Wow, I feel like I’ve been bombed back to the stone age. First off, I want to thank Loralee and Liz for your comments on yesterday’s entry. And I want to thank my sweety for trying to highlight what the actual meaning of the post was (lot of good that did). As you can see, I have removed the post. I don’t generally like to delete things off this blog. It feels very dishonest to me and feels like revisionist history in a way. Moreso than it already is, I guess. But I felt that it was for the best and no good could come from further discussion as the message I was trying to discuss was already completely lost.
That message? LIFE SUCKS. But then, when doesn’t it? I don’t know what makes me so dang BAD at this but apparently I can raise people’s ire without my knowledge and without even trying. Or rather, by letting the hormones take over. (Speaking of: Hormones, when are you leaving? Your welcome is officially worn out.)
The long and the short of it is: yesterday’s post was not about bullying nor was it about pointing any fingers. I’m not mad at anyone (though they are apparently mad at me, which I didn’t know until the comments came rolling in), my son is not mad at anyone. With me, what you see is what you get. I don’t play a lot of games and what is on the surface is generally is all there is to it. If I have a bone to pick with someone, generally they’ll know it. I don’t have to hide it. I don’t want to hide it. Yes, I’ve been having a rough time lately. And comments yesterday questioned why I wasn’t talking about why I’ve been the way I’ve been. Believe me, if I knew, I’d tell you. Try, please try, to see it from my point of view. I feel confused and depressed and achy. It’s actually a lot like how I felt after we lost Jackson. As though I have a very tenuous grip on myself. I have little motivation, I’m tired a lot, I’m distracted and stupid little things either make me cry or make me upset. I try to control this feeling as best I can but anyone who has been through these feelings knows that that’s not as easy as it sounds. What I need is time to pull myself together. I need understanding that it is okay to feel this way. I need patience when I’m not as forthcoming as you’d like. I need your support. To know that you’ll be there when I’m ready. I can understand wanting to help but I’ve very little experience with this. The last time I felt this way, I didn’t have very many people I was in contact with on a daily basis. There was no one wondering what was wrong with me. I dealt with it pretty much by myself and I got better. So this time when I have people who expect me to know what’s wrong and to tell them so they can fix it, that just doesn’t work so well. Because if I knew how to fix it, I’d fix it myself. The best way I know how is to blog about it. But even that seems to be causing problems.
Again, I’m not mad at anyone. I’m a little confused and a lot hurt and I’m definitely missing my friends.
This is me. I'm a thirtysomething stay at home mom to three kids. For years I was a stay at home mom to one kid and trying very hard to have more. It took a LONG time (ie: 6 1/2 years), but finally Liam arrived and charmed us with his blue eyes and ginormous, round head. Then we got a shock: I was pregnant again and this time it was a GIRL. Our hearts and home are full at last and now that we're done having babies, we get to relax (snort) and watch them grow (not too fast now, you hear?). Thanks for coming by, feel free to dip into my archives, read my About and History pages (just don't do Jackson's Story without tissues!) and make yourself at home.
