Evie is creeping up on 10 weeks old. Can you even believe it? It doesn’t seem like it’s been ten whole weeks since she was born. And I’ve been nursing her, like a champ, those whole ten weeks. It’s about now that women start to know if nursing is going to work out for them or not. Obviously, for me, it’s working out. I’m one of the lucky ones. Some gals aren’t so lucky. It’s not for lack of trying. Plenty of awesome women try really hard to nurse their babies and it just doesn’t work out for whatever reason.
But why, oh why, is there still this stigma on breastfeeding?? Why does it have to be so hard to be a mama who exclusively nurses her baby? Society has virtually zero provision for this. WHY? Why should I have to nurse in a bathroom or my car in order to not feel like I’m a filthy exhibitionist?
I know part of that is my own problem. I feel like I’m judged if I nurse in public. It could be actual, it could be perceived. I worry that people will give me stinkeye (or worse) if I even think of feeding out in plain view. However, I did have an incident several weeks ago where someone got skeeved out when I nursed Evie. Of course, I wasn’t thinking and didn’t use a blanket to cover her and I, but I did make certain that “nothing showed”. I didn’t know why I didn’t cover up. In most every other circumstance, minus being at home with just my family, I would have. I just didn’t even think about it. I was flustered, and while I was surrounded by friends, it was a new environment. My brain just wasn’t where it should be. Though, to my credit, I did consider going out to the van to feed her. However, it was a 90 degree day and I knew that even if I started the van up and ran the a/c, it would be sunny and hot in there. Plus, I’d miss out on getting to chat with my friends which is what I wanted to do. I was told later that this person was uncomfortable and I immediately felt awful about it.
Embarassed, to be sure. I’m probably the polar opposite of an exhibitionist. Growing up, it was my older sister’s job to give me baths and I used to make her close her eyes while I got undressed and got in the bath. Not that there were bubbles to hide anything. I was just a modest child. I’m a modest adult too. And to think someone felt embarrassed about something I did… well, it made me feel sick to my stomach.
Why do people still feel this way about breastfeeding? I guess that’s an age-old question. There’s no good, easy answer either. It’s society, media, up-bringing, personal hangups… you name it.
Why do I feel bad about the way I feed my child?
{ 11 comments }
Victoria (2 comments.) 05.28.08 at 4:30 pm
I’ve got a cartoon on my desk which has two woman with kids shown - one is yelling abuse at her children & swearing, the other is a woman quietly breastfeeding - the caption is ‘guess which public display of parenting gets criticised?’.
It can be tough when you get made to feel you are somehow doing something wrong, but you aren’t! If anyone says anything, just remind them that you are doing something completely natural & normal, and that if they have a problem, they need to get over it. There are some websites that may have advice that can help you with the attitude thing, kellymom in the US is said to be good.
And one last thing - it doesn’t actually matter how you feed your baby, someone will criticise you for it. If you had a bottle out, pro-breastfeeders would be abusing you for that. Once you start to accept that no matter what you do, someone will be unhappy, I think you can move on & just do what you think is best for you & your child.
Victorias last blog post..My boss is brilliant!
liz (56 comments.) 05.28.08 at 5:02 pm
while i totally understand your natural inclination not to make other people uncomfortable…it’s THEIR issue, not yours.
and, not for nothing, for someone to go out of their way and TELL YOU that someone else was uncomfortable? meh.
when i was nursing, i was a Tits Out kind of girl. if it freaked people out, well, i wasn’t really worried about them. i had such a hard time nursing, i was far more concerned that my kid was getting what he needed. i remember my mother-in-law being all “do you need a blanket?” when i nursed my boy on our front steps. i said no thanks…they were the steps to my HOME and, seriously, they’re just boobs. BOOBS DOING THEIR JOB!
and victoria’s totally right: no matter how you feed your child, there will always be someone to criticize you.
i feel bad that you were made to feel badly, cover-up or not. the crazy feminist/human being in me says that if someone is skeeved out by me feeding my child, that’s totally their issue, not mine.
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andi (2 comments.) 05.28.08 at 5:24 pm
I covered myself up with a blanket on the rare occasion I left the house with my first. I was ashamed to be seen nursing in public. With my second, I nursed everywhere and didn’t cover up - often people saw more of a boob show if I covered up because the baby was so intent on pulling the blanket off its face.
There was one time when I chose to cover up because a guy I knew would have an issue with it was in the room. He still made a nasty comment about how this was his cue to leave, even though all you could see was the blanket - he said “well, I still know what’s going on under there!”
Seriously, I wish people would grow up. Nurse proudly in public - other people have to sort their twisted selves out.
andis last blog post..The illusion of choice
cagey (100 comments.) 05.28.08 at 6:52 pm
I think it was fairly unthoughtful of the very person who TOLD you the other person was uncomfortable. What was their intent? Because surely, they would have known the comment would make you feel bad.
Even nursing my 2nd one, it is still hard to be brave sometimes. My friend Susan and I BOTH got the stinkeye today nursing our kiddos UNDER BLANKETS. Bah. F&*k ‘em. I refuse to eat my lunch in a bathroom and I refuse to have my kid eat hers there as well!
cageys last blog post..Baldknobber sounds sorta dirty, does it not?
