“You know, last year after BlogHer, I felt this way too.”

“Which way is that?”

“Tired.  Emotional.  Don’t you remember my friends were asking if I was mad at them?”

“Yeah, that’s when that whole mess sorta started, isn’t it?”

“Well, of course, last year it ended up that I was pregnant.  And I always figured that is why I felt that way.  But now I’m wondering if it wasn’t just a typical BlogHer Recovery.  Because, obviously, there’s no way I am pregnant now.”

“It could be your thyroid, too.”

“…”

“Maybe?”

“Uhm… yeah.  You know, it probably IS my thyroid.  That would make a lot of sense, actually.”

***

To make a long, embarassing story at least a short, embarassing story, I haven’t taken my thyroid meds in four months.  Not since Evie was born.  See, about a month before Evie was born, my previous prescription had run out and I knew I was going to need some extras so my obstetritian wrote me a prescription for another month or two, enough to get me through until I could go see my family practitioner.  But then I lost that prescription.  And I didn’t want to go see my family practitioner because I still have guilt. It’s stupid, I know.  But you know how it is when you’re a mom (a new mom, especially).  It’s hard to make time for yourself.

Well, then our health insurance was going to change at the beginning of July.  I figured I would go see a new family practitioner then.  But then Kile had his little incident and plans changed.  Our budget had to be adjusted, and then adjusted again to account for our trip to San Francisco for BlogHer.  So I figured I would wait some more.  I’d already waited that long, why not another month?

***

I’m feeling it now.  I’m exhausted all the time.  I start yawning, often just an hour after I’ve woken up.  I never have any energy to speak of.  I’m sore all over, from my neck to my shoulders to my back to my legs.  My fingernails, of all things, have been changing and getting (there is no better word for it) sicker.  I see myself and besides just being shocked by the sudden shorter haircut (still not used to that), I am horrified by how I look.  My shape seems hulking.  I don’t like what I see.

My smile seems harder to find.  My temper has been short.  It has been a lot easier to find woe than it has been to find a silver lining.  It’s been subtle, but then again, maybe not THAT subtle.  Even now, my stomach hurts, my patience is insanely limited as everything my children is doing is driving me RIGHT UP THE FRIGGIN’ WALL.  That seemed to happen overnight but maybe it didn’t.  Maybe this has been going on, building up, a lot longer than I thought.

My attention is diverted, my inspiration is limited.  My motivation is low.  I feel, I guess, somewhat depressed.  Which is pretty typical of hypothyroid sufferers.

***

I know you’re not supposed to go off of meds.  But I never felt like meds made me feel THAT much better so I figured being off of them wouldn’t make me feel THAT much worse.  My biggest concern was weight gain, to be honest.  But going from 200mcg of levothyroxin to NONE, I guess, is enough to make even my laid-back system sit up and take notice.

I need to make an appointment.  I know I do.  But yet…  I will always be able to find an excuse not to.  Do I really want to explain to a new doctor what the deal is?  What if they think I’m full of crap and don’t believe I have a thyroid problem?  Is there going to be a huge rigamarole to get my old files from the other family practitioner?  Is it going to require me going down there because I don’t think I can do that.  Is that another excuse?

Tune in to see if I actually a) make an appointment and b) keep it.