Rarely have I felt worse about myself than I have this week, or more specifically, in the last day or so. I remember when I was younger and put stock in such things, reading in a horoscope that Sagittarius (which is what I am) are without tact. And I remember thinking, “Well! Not me!” I always thought of myself a very conscientious, quiet and well-mannered. Apparently this whole tactless thing gets worse with age because I’m starting to think I must have a distinct lack of it. As I get older, I more rarely think before I act or speak and that seems to get me in trouble quite a bit.
And this week, well, I’ve hurt feelings. I’ve aggravated people, inconvenienced them, abused their good natures and taken them for granted. Being that I’m still a people pleaser at heart, this does tear at me. I guess I’m glad that it does, otherwise what would that make me?
I’ve cried a river in the last day, but not enough to soothe my guilty conscience. I very well might not have any friends anymore, because of the stupid, thoughtless things I’ve done. Considering how long I waited for friends, that’s the worst punishment of all. I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s a punishment that I’m realizing more and more that I deserve. I made some bad mistakes. Doesn’t make me a bad person, I hope, but doesn’t make those mistakes any less awful. And hurtful.
I’m not sure what, if anything, I can do to make up for what I’ve done. My heart hurts to think of it.
{ 2 comments }
cagey (98 comments.) 06.30.07 at 8:06 pm
Sometimes, a heartfelt apology can go a long, long way.
I am in the process of sending an email to friend saying just that, because I know I’ve been a shitty friend for the past 6 months. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
If it helps any, you were a good friend to me this week, exactly when I needed someone to tell me everything would be fine when I was little shaken over my troll. You even offered to hold down the troll down and tickle him/her for me. I needed that!
Nancy (68 comments.) 06.30.07 at 9:30 pm
It sounds like you’re the kind of person who is pretty hard on yourself. I know, I’m like that too. Sometimes I dwell on things that I’ve done and said long after the other person has forgotten and moved on. And you know, being truly sorry for things you’ve done that may have proven to be hurtful is not a given — what I mean is, not everyone feels real regret when they have hurt someone else. To me that’s a sign of a caring person and a real friend.
I hope you can resolve whatever this issue is. Hugs from me to you.
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