded. Which doesn’t surprise me, given their track record with this sort of thing. I could go in and get retested but I still have guilt and issues with going into that office. I could get a new doctor, like I’ve been planning to do, but there’s that motivation thing again. I just don’t have it. Meanwhile, each day I feel myself slipping further and further down. Responsible? Hell no. But I know if it were one of my children that needed something, I’d be on it like white on rice. However, this is me. And we all know, moms put themselves last. There’s a voice in there that says, “you’re not as important.”

I don’t like this feeling. But at this point, I don’t know what to do to stop it.

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