I’m going to delve into some scary territory here, something I don’t usually discuss on this here blog: The toilet. More specifically, how men use the toilet. I know. I should have warned you, huh? If you were eating breakfast or lunch or dinner… I apologize. But this is a subject that causes me great amounts of wonder and disgust (ha, that was too easy!).
See, it wasn’t until I met and married Kile that I really noticed how guys like to go sit in the bathroom for ages on end. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? I just plainly don’t get it. Even on my stalling-est day, I can’t be in there more than 15 minutes without my legs going numb or just plain wanting to claw the walls (I guess it doesn’t help that we have a little claustrophobic closet for our toilet in our master bathroom). But Kile? Give him a magazine (doesn’t even have to be a NEW one) and he can spend a half hour, 45 minutes or MORE.
He once told me that it’s the only place he can go to be by himself. SERIOUSLY? Can I just take a few minutes to poke some monster-sized holes in this one? THANKS. I owe you one.
- First off, do I even have to mention that I get like zero time to myself? If I do manage to get in the bathroom without Liam on my heels, then I have him literally throwing himself at the door until I’m back out. And most times, I just quick use the bathroom while I’m in there changing Evie (our changing table is in the half bath).
- ANYHOW, if I were to take some blessed time for myself, it would NOT (I repeat, NOT) be in the bathroom. EEE GADS. I mean, we’re pretty awful housekeepers but even if our bathrooms were consistently sparkling, I still wouldn’t want to spend quality time in there. It’s a BATHROOM.
- I gotta wonder why needs needs so much alone time since he gets to go to work. Yes, I said “gets to”. Not that work is fun, I realize that. But shoot, even the drive into work is alone time. No one but himself to worry about. And at work, I’m sure there’s a time or two he can close his office door and try for a semblance of peace. I imagine he even gets to eat his lunch most times without someone hollering at him. MUST BE NICE.
- Lately, he’s also taken up running three times a week. He gets up at 5:30 or so on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and goes for a run. By himself. He doesn’t even take a dog or anything. Just him and his iPod. When he gets back, he often sits downstairs checking email on his laptop or watching tv or sipping water for a while before coming up to shower and get ready for work. If that isn’t time to himself then I obviously don’t understand the meaning of the phrase because all I can think is MUST BE NICE.
- (If you’re all wondering why I don’t get up early and go for runs or whatever it is because I’m generally EXHAUSTED by the end of the night. There is no such thing as uninterrupted sleep when there’s a baby in the house.)
Who me, bitter? NOPE, surely you’re talking about someone else.
The fact of the matter is that there is no such thing as time to myself anymore. Even my showers are hurried as more often than not I hear Evie start to fuss as soon as I get the shampoo on my head. During the day, there is MAYBE a one hour chunk of time that no one needs me. And let me tell you, that is the best hour of my day. Harry is still at school, Evie is napping, Liam is napping… I can actually watch what I want to watch on TV for a change (most often it’s a DVR’d episode of “Touched by an Angel”). It doesn’t happen every day (yesterday I fell asleep with Evie because I was seriously pooped), but when it does, I cherish it. I never know, from day to day, if Evie will sleep without my presence or Liam will get up early from his nap. And then there are the Fridays where Harry has a half day at school (like this week, I believe?) and there is no time alone.
Lest you think I’m too much of a complainer, I realize this is par for the course in the early childhood years. You sign up to have kids, you pretty much forfeit time for yourself. But that’s just it, isn’t it? Is it only the MOM who gives up her privacy (and sanity) and Dad doesn’t have to? How is that fair?
(And I can just hear my mom’s voice in my head, saying that because he works and is the primary and only wage earner in the house, that he DESERVES this time to himself because his job is HARD and supporting a family is HARD. I do get that. But I also get that staying at home with kids all day can quickly drain your sanity when there is no break and no outside influences.)
So yeah. This is why guys sitting on the toilet for more than about 10-15 minutes at a time really chaps my hide. I’d say I’m jealous but DUDE, it’s a BATHROOM. Eww! (I am jealous about the alone time though.)
