I’ve been thinking, the last couple of days, about the last five years. It has been a wild and crazy ride.

Five years ago was October of 2003. I was knee-deep in my pregnancy with Jackson. It had taken a lot of work to get pregnant and I was soaking up every moment of it. I had enjoyed being pregnant so much with Harrison and was very glad to have the chance to experience it again. In fact, I can remember quite a bit from that time. Harry was dressing up as a pirate for Halloween and we had found the cutest costume at Target. That actually started our love affair with Target Halloween costumes. My parents were in town over Halloween and I remember sitting and chatting with my mom while handing out candy. My dad and Kile had taken Harry out trick-or-treating and it was cold, cold, cold! It had snowed that morning, in fact. It was also around this time that I had found out that my older sister was expecting her second child and I was so excited to be pregnant at the same time as her. It seemed like everything was on it’s way up.

Four years ago, we were still getting used to living in our new house and I was nursing a very tender wound on my soul from losing Jackson. That fall was a rough one and I actually don’t remember a lot of it. I do remember that we weren’t at home for many holidays and that hurt more than I expected it would. It was our first year in our new house and we weren’t here for Halloween or Christmas. Looking back, I’m not sure if we were here for Thanksgiving or not. Like I said, there are a lot of holes from 2004. I do especially remember Halloween though. We were in Elko, taking a portrait of the grandkids on that side of the family for Kile’s parents for Christmas. All the kids dressed in white t-shirts and jeans. The picture turned out so cute, but that visit was a hard one. The election was within days of that trip and Elko is mighty red. We were startled and frustrated by the number of advertisements and robo calls from the Bush campaign. And there was no talking politics with any of his family as their political views were so different than ours. We felt like the odd ones out, to be sure. Harry dressed up as Spider-man (complete with quilted “muscles”) and it was another cold night. In fact, it snowed that evening and the sidewalks were slick. Kile drove around in the van with the side door open so Harry and his cousins could hop out and run up to the doors and then hurry back to the van to get warm. All in all, I look back on that time through gray-tinted glasses. It was not a happy time.

Three years ago was a different story. We were recovering from our miscarriage, but I didn’t feel near the level of depression that I had felt the year before. We had done a bunch of tests to rule out issues and I was on my first month of Clomid. In fact, unbeknownst to us, I would get pregnant the week following Halloween that year. We were in our house that year for Halloween and Harry dressed up as Darth Vader (complete with super-awesome voice-changing mask). I stayed home, as is often my duty, to pass out candy (and blog) while Kile set out with Harry and our neighbors to do a little trick or treating. He brought back a ton of candy which we ate for weeks and weeks afterward. I don’t remember a whole lot from this time, but mostly for good reasons this time. Because it was essentially a good time for us. Our lives were changing and for the better. At long last.

Two years ago, we had a baby in our house once more. Liam had us all charmed and wrapped around his tiny little finger. 2006 had been very good to us and I just plain felt GOOD. That year after Liam was born was pretty danged good, to be honest. I felt good and was taking care of myself and getting exercise and I had friends… what more could I ask for? Harry dressed up as “the boogeyman” from “Scream” that year and we had the cutest velour vampire bunting for Liam to wear. We all hit the streets that