It’s all about the dates

by Marilyn on March 3, 2008

I didn’t plan this pregnancy.  That sounds weird to me, even to type.  For someone who struggled and plan and popped pills and obsessed and wrung her hands for months on end in order to get pregnant, an unplanned pregnancy almost seems like some sort of cosmic joke.  Or miracle, depending on your point of view.  The point is: if I had planned it, I don’t know if I would have wanted to get pregnant when I did.

I cringe, even now, reading what I just wrote.  I did reach a point, in our journey towards a baby, where I didn’t care when and how it happened, just as long as it happened.  But after Liam came into our lives, the urgency was off.  We knew we wanted a third, three was our magic number, but the timing was still very much up in the air.  Perhaps we’d look into trying again come the fall of 2007.  But no pressure this time.  We were looking forward to having the pressure off.  But it turns out I needn’t have worried because it happened all on it’s own.  Crazy, huh?  INSANE.  Unreal.

Then I did the math.  I saw the doctor and got a due date.  The math held.  This baby would be due in early April of 2008.  Jackson was due April 4, 2004.  This baby would be due April 8.  Four days difference didn’t feel like much difference at all.  At least, it wasn’t enough difference. Too much the same.  Too much to compare to.  Too many memories.  I mean, it was a given that I would worry.  Pregnancy equals worry to me these days and it has nothing to do with similar dates.  But would the worry be more?

Then there’s the whole matter of c-section dates.  Back when I pregnant with Jackson, I had no “history”.  Scheduled c-sections were routinely planned to take place at 39 weeks.  Jackson’s c-section was scheduled for March 29th.  But back with Liam, I had a “history” so my c-section was scheduled for earlier.  I was assured this time around that my c-section would be take place around 38 weeks.  Hmm.  That puts us around some rather precarious dates.  March 23rd: The date Jackson was born still to us.  March 31st: The date Jackson was buried.  I had to tell myself that it would be okay, as long as this baby wasn’t born on either of those two dates.  But then… 38 weeks falls on March 25th for me.  Which would mean being pregnant over That Date.  In those nerve-wracking last days of pregnancy, did I feel up to that stress?  Not particularly.

That’s when the perinatologist stepped up and suggested a c-section date between 37 and 38 weeks.  I had March 21st stuck in my head for some reason, but the date ended up being March 20th.  That’s fine.  The earlier, the better as far as my sanity is concerned.  There is still some precarious timing there.  My last appointment with Jackson was March 18.  Everything was fine then.  I’m not sure what day I last felt movement.  I was having so many Braxton Hicks and I was busy… I just honestly have no idea. March 20th was a Saturday that year, we made a point to have fun together as a family that day.  I started having actual contractions Monday afternoon, the 22nd.  When he was born, the doctors suspected he had passed two or three days prior.  A little subtraction and March 20th is looking like a pretty likely candidate.

But you know what?  I can’t worry about that anymore.  I just can’t.  For one thing, March 20th in 2004 saw me being 37 weeks, 6 days along.  This year I will be 37 weeks, 2 days.  That’s a difference.  And so what?  It’s about redemption, right?  It doesn’t get much more redeeming to welcome a new soul into the world on the exact day another departed, right?

It’s been hard.  But we’re almost there.  Just hold on a little while longer, wee one.

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Can’t freakin’ believe it

by Marilyn on March 3, 2008

So last night was Liam’s first night in Harry’s room.  Or, what will now be known as “The Boys’ Room”.  (GAH!)  We got home from running our usual plethora of errands yesterday and Kile went immediately to work, setting up the borrowed crib in Harry’s the boys’ room.  I watched, because I’m helpful that way.  I went to great pains to set up this crib (which luckily is exactly the same crib as the one he’s been sleeping in) with his same bedding and stuffed animals and the like.  I even put a crib soother in there to entertain him/act as a bribe.  I moved his monitor and set up a night light.  Then?  It was out of my hands.

