I have another post in the works about a bunch of stuff I really loved about the conference.  Which, really, is a lot of stuff.  But I’m having a hard time focusing on it and I think it’s because I have something else I need to talk about first before I can get into all the “SQUEE” stuff.  I think if I don’t talk about my suck-ass self, then nothing else is going to come out as genuine, you know?

I don’t think I took a lot of my own advice about this particular BlogHer conference.  I think I let my introversion and insecurity get the better of me.  Of course, I did do a lot better than I did two years ago.  I actually approached people that I knew.  Like Loralee and Crunchy Carpets and Carly and Rhi.  I said hi and gushed all over Y from Joy, Unexpected.  BUT, I rode in an elevator with Her Bad Mother and Sweetney and I didn’t even say hi.  I exchanged some pleasantries with Julie from mothergoodmouse and I didn’t even introduce myself.

I guess I figured they didn’t want to know who I was.  I think I figured I didn’t fall on their radar and if I said anything, they would figure I was some annoying cling-on loser or something.  Which, you know, who are we kidding?  I pretty much am.  As is evidenced by my slobbering all over Carly and Rhi and Loralee whenever I got a chance.  But really, WHAT WAS STOPPING ME?  Nothing.  Not a damn thing.

Okay, *I* was stopping me.

There was no drama, no high school revisited.  I didn’t attend enough of the conference (*snort*) to witness or hear of any bad ju ju going down.  Any problem I had introducing myself to anyone was my problem and mine alone.  Because I’m a giant, flaming nerd.

I also need to discuss Friday night.  Because Friday night I was pretty much a big wet, hot mess.  The day hadn’t gone as I had planned.  No fault of BlogHer, but more of a fault of EVIE.  The poor dear wouldn’t relax out at the conference.  The noise, the energy of the women there just jangled her nerves.  Forget nursing her there, she would not focus on it.  Bouncing her worked for about 5 nanoseconds.  The best I could do with her was put her in the sling I was using and bounce up and down.  But If I stood still or sat down?  She would wake up right away and S-C-R-E-A-M.  Sorta like she did during the Community Keynote until I finally had to admit defeat and slink out of the room during the last round of bloggers.

I got up to the room and pretty much just dissolved.  We found out we had left Liam’s diapers in the van which had been valet parked and so we had no diapers for him.  STRESS.  Evie was having a hard time coming down off her stimulation high.  STRESS.  What were we going to do for dinner?  STRESS.  Kile ended up grabbing some Quizno’s sandwhiches and bringing them back to the room while I nursed Evie.  I ate, shot off a quick post, nursed Evie again and fell asleep.  At, like, 9pm.

*hangs head*

Of course, somewhere in there I also broke down into tears because Evie was rashy and upset and I was tired and I was missing all the fun and I skipped two session that day and FOR WHAT and what were we going to do when checkout happened at 12 the next day?  STRESS. Oh, and I wasn’t taking hardly ANY pictures because the camera was in the laptop bag and I quickly found out that I couldn’t carry the laptop bag AND Evie around so when I had her, I didn’t have the laptop or the camera and so I took NO pictures.  STRESS.

BLAH.  I mean, there were gals out there getting down on the dance floor and having a great old time and then there was ME, going to bed early.  Who wants to hear about me?  Am I right?  Of course, knowing that I was being such a downer was making it WORSE.

I walked down to breakfast the next morning feeling pretty bad.  Here were all these happy, shiny bloggers and there was me who was feeling so sorry for herself she could hardly stand it.  Oh the HUMANITY.  And that’s when I saw Brit and I think I about knocked her over and cried into her beautiful, hand-made bag.  (Seriously, the gal has mad skillz.)  I was so glad to see her.

Of course, then I learned like 10 minutes later that, “Oh hai! We haz to chex-out at 12 and move van out of valet at 2 or pay exhorbitant costs!”  So… yeah.  It became a question of whether or not we should try to find somewhere cheaper to store the car for a couple hours or just go back to San Jose in defeat.  Then there was the matter of what Kile would do all afternoon without a “home base” and Evie had been resistant to nursing anywhere else but the silence of our room and surely this would mean she would go thermonuclear.

Am I making this more complicated than it needed to be?

Probably.

Anyhow, I figured that it would probably make more sense to just go.  I probably couldn’t get much out of any sessions with Evie with me anyhow and I would be worried about Kile and the van… and none of our solution scenarios would account for me being able to go to the Macy’s party which is what I REALLY wanted in the first place.  So… back to San Jose it was.

Of course, this depressed the heck out of me.  I just didn’t see any other reasonable solution.  I was able to get to one last session, the one on Commercialization in the Momosphere.  I wanted to go because it’s a topic I’m interested in and I wanted to say hi to Kristen who was speaking and also co-runs the Parent Bloggers Network.  I got to attend the session, but didn’t get to say hi because it ran over a touch and Kile called me to let me know he was checking out and needed my room key.  FRICK.  So, whatever.

We met Cagey and Brit for lunch which was kinda nice (and I actually GOT lunch for a change) (long story) before we picked up Liam from childcare (OMG, they were so nice there) and then on to valet to retrieve our automobile.  SIGH.  We were leaving BlogHer, heads not quite hanging in shame, but not exactly held high either.  Driving out of San Fransisco, I felt pretty sad.  There were SO MANY WOMEN that I wanted to meet or connect with and just didn’t get a chance.  I didn’t even SEE them.  Of course, not really a surprise considering I only attended one other session other than the one I spoke at.

(OY.  My session.  I’ll talk more about that soon, I promise.  The short of it: went well but still agonize over the hemmorage of the audience.)

I went to no parties, very few sessions, I didn’t really get to visit every sponsor table like I normally would have liked to.  I didn’t have ONE SINGLE alcoholic drink the entire time.  THERE IS SOMETHING INHERENTLY WRONG WITH THAT.  I missed the damned Macy’s party which I was hoping to be able to stop into if for no other reason than to buy a copy of “Sleep is for the Weak” and get it signed by all the bloggers.  Ask Kile, that is probably the one thing I moaned about for the rest of the weekend more than anything else.  I wanted that book.  I wanted it signed.  I AM SAD.  (Does anyone know if there were/are/will be any signed copies for sale?  Wouldn’t replace actually getting one all signed myself, but I still want one.)

Do/Did I feel sorry for myself?  Yes.  Still do.  Do I blame anyone else for any of it?  Nope.  I couldn’t.  If I didn’t have the best time while at BlogHer, it was because of me and other circumstances that couldn’t really be avoided.  Yes, since then I’ve thought of many ways we could have handled partiuclar issues far better than we did.  But… too late for that!

I will go into more details and talk about fun stuff, embarassing stuff, stupid stuff, bad stuff, etc and so forth… but I had to get all this off my chest first.  Heck, this already took the better part of a day to post (started this at about 4pm).  But anyhow.  I don’t want any of you feel you need to post a comment or whatever so I turned the comments off.  I’m just putting this out there, getting it off my chest, so I can move on to the happier stuff.