Today is Liam’s first birthday. At 2:00pm on the nose, as a matter of fact. I’ve been dreading this moment from the day, the very hour, he was born. Because this moment signals my baby growing up. Having had Harry before him, I knew this first year would blaze by and never look back. And so I knew to try to cherish each moment. I think I did, but the moments still slipped between my fingers like sand. The tighter I would grasp, the quicker they’d slip. Looking back, I honestly can’t think of any times in which I wished time would speed up. I’ve amazed even myself, this last year, with my patience. Because, let’s face it, I’m not a very patient person. Even the middle of the night, when I’ve had to stumble into his room blindly (bashing into walls as I go), all I would need to do is scoop him up and hold him close to me and I would become overwhelmed with the desire to stand like that and hold him like that for the rest of my life. It won’t be too long before I cannot do that anymore.

This has been the most amazing year. It’s like the answer to the question, “What happens after your fondest wish is answered?” Actually, it’s been exactly that. Liam has been our Answer. And, you know, it’s been as wonderful as you’d expect. As we’d hoped. He has filled an open spot in our hearts and in our family so neatly, it’s as if he’s been here all along. He’s so different from Harrison and it’s truly been a joy discovering his personality and celebrating those differences. And then we’ll turn around and find out he’s more like Harrison than we thought and we are charmed by that as well. Because it further asserts that these two boys of mine are brothers. Brothers for life. How awesome is that?

Harry is already talking about us having another baby, can you believe it? He thinks he might want a girl this time. Though I wonder if that’s just because his best friend has a little brother and a new baby sister. Whatever the reason, I can’t help but think that I just want to enjoy this time with Liam for the short while it will last. I do want another baby, and sooner rather than later, but I want Liam to be my baby just a little while longer too.

Thinking of him growing up makes me want to cry. I love to watch him discover and learn and delight in the world around him but with each new discovery, he’s growing further and further away from me. I just don’t feel like I’m ready for that yet. I’m not ready for him to be one year old, but the day has arrived despite my wishes. So today, we will celebrate his life and the wonderful impact he has made on us and our family. We will eat, drink and have cake and ice cream. I’ll take pictures and document the day. And I’ll try to ignore the fact that my heart is breaking.

Here’s a little video I made for my beautiful boy. Enjoy, if you want to.

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