I’m in my thirties, it’s time I acted like it

Posted on Sunday, November 4th, 2007, 11:48 AM

For as long as I can remember, I would see women in magazines and on TV talking about how once they entered their thirties that they really came into their own.  They had a better sense of themselves and more confidence in daily situations.  I’ve always had a pretty good sense of myself but I’ve definitely lacked the confidence.  It’s hard to overcome my need to please people and I often do that in spite of myself.  It’s okay if I’m unhappy, as long as others around me aren’t. This does lend itself to being treated like a wallflower on occasion and where it didn’t used to bother me so much, it definitely bothers me now.

I feel more of a need to stick up for myself now.  I’m going to be 32 in a little over a month and it’s long past time I started putting myself out there as a confident and contented person.  Someone told me this last week that people will treat me the way I let myself be treated.  If I allow people to walk all over me, to trample my feelings, then they will.  You almost can’t blame them for it, as they wouldn’t do it if I didn’t let them.  If I didn’t just sit back and allow my feelings to be hurt without putting up a fuss.

Still, it so goes against my nature.  I’ve never been the sort to put up much of a fuss.  And, plainly put, I’m not really good at it.  Sometimes, things get to out of control, that I will bottle it up until it comes exploding out.  Or, more commonly, in my effort keep people happy, then no one is happy and more feelings are hurt.  Just the situation I was looking to avoid in the first place.  And honestly, I don’t know what to do to prevent this.  I have no knowledge of how to handle situations of conflict with any sort of grace.  How to stick up for myself without making a bigger mess.

I guess now you can see why I try to avoid conflict altogether.

So does anyone have any coping mechanisms they’d like to share?  How can I be a stronger, more confident person without causing more trouble?  If someone has done something that I feel is a deliberate slap in the face, how can I stand up for myself with grace and dignity and, believe it or not, kindness?  Is that even possible?

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6 Comments

  1. Gravatar Posted by Loralee (125 comments.) 11.4.2007, 11:22 pm

    I have been pondering this very thing a lot lately, for the same reasons (Except that I am a whole year older than you.) I get my feelings hurt ALL the time. I suck at conflict.

  2. Gravatar Posted by Michelle 11.5.2007, 6:34 am

    Yeah. I’m not so good at it either. Not because I’m a people pleaser, but because in my house growing up, it didn’t matter if you told someone you were upset. So I didn’t. And I still don’t. So I have no advice for you, my friend. But at least we know we’re not the only ones in the boat.

  3. Gravatar Posted by ree (7 comments.) 11.5.2007, 11:10 am

    I wish I had advice to give, but even at 44, I get accused of wearing my heart on my sleeve on a regular basis. I feel like I’ve come a long, long way, but it doesn’t help when others (my mother, my husband) accuse me of taking things too personally. THEN I do take them personally. Geez, it’s a vicious circle isn’t it.

    I guess using my blog to vent some of it (hubby doesn’t read, mother doesn’t know) helps. As does taking my own “time out” and talking myself down. Spending some time (any time) alone during the day helps too.

  4. Gravatar Posted by Valerie (6 comments.) 11.5.2007, 12:31 pm

    I was going to comment yesterday, but decided I’d wait to see what others had to say first, seeing as I didn’t really have any advice to give you. :) But what I was going to say is that I think the whole thing about coming into your own when your 30 is a myth. I think it has everything to do with your life experiences and it’s an ongoing process.

    My husband died right before my 29th birthday, leaving me with two kids to support on my own. That’s one life-shaping experience. I made the choice to go to college when I was 32. That’s another life-shaper. I think all those experiences provide the foundation for how you let external things affect you. My late husband’s brother thought I was only looking for someone to support my kids (I was a single mom when I met my husband). I hate to admit that it had an affect on me. For a long time after he died, even, a part of me still believed that I wasn’t capable of making it on my own; that were it not for the social security benefits my kids received, we’d be out on the street. Well, those benefits ended when my kids turned 18 and they’re both at home, attempting to go to college and I bought a house. I’m not saying it’s perfect - money is tight a lot of the time, and I wish the kids were taking school a little more seriously - but the fact remains: I’m doing this on my own. It’s a powerful thought for someone like me.

    And it’s helped me reach a point where I don’t give a crap what certain people think. Note that I said “certain” and not all. Like Ree mentions, there are always a few that can still get to us. But a decade ago, I would have been very bothered by what a co-worker said behind my back. Now, I find it amusing. I find myself doing things that will make her talk about me, in fact. (Hey, I’m getting older - I never said I was growing up!) ;)

    There is one thing piece of advice I can give you that may not help you in dealing with how you react to situations, but might just help how you look at things overall. Be who you are and relish it. That’s what I think people mean when they say they’ve come into their own. They’ve realized, “This is who I am, flaws and all.” It doesn’t mean they don’t work on changing the flaws. I personally will be forever in search of a more organized life. I will still (frequently) freak out over how overwhelmed I am with everything, and kick myself for getting nothing accomplished. *shrug* But this is me. Being able to say that and being OK with it… THAT’S confidence.

    (I’d apologize for the long-winded comment, but hey - I’m long-winded sometimes. Hehe)

  5. Gravatar Posted by Liz (53 comments.) 11.6.2007, 11:19 am

    After I got married, when I was 27, I spent a lot of time apologizing to my friends and trying to prove to them that I was still Fun Lizzy, even though I had Responsibilities.
    This lasted a long time, much longer than it should have.
    When The Mistah and I decided to start a family, I again found myself trying to make apologies to my single friends about our changing life. And then, I just gave it up. There is no reason on earth why I should EVER have to apologize for my life. And I stopped making all the effort in several of my friendships. I just came to a point when I realized that I barely have time to see the people whom I really care for, I certainly don’t have the time to consistently go out of my way to spend time with people who just aren’t interested in my life.
    Still, this is true. Most recently, Henry’s Godfather has really proven himself uninterested and uninvolved. And as much as this hurts us–more so The Mistah as GodDaddy is Mistah’s long-time good friend, I just don’t have the time or the energy to make accommodations for someone who’s just plain not interested in us.
    I can’t say it’s easy or that it doesn’t hurt, but at the end of the day, my family comes first.

  6. Gravatar Posted by Lawfrog (18 comments.) 11.6.2007, 12:17 pm

    I’m 32 in February and one thing that has helped me to gain confidence and stand up for myself is therapy. It really does help give a new perspective on things. Also, take baby steps. Start with saying “no” to something you don’t really want to do. Don’t give an explanation or justify it, just say no. Build up from there.


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