Today would have been Jackson’s third birthday. Wait. No, that’s not quite right. Today is three years from the day that Jackson died…. hmm. No, that’s not right either. Okay, let’s just say that today is three years from the day that I gave birth to our stillborn baby, Jackson via c-section. Today is three years from the day we learned he was no longer alive. I don’t know which day he died, to be sure. The doctors estimated that he’d passed two or three days previously, but we just don’t know. So March 23 is the day. His birth. His death.

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a bit easier this year. And I’m pretty sure that’s because this year we have Liam here, safe in our arms. Not that Liam replaces Jackson, but that our thirst for a baby has been stated somewhat and the pain of losing a baby and being seemingly unable to have another isn’t as sharp now that we’ve proved we are able to have another. And I’m so glad it’s easier because I was so over it being SO HARD. And I will admit that having Liam around has made me miss Jackson a little more. I can’t help but watch Liam start to smile and laugh and think about what Jackson’s smile and laugh would have been like. I see Liam’s pink, healthy skin and firm muscle tone and remember that I never got to see Jackson with pink, healthy skin or firm muscle tone.

What would that third birthday party have been like? What sort of friends would Jackson have and what sort of toys would he be interested in? Would he be busy, busy, busy? Would he be sweet and mild mannered? Would he love cartoons and would The Backyardigans be his favorite? These are questions I’ll never know the answer to. That makes me so sad. No one should ever have to lose a baby. It’s agony.

I made a little video. It features “Into the West” by Annie Lennox. It’s the song she recorded for “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King” and she won an Oscar for it. It’s a song I’ve always associated with Jackson, as it is pretty much about death. The lyrics for the song came from a speech Gandalf made to Pippin when explaining why he wasn’t afraid of death:

Pippin: I didn’t think it would end this way.
Gandalf: End? No, the journey doesn’t end here. Death is just another path… One that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass… And then you see it.
Pippin: What? Gandalf?… See what?
Gandalf: White shores… and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.
Pippin: [smiling] Well, that isn’t so bad.
Gandalf: [softly] No… No it isn’t.

It’s just bad for those of us left behind, I suppose. This video isn’t much. I don’t have much, really, to commemorate Jackson. We don’t even have a proper headstone (still) for him at the cemetery. But it’s something.

[video]http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5625027596790826624&hl=en[/video]