Rhi (7 comments.) 05.28.08 at 7:11 pm
I wish you lived here in Portland. If I’m out and about, I’d guess that I see it everyday. And, maybe I don’t remember because it’s not a big deal to me, and I don’t think it’s a big deal to people here. We’re liberal like that
Rhis last blog post..In which I do something I said I’d never do
Violet (2 comments.) 05.29.08 at 4:33 am
I guess I’m the odd one out, and maybe it’s because I was not able to breast feed because of the medication I take, but I’m slightly uncomfortable with public breastfeeding. Not because of the exposure, but because it seems like such an intensely private, personal and special thing between the mother and baby, that I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to share it somehow, if that makes any sense. I’m not disgusted by it, I just feel like I’m somehow invading a private moment.
But I agree, there is no good solution. I’ve gotten dirty looks for bottle-feeding, so you can never please everyone. You just need to do what is best for you, and for Evie.
Violets last blog post..Mindboggling Corporate Illogic
michelle 05.29.08 at 6:14 am
I WISH I had been able to breastfeed! But between Elizabeth’s weight issues & my stupid “is it time to do our jobs?” boobs, it didn’t work out. I would like to think I would have been brave enough to feed her in public and screw everybody who didn’t like it. But, I’m a chicken, so I don’t know if I would have been able to do that.
So, to echo the other smart women who have commented on this post already: TOO BAD SO SAD if it makes someone else uncomfortable. Evie needs to eat. And who the heck felt it necessary to tell you that it made someone else feel weird?? That’s more junior high than grown up.
And yes, you would have gotten crap from someone if you pulled out a bottle and formula. Trust me, I know.
Shawna (51 comments.) 05.29.08 at 8:14 am
Really? You “felt awful about it”? You are clearly a more empathetic person than I because my reaction would have been “tough noogies for them” or something less polite. And why is it to your “credit” that you considered going out to the van? You shouldn’t have to do such a thing.
Society won’t get more accepting of seeing breastfeeding in public unless people actually do it. I think it’s utterly ridiculous that a) the medical establishment in the U.S. supposedly advocates breastfeeding, yet there’s almost zero public or corporate support for mothers to do so, and b) there is any sort of stigma attached to breastfeeding in public, yet there’s an almost equal stigma to bottle feeding in general (even if the bottle contains expressed breastmilk, something people don’t often stop to consider before commenting). In other words, “breastfeed or you’re a bad mother, but for heaven’s sake don’t do it in front of anyone!” Bah! Poppycock!
I breastfed my daughter in public and I intend to do it with this next one too. The concession I make towards “discretion” has more to do with the fact that my let-down is so strong that I basically firehose from both boobs, which often caused Grommet to unlatch and get out of the way or risk choking. Since this basically left me hanging out there, spraying milk, I did use a receiving blanket to try to cover up the whole shebang (and an extra washcloth stuffed in the other side of my bra for absorbancy). But if I had a “normal” letdown that allowed a constant shielding-of-nipple by a baby head, you can bet I’d be a lot less careful. Here’s hoping for that with this next one.
Randi (41 comments.) 05.29.08 at 10:52 am
I’m also one of those people who feels uncomfortable watching a mother breastfeed in public. Why, exactly? Hmm – not sure – but it is definitely something for me to examine. I guess part of me just thinks that its not necessary – I mean, if you’re walking around Wal-Mart or Target (whatever floats your boat), why not SIT DOWN when you’re breastfeeding? I’ve seen so many mother walk around feeding their babies. I mean, come on! I sat down when I fed my children from a bottle!
The other girls are right – there is no good solution. I got the stink-eye for bottle feeding my children. I don’t think, however, that its something that breastfeeding moms should be looking for corporate or national support for, partially because the scientific community changes their mind every few years (so in a few years they’ll be saying bottle is safer), and partially because you can’t expect to have the government or corporations making everything easy for everyone. There are no provisions for bottle feeders, so why should there be provisions for breastfeeders?
Sorry to rant here, but I’ve seen far too many women guilted into breastfeeding when they were uncomfortable with it. Still love you though Marilyn!!!
dee (13 comments.) 05.29.08 at 11:28 am
When I had my first baby I wasn’t very comfortable breastfeeding in public. If at all possible I planned for any outings with the baby and pumped a bottle. I nursed in public the few times that I had to, but was always covered with a lightweight blanket(as much as he would let me be anyway).
This time around I decided one of my “must-haves” for the baby was a nursing cover up. That and my sling are the best purchases I made for my Evie. She’s had a couple of bottles when we’ve gone out for dinner (because I planned on having a couple drinks) but other than that I have happily nursed her no matter where we are (albeit with a cover up).
The only person I have ever made noticeably uncomfortable is my brother, and well, he just doesn’t want to see his sister’s boobs.
dees last blog post..7 Random Things About Me
Kiwi (2 comments.) 05.30.08 at 10:46 am
Sorry you felt bad, because you shouldn’t. You know you’re giving the best to Evie. You know you have every right to feed her when she is hungry. And you know that if someone is unconfortable, they should just look the other way.
I am a breastfeeding support mom and I have seen many mothers struggling with breastfeeding. It is hard and demanding, especially, the first few weeks. We really don’t need to stress about what other people think, on top of everything else. Put a blanket if you feel like it, but do not feel bad ever for giving Evie what is best for her. It is hers and your right to do so.
Your post made me think of a cute ad I just saw:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=E_2v6a6ybaI
And here’s this too:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=rrnxtiYmXig
Oh and by the way, congratulations! I stopped reading blogs a while ago and didn’nt know about you having a doughter (almost at the same time I had my baby too). I’m really happy for you!
Kiwis last blog post..Contrôler ce que je peux
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