I’ve tried to start this post a dozen different ways but everything I’ve tried sounds so stupid.  So just bear with me.

While hurridly taking a shower during those magic moments yesterday afternoon when both Liam and Evie were napping AND NO ONE WAS NEEDING TO NAP ON ME, I was mulling some things over in my head.  I do my best thinking in the shower.   Anyone else do that besides me?  Sometimes it seems the shower is the only place a person can hear themselves think around here.  Anyhow.  I was thinking about things, about stuff and I came ot a realization.   I’m in a Bermuda Triangle of sorts.  At least, I think I am.

You see, I may have mentioned once or twice that I have a little problem with my thyroid.  I know, you’re probably tired of hearing about it already.  In the last couple of weeks I’ve done some sniffing around and I’ve noticed that there are some connections between hypothyroidism and depression.  Either the thyroid causes you to feel depressed, or the depression is a symptom or an effect… Okay, now I’m just starting to confuse myself.

And then I started thinking of the influx of postpartum hormones that crash in when a baby is a couple months old.  That thought was probably prompted by the handfull of hair that I came away with after rinsing the shampoo out.  The hair starts falling out and the hormones inside are trying to even themselves out.  It’s no small task, I’m sure.  In fact, I’m sure it’s a pretty serious endeavor since it was during this postpartum period that my thyroid first decided it was going to take a dirt nap all those years ago after Harry was born.  So it would be no small wonder that hormones leveling out should cause me to feel a little on edge.  It makes sense, even.

And then there’s postpartum depression.  Is it related to the evening out of hormones post-pregnancy?  Or something else?  I have to admit that I know very little about PPD.  What causes it, why some women get it and others do not.  Why some women get it worse than others.  And why you can have multiple chidren and not have it with some but have it with others.  I have no clue.  But it’s there.  It exists.

So where do I fall amidst all this?  I have a feeling I fall right in the middle of it all.  Right in the middle of the “Bermuda Triangle” of hormones, depression and syndromes.  I don’t think I need to tell you that it’s not a happy place to be.  At least, I don’t think it is.  Because I’m not even 100% sure that it’s where I am.  How do you know?  I guess I never considered that a person who was feeling depressed wouldn’t know for sure if what they felt was depression or if, well, they needed to just buck up and take it.  When I would hear someone recount their experiences with depression, I would never second-guess it.  I guess I assumed if you were depressed you just KNEW.  Is that the case?  Or not?

I guess it can be hard to see what’s right in front of you when you’re in the Bermuda Triangle.

I’ve felt that I just need to buck up and take it.  That what I’m feeling isn’t that remarkable, that what I go through is nothing compared to some women, that I have no room to complain about anything.

I want it to be known, however, that I cherish my children.  The love I have for them sometimes keeps me awake at night, it is so enormous.  I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.  As hard as things might be right now, I know my life is so much better having them in it.  So don’t think for an instant that I don’t realize I have some pretty awesome kids.  Because I know I do.

I just need to find my way out of this Bermuda Triangle so I can really start feeling like myself.  Even though I worry that I’ve been in here so long that I don’t even know what “myself” is anymore.