Nights are a fog these days. Moments strung together, blurred together, in an unending stream until the light from behind the blinds starts to lighten. She wants to eat, but she can’t seem to get a latch. We’re laying down, that’s the problem. It would seem then, that there’s an easy solution. But I don’t want to sit up. I want to sleep.
I swear, I’m getting less sleep every night. This morning, as Kile took his shower, it seemed that Evie had finally drifted off. But as he was getting dried off and dressed, she stirred again. And, God help me, I couldn’t seem to bring myself to care. She cried and I just closed my eyes, indulging in the respite.
Her cry doesn’t seem to affect me like Liam’s did and does. His was somehow more sympathetic. Does that even make sense? I couldn’t stand to hear Liam cry. He always sounded so pathetic and helpless. I don’t have that same feeling about Evie’s cries. In fact, after a long night of struggling, her cries barely even penetrate my consciousness.
I should feel guilty, I think. But I don’t.
I do love her. Of course I do. But I’m also so tired. And I’m desensitized. The days are long and not always easy. Liam had a rough day yesterday and it would appear he’s geared up for another rough day today. He wants what I can’t give him right now, cuddles on my lap and time and patience. I’m definitely low on patience. Yesterday, he was as bad as he’s ever been, and had a few temper fits. He even threw things at Harry, unprovoked. That earned him some time in the pack n’ play. Kile didn’t know what to do with him. I had my hands full with a baby that doesn’t ever seem to want to stop nursing.
And now, Kile is at work. Harry is at school. Evie is finally sleeping, but for how long? Liam needs some breakfast and to be let out of the pack n’ play. The day stretches before me. And I think, I haven’t had near enough coffee for this.
{ 7 comments }
Jaclyn (3 comments.) 04.17.08 at 10:01 am
Your honesty is refreshing.
I cannot imagine, so I have no words other than I’m hoping for some sleep for you.
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Michelle 04.17.08 at 10:40 am
Oh Marilyn… I’m sorry I’m not there to do something, even if it’s just to bring you a fabulous starbucks coffee and some sort of goody to go with it. I’m telling you, the military HAS to do group moves!!!
Randi (41 comments.) 04.17.08 at 10:47 am
Oh Marilyn!! I know how you feel. This is why I’m a HUGE fan of bottle feeding. If mom isn’t happy and able to sleep a little bit, everyone suffers. I hope you get more sleep today!
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Sarah Lena (19 comments.) 04.17.08 at 11:28 am
**Hugs**
There are no words to make it better, I know, but know that I totally sympathize. When Tony was that young, breastfeeding was KILLING me and I never got any sleep. I wondered how I would EVER come to love him.
Things got easier (cause we switched to formula) and he’s my world now.
Hang in there, hon. Like there’s any other option.
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J 04.17.08 at 3:37 pm
dude. pump. when I was in oh-my-gawd-i-don’t-feel-human-i-haven’t-slept-in-weeks hell, I’d pump what little bits I could (I’d pump one side while Spence ate on the other side) and then twice a week on her days off S would take the baby in the morning from 7am until I got up. even those three to four hours twice a week were HEAVEN. I think you’ve mentioned evie doesn’t like bottles, but maybe try different nipples? (spence likes the nuk ones). plus he’ll really only take a bottle if I’m not there. so evie might surprise you if kile takes her downstairs and you’re not anywhere nearby. worth a try. because you need sleep. spence ate literally every 1-2 hours around the clock for the first two months. and he’d hardly ever let us put him down. it was SO. HARD. But you’ll get through it. I promise. {{{hugs}}}
Jezer (15 comments.) 04.17.08 at 4:03 pm
It will get better. It really will.
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Pocklock (42 comments.) 04.20.08 at 6:30 pm
You look so pretty in that picture. So calm and peaceful. Not tired at all!
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