It’s hard when you become a parent, particularly a stay at home parent, to have the kinds of friends you had when you were younger. I feel like I’ve talked about this so many times that you’re all probably bored to tears. Still, I’ve reached some peace with the whole topic, I think. I recognize that part of what makes it so hard when we become parents is that our schedules are so hard to synchronize. When you’re talking about two moms who have young kids at home, you have to find a time that they can both get away from their kids, if you want to do a “mom’s only” sort of outing. And then, everyone has to be in the best of health. No colds, fevers, flus, aches, pains, etc. That goes for the husbands too because surely we cannot expect them to watch the children when they themselves are ill, right? The sick thing also goes if you just want to get together for coffee and let the kids play because naturally if one child is sick then ALL the kids are sick. And, a lot more subtle is that there must be a desire from both mom’s to actually get together. Taking care of kids all the time makes one feel rather tired. Sometimes it is just easier to stay put alone than it is to go out on a limb and get together. And sometimes it’s easier to just keep the status quo. Yes, it’s lonely. But it’s predictable. I’ve done this a couple times myself, I’m rather ashamed to say. I’m trying to go out on a limb more, to put myself out there. It does seem like after you’ve spent so many years shut off from society (honestly, that’s what it feels like sometimes) that it’s even harder to put yourself out there. Doubly so if you’ve been burnt in the friends department.
I was reading a post on another blog that was completely about a different subject altogether but one line made me start thinking of what my idea mama friend checklist would look like. What qualities and capabilities would I want from a BFF? It’s certainly different now than it was in high school. So here is what I’ve come up with so far:
- Willing to make last minute plans. Say it was a Saturday afternoon and I have an urge to go out shopping for clothes. The boys would rather be shot than venture out to the mall so it looks like I have to go on my own. In this situation, I could call up a mama friend and ask if had anything going on and would she like to go shopping with me. In this ideal situation, she would say yes to this initiation more often than not.
- Looking back at that first “requirement”, I realize I need to add “I would feel confident enough to call her up at a moment’s notice like that.” Because we all know I’m awful with the phone. Better with text messaging but that’s not the same and we all know it. I never feel confident just calling people up out of the blue. Pretty much the only person I ever call is my mother. I don’t know what it would take for me to feel that comfortable but I imagine in the right friendship with the right intimacy level, it’s possible.
- Someone I can share all the details with. Now, I tend to sort of do this anyhow, even in situations where I probably shouldn’t. I have no idea why I do that. But it would be nice to know that I would never regret speaking my mind and spilling the intimate details. Sometimes I worry afterward if I should have spilled it all and how awesome would it be to know that the secret is safe with her?
- Someone who would make me a priority. This is a tough one. When you’re a mom, your priorities shift dramatically from what they were in high school. Your husband and kids become your first priorities, as they should be. Before you know it, you’re up to your eyeballs in priorities. Home, church, school, work (if you work), relatives… Gah! Friends definitely can get lost in the mix. And I do understand this is not a cut and dry issue. Still, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I’m a priority outside of my own family. How great would it be to have a friend say she’s going to make a point to spend some time with me, regardless of what else might be going on?
- Husbands who enjoy each other. Wouldn’t it be a tragedy to have all the other “checkpoints” marked off and this one fails? I’m sure we’ve all seen it happen. The moms get along famously and have high hopes for all the fun their families will have together. Then, the husbands meet and the general reactions is… meh. They don’t have anything in common, they have conflicting personalities, whatever. Finding a good match between husbands can be as difficult as finding a good mom to be friends with in the first place! I always feel a tingle of happiness when my husband gets along great with another husband, talking up a storm or playing video games together.
- Lastly, someone who genuinely cares about me and my family. I’ve been lucky. I’ve known a lot of people who care about me and my family. Some of them have been friends and some of them have been more acquaintances, but we’ve still been very blessed in that department. Sometimes though, I think it’s easy for this one to take a backseat. People get wrapped up in their own lives, their own families, their own issues and forget to wonder how the other side feels. It happens when we get busy, I think. The last thing we want to do is hurt each other’s feelings (I desperately want to believe that), but sometimes I think we lose sight of others. It’d be awesome to find a friend who would be kind, understanding and compassionate towards me and mine on a fairly consistent basis.
I’m sure there are more points and that I’ll think of them over the days and weeks to come. But these are the groundwork. I definitely realize how difficult it is for all these planets align, too. Trust me, I understand. I’ve seen firsthand how friendships suffer after we become parents. Still, I refuse to give up on my ideal dream. I believe I can have a great friendship with someone. It might not happen this year, or even next year. But some day (of course, hopefully sooner rather than later).
What about you? Do you have an “ideal friend checklist”?
Posted by Michelle 
This is me. I'm a thirtysomething stay at home mom to three kids. For years I was a stay at home mom to one kid and trying very hard to have more. It took a LONG time (ie: 6 1/2 years), but finally Liam arrived and charmed us with his blue eyes and ginormous, round head. Then we got a shock: I was pregnant again and this time it was a GIRL. Our hearts and home are full at last and now that we're done having babies, we get to relax (snort) and watch them grow (not too fast now, you hear?). Thanks for coming by, feel free to dip into my archives, read my About and History pages (just don't do Jackson's Story without tissues!) and make yourself at home.