I did take that opportunity to put the dust ruffle on the crib in Evie’s room (formerly known as “Liam’s Room”).  It is now without a mattress in there so I couldn’t set up the rest of the crib, sadly enough.  I’m hoping to get the window valance up this week sometime, as well as her name letters which are painted and ready.  I still want to paint the walls, put up the wallpaper border we have.  But one thing at a time.   I have a hard time believing that’s not Liam’s room anymore.  It feels so empty.  And at the same time, I’m delighted because I can now work in there when Liam is sleeping.

At 7:30 last night, we had our moment of truth.  I went upstairs with Kile and Liam and made goofy faces at Liam while Kile brushed his teeth.  I listened avidly and pointed to the pictures as Kile read him “Runaway Bunny”.  Liam could hardly focus on the story, he was so busy craning his neck and checking out this crazy looking new room he was in.  Harry’s The boys’ room is quite a change.   His old room was pale yellow and very soothing.  This room has blue walls and a darker blue ceiling, with glow in the dark stars stuck up there.  There’s a brightly painted rocket ship on one wall and lots of Buzz Lightyear themed stickers up on the walls.  There’s the Star Wars and Monster Jam posters too.  Not to mention Harry’s loft-style bed and computer set up on his desk.  (I won’t even go into the smell, but rest assured I’m working on a good solution for that.)

We set Liam down in the crib and showed him Piglet (his favorite) and his bottle of water (the only bottle he gets anymore and he rarely drinks from it, but likes to know it’s there).  We showed him the crib soother, which he immediately started to play with.  Then we turned out the lights and said goodnight.  The crying started and I could hear the note of fear in his voice.  We reassured him that it was okay as we backed out off the room.  His cries followed us down the stairs and greeted us via the monitor as we re-entered the living room.  We told each other that he had to just get used to it eventually.  Then I qualified that, saying that if he was still crying like that in a minute, I would go up and reassure him again.

Turns out? I didn’t need to do that.  He stopped crying and we could hear the sounds of the soother over the monitor.  A few snuffling noises and then… nothing.  Well, he was pretty tired.   He’d gotten a barely 30 minute catnap in the car that afternoon.  When Harry went up to bed about an hour later, Kile went up too to make sure Liam was well asleep and that Harry didn’t wake him.  No worries, Liam was out cold.

By the time we went to sleep, I was worrying a bit.  I wished I had peeked in on him too, just for my peace of mind.  But I didn’t want to go in there and wake him up and create a whole new set of problems.  Still…

Next thing I knew, it was 6:30 this morning.  The house was quiet.  Not a noise came from the monitor in our room.  I started to stress some more, alternating with telling myself that I was worried for nothing.  Still, how unlikely was it that he would sleep so well in there his first night?? So I laid there for about a half hour more.  Kile got up and took his shower and I thought for sure we’d hear some stirring when the shower came on as it is located on the same wall as Liam’s crib.  But… nothing.  Shortly after 7, we snuck into the boys’ room and found Liam, turned completely around in his crib, but sound asleep.  Even Harry and Pup were still snoozing soundly.  We left the room, grinning.  SERIOUSLY?  He slept that good??

Harry’s alarm clock went off at 7:30 and the first thing we heard on the monitor was some happy babbles from Liam as he undoubtedly saw his big brother up and about.  I wondered if he had known Harry was in there all night long.  Kile ran up to fetch him and returned downstairs with a happy faced baby in his arms.  My heart just about burst with pride and love.  He did it.  He made it through the first night.

There’s no guarantee right now that every night will be that easy, at least until he’s fully used to sleeping in there.  And I’m even less confident about naptime.  I expect there to be some adjustment time.  If there isn’t?  I may just pass out from shock.  At the very least, having him moved into the boys’ room at last is a huge weight off my shoulders.  Next to tackle: cleaning out the inside of the minivan!  The excitement never ends around here, I tell you.

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