The way I see it, this pregnancy is a miracle. I’ve always joked that if we were to happen to get pregnant without taking Clomid, that we would take it as a gift from God, that it was meant to be. All this considered, right now I should be on cloud nine. Cloud nineteen in fact. This is like a dream come true to us, after all.
So why am I having a hard time finding the happy? Wait, let me rephrase that. I know where the happy is. But it’s almost as if I’m unable to fully embrace it. I’m still on an emotional roller coaster, riding the lows more than the highs it would appear. And when I’m not engulfed in waves of sad, then I’m swept away in a sea of stress. And none of these things have anything to do with actually being pregnant. I would love to be able to put everything else aside and just enjoy being pregnant right now. But everytime I feel as if I’m starting to do that, something else comes up and the moment is lost. And instead of thinking up baby names and daydreaming about wee baby outfits, my thoughts have been otherwise occupied by stress, drama and sadness.
So today I’m making a pledge. I’m going to focus on myself and try to steer my thoughts away from this drama and stress that is following me around and turning up like a bad penny. I want to have at least one boy name to consider by the end of the day. And I want to have shopped online for at least one wee baby outfit. Is that too much to ask?
Edited to add: I think some of this could be due to the unexpected nature, but also because pregnancy is full of pitfalls for me anymore. The last time I was pregnant, the first three months were a literal NAILBITER. I’m full of worry about whether or not the baby is going to be okay. Doesn’t help that I’m having a hard time making an appointment with my OB because of difficulties transferring my records from her old office to her new one. I think I’ll feel a little better and definitely more relaxed when I’m finally able to get in and talk to the doctor.
{ 4 comments }
Loralee 08.23.07 at 9:51 am
I know that these emotions that you write about were much more exacerbated with my first two babies because I was taken by surprise. When we tried with our third and planned it, it was much better as far as that went.
I really think that some of this is probably due it being unexpected. You need time for it to sink in and also, for the first trimester to end so you feel a little better physically.
Andrea Payne 08.23.07 at 12:37 pm
I felt the same way with my first. She was quite unexpected. With my other 2 that we planned, I was a lot calmer. The emotions are normal. Allow yourself to accept that, and there is nothing wrong with you. Make sure you take time for you. Spend some quite time with Kyle. If this is God’s plan then everything will work out. We are all praying for you.
With everything else going on - my advice - you can either allow yourself a certain amount of time to worry about it or write it down on a sheet of paper, and throw the paper away(give it to God). The rest of the time - celebrate the life growing inside of you.
Now for the important stuff - what names have you thought about? What about Kaitlyn for a girl and Matthew for a boy?
Liz (55 comments.) 08.23.07 at 1:56 pm
I totally understand the anxiety and the mixed emotions. Especially when you’re past histories are so mixed–I’d be anxious, too. I think the surprise of this all will soon move into an enjoyment and easier time.
brit (94 comments.) 08.24.07 at 5:03 am
You’ll never got over being anxious…you should know that by now. Embrace the terror that is motherhood from the moment of conception…we’re all right there with you!!
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