{ 9 comments }
Shawna (51 comments.) 09.10.08 at 10:13 am
When I was a kid I spent tons of time in the bathroom for precisely this reason - to have some alone time. My sister and I shared a room and the bathroom had a lock on it so I could keep her out. Also we had a really nice bathroom. I have to confess that it set up a lifelong pattern of reading in there. Sorry, I’m with Kile on this one.
Shawna (51 comments.) 09.10.08 at 10:15 am
Oh and the other day I volunteered to go pick up the pizza for dinner so I could have a whole 20 kid free minutes to myself in the car… and then my husband asked our toddler if she wanted to go for a ride with Mumma in the car. OF COURSE she said yes. He apologized when he realized what he’d done, but by then it was too late. I could have strangled him.
Casey (15 comments.) 09.10.08 at 10:29 am
I use the bathroom as a quick escape sometimes too when I need it. If my husband is home and I need a break, I tell him I’m going in the bathroom and read a magazine. Or fire up the laptop in the bedroom for a few minutes, anything to have a minute of alone time.
I agree with you about work being an escape. I love the fact that I’m privileged enough to stay at home with my kids but MAN, this is not the leisurely picture I had in my head. I actually thought (before having kids), that this would be cake, we’d play and laugh and have the BEST time all day every day. Then came tantrums and dealing with a screamy toddler while trying to get a hungry baby fed. I tell my husband all the time how lucky he is to get to escape for a few hours a day and he agrees.
elizabeth (7 comments.) 09.10.08 at 11:34 am
I don’t understand the excessive time in the bathroom either. But my MIL just related to me recently that her other son’s wife asked her why she (MIL) was in the bathroom all the time while our husbands were little. Was it because she didn’t want to be around them or was she just constipated?
I would like time alone in my sewing room. Time spent in there with a child or two does not count.
elizabeths last blog post..Eva the savvy black apple doll
Britt (43 comments.) 09.10.08 at 11:38 am
This post is hilarious. Scotty and I just had a conversation on this very topic the other night. Scotty camps out on the toilet for no reason. No magazine. No bowel movement. He just sits there with his pants down. Every night while I’m brushing my teeth and washing my face, Scotty sits on the toilet. 90% of the time, I have to ask him to please get up so I can have a turn. The other night I asked him why he sits on the toilet for so long. He said it’s the only place he can relax. That makes no sense! We have a cozy recliner sofa in the basement that is far more relaxing than the potty. Whatever. Men are weird.
Karen (1 comments.) 09.10.08 at 12:48 pm
This reminds me of a friend in my oldest daughter’s playgroup at lest 8 years ago. Whenever her hubby would come home and complain about work she would ask one simple question ” Did you get to pee alone today? Yes? Then I win” that pretty much sums up my life lots of days. I think that’s why women do not see the bathroom as alone time, because we don’t get to use the bathroom alone after we have kids!
Sarah (3 comments.) 09.11.08 at 7:02 am
I’ve never understood the “guy in the bathroom forever” thing. I can certainly see needing alone time, but there are more interesting places to go to get some time to yourself!
Randi (18 comments.) 09.11.08 at 7:39 am
I am a girl. I spend time in the bathroom - it is sad. I leave my books in there and could be happy with a bookshelf in there! I don’t know why, but it is very calming for me to be in the bathroom. If I’m sick, I turn on the shower and hover around the sound of the rushing water, which makes me feel so much better. I know, I’m sad… LOL
michelle 09.17.08 at 8:08 am
AMEN, Marilyn. Paul disappears ALL the freaking time. He does disappear into the bathroom to “think” and I’m wondering what the hell do you have to think about that takes so long and are we ever going to discuss it because since it took FOREVER it must be important… but no. Lately, he goes out to “relocate the sprinklers”. Yeah. The housing people hydroseeded our grass and so it needs to be watered regularly. But the housing people didn’t install ground sprinklers. So, Paul has to move the sprinklers a couple of times to get the entire lawn watered. So, tell me, since when does it take half an hour to move a sprinkler 20 or so feet??
And my favorite? When he somehow sleeps through all of Elizabeth’s night time needs (thankfully it’s only things like she lost her binky and needs it so it only takes about a minute or so) and then gets all ticked off when I aske him to get up with her on Saturday or Sunday mornings so I can get a little extra sleep. GRRR
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