Speak them aloud | slackermama . com

So I got to do something that all stay at home mom’s of little children DREAM of doing the other night. I got to leave the house and meet friends for dinner and a movie. WITHOUT KIDS. It was a miracle. It was hard, to pull away and know that my little 2 month old suck-fiend is in there along with my nearly two year old and my 8 year old and MY POOR HUSBAND. Still, push came to shove and I put it out of my mind as best I could and I had a GREAT time. I’m so glad that I went.

We had burritos at a taco place near the theater and went to see (dun dun dun!) “Sex and the City”. I was never big into the series, as we never had HBO, but familiar enough with the stories and characters to care. And it really was a pretty good movie. A LOT of boobies to be seen (along with *cough* some other parts too), but also some good romantic payoff too. I walked away feeling GOOD.

But at one part of the movie, Carrie was feeling a mite blue, and when talking to her friends, mentioned that the tragedy that befell her wasn’t entirely surprising. She had some warning signs. But she didn’t want to “speak them aloud“. And in that moment, I totally knew what she was talking about.

Four years ago, right before we lost Jackson, I had some warning signs. It was a busy weekend at our place, but on Sunday night, I lay in bed wondering when I’d last felt movement. I couldn’t quite remember. But I didn’t want to think about the worst possible scenario. I didn’t want to vocalize my fears. Saying them aloud would make them more real and I wanted anything but for them to be real. So I didn’t say anything to Kile about the lack of movement. I didn’t mention it to a soul. I put it out of my mind and it was alarmingly easy to do so.

There’s a little shame in admitting that.

Even though I know that by the time I noticed there was no movement that it was probably already too late. Still. There is guilt.

This is why, when I went into labor, I had the voice in my head saying, “I sure hope that baby is still alive in there. Maybe he’s not.” I even “joked” to Kile about it. Breezily enough that he didn’t even pick up on the fearful undertones. That is why he was blindsided by the news that Jackson was gone… and I was not. I mean, I was, but I wasn’t.

What would have changed had I spoken my fears out loud? Anything? I doubt it. I’ll never know though. Will I?

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