March 2007

So it would appear my site is still here!  Wootness!  Let’s hope it stays that way eh?  In the meantime, I have a lot on my mind but no one subject would seem to warrant it’s own blog post.  So let’s do a bulleted list, shall we?  Oh hush, I know you like them.

• Am I seriously the only one who thought “Lost” rocked last night?  I’ve heard some people complain about how it was pointless, but I’m thinking that that was sorta the point.  After all, not every week can be earth-shattering because then we would be become blase and disaffected.  And we don’t want that.  I thought it was great.  I loved how they played upon the audience’s dislike and distrust of Paulo and Nikki.  The duo obviously had to be killed off, but the manner in which it happened was nothing short of awesome. And Billy Dee Williams?  LOVE.  That was fantabulous right there.  So quitcherbitchen’ folks.  I’m sure we’ll get back to the gravitas next week.  In the meantime, being buried alive with $8 million in diamonds has to go down as BEST DEATH EVER.
• On the other hand, “American Idol” made me MAAAAAD.  I already blabbed all about it over at Watching Reality TV, so you can read that, but rest assured that I think America is a bunch of brain-dead rednecks now and I’m not sure what will have to happen to restore my faith in humanity.
• Liam has slept in his crib for naps since Tuesday without trouble and has done a little sleeping there at night as well.  Not so much the night before last (since it was my night, natch) but last night he slept in there until about 3am, which is tremendous progress.  He also drank very little milk last night so I’m hoping he’s working towards cutting out the eating at night as well.  Fingers crossed for a smooth night tonight, since I’m back on duty.
• None too soon, as it would appear my milk is starting to dry up.  I’ve been taking Fenugreek, but it doesn’t seem to have kicked in yet.  Part of the problem could be that I didn’t pump for about 24 hours last weekend.  Whoops.  So there’s been a lot of defrosting of the deep-freeze milk this week.  The piddling amounts I’ve been getting at my pump sessions is downright depressing.
• Ew.  On “The Today Show” just now they said that keyboards are more germ-ridden than your average toilet seat.  Great.  I’m sure my laptop is just a breeding ground for ebola.
• The pup seems to be progressing towards being housebroken.  A little.  I mean, this is the second morning in a row that I haven’t found a little pile of puppy doo on the rug in the kitchen.  That makes me HAPPY.  The less poop I have to clean up in a given day, the better.

Liam seems to be ready for his morning nap now, so I’m gonna boogie.

So I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but my site was down for the last day or so.  Ever since yesterday evening, as it happens?  Why?  I’m not entirely sure but I think it was because I installed a plugin (which I will not say which one just in case it wasn’t the nasty culprit).  And that plugin made my site explode.  And then my host got scared and pulled the plug.  And I emailed them and said, “Yo, what up?”  And there followed the noise of crickets.  And I tried to resolve the issue but still heard nothing.  FINALLY, not five minutes ago, my host finally reinstated my site so I could remove the plugin and see if that fixed the issue.  So what do I do (besides remove the plugin, natch)?  I post to my blog, duh!

I don’t know how long this will last, however.  So if I happen to go “poof” again, rest assured that I’m over here, losing my proverbial nut and running around in circles like a constipated wiener dog.   And that, eventually, all will be well again.

Hopefully it won’t come to that and my site will remain intact.  Friggin’ plugins.

Wow, I can’t believe it’s Monday already.  Where the heck did my weekend go? And is there any way that I can get it back?  Because I don’t think I was able to enjoy it quite as much I should have been able to.  For one thing, it was entirely too short.  For another thing, I was away from home a large portion of the time and knowing what a homebody I am, you must realize how much that pains me.  I was “on duty” with Liam Friday night and it went about as well as could be expected.  Which is to say not well at all. He was congested and whiny all night long.  If I dared to leave his side, he’d cry.  If I laid next to him, all he would do is moan and flail all night long.  So I stayed with him.  He got some sleep, I got, like, none.  And on that happy note, Saturday began.  We had plans to go visit Kile’s sister and brother in law who were staying in a cabin over in Portola which isn’t that far from here.

I wanted to stay home.  I wasn’t feeling that hot (thanks to the Sick that is circulating our house), and I was exhausted.  Liam obviously wasn’t feeling good either.  And I thought, hey, why don’t the boys just go without me, leave me and the baby and the dogs and just go have a good time.  Sounds like a rational plan right?  Nuh-uh.  Kile wouldn’t leave without me.  So I went.  I’m still not sure if I should have gone, because all I did was lay around like a sack of potatoes.  I even went to bed early, the wet blanket that I am.  Ah well, it’s in the past.

Sunday, we went with them back into town and had breakfast at the Atlantis buffet.  These casinos are known for their buffets and the Atlantis has the end-all-be-all of Sunday brunch buffets.  Of course, it costs an arm and a leg.  Thankfully, we didn’t have to pay.  Heh.  But yeah, I had (at least) two glasses of champagne and a plateful of shrimp and salmon (I wasn’t brave enough to try the crab legs, though I heard they were fantastic).   Very delish.  We did some shopping as well over at Sam’s Club (who doesn’t enjoy an afternoon at a warehouse shopping club??) before heading home.  And that was it.  That was my weekend.  I was on duty again last night (it went smoother this time) and the next thing I knew, it’s Monday morning and I gotta roll my tired butt out of bed.

Boo!

Today would have been Jackson’s third birthday. Wait. No, that’s not quite right. Today is three years from the day that Jackson died…. hmm. No, that’s not right either. Okay, let’s just say that today is three years from the day that I gave birth to our stillborn baby, Jackson via c-section. Today is three years from the day we learned he was no longer alive. I don’t know which day he died, to be sure. The doctors estimated that he’d passed two or three days previously, but we just don’t know. So March 23 is the day. His birth. His death.

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a bit easier this year. And I’m pretty sure that’s because this year we have Liam here, safe in our arms. Not that Liam replaces Jackson, but that our thirst for a baby has been stated somewhat and the pain of losing a baby and being seemingly unable to have another isn’t as sharp now that we’ve proved we are able to have another. And I’m so glad it’s easier because I was so over it being SO HARD. And I will admit that having Liam around has made me miss Jackson a little more. I can’t help but watch Liam start to smile and laugh and think about what Jackson’s smile and laugh would have been like. I see Liam’s pink, healthy skin and firm muscle tone and remember that I never got to see Jackson with pink, healthy skin or firm muscle tone.

What would that third birthday party have been like? What sort of friends would Jackson have and what sort of toys would he be interested in? Would he be busy, busy, busy? Would he be sweet and mild mannered? Would he love cartoons and would The Backyardigans be his favorite? These are questions I’ll never know the answer to. That makes me so sad. No one should ever have to lose a baby. It’s agony.

I made a little video. It features “Into the West” by Annie Lennox. It’s the song she recorded for “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King” and she won an Oscar for it. It’s a song I’ve always associated with Jackson, as it is pretty much about death. The lyrics for the song came from a speech Gandalf made to Pippin when explaining why he wasn’t afraid of death:

Pippin: I didn’t think it would end this way.
Gandalf: End? No, the journey doesn’t end here. Death is just another path… One that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass… And then you see it.
Pippin: What? Gandalf?… See what?
Gandalf: White shores… and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.
Pippin: [smiling] Well, that isn’t so bad.
Gandalf: [softly] No… No it isn’t.

It’s just bad for those of us left behind, I suppose. This video isn’t much. I don’t have much, really, to commemorate Jackson. We don’t even have a proper headstone (still) for him at the cemetery. But it’s something.

[video]http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5625027596790826624&hl=en[/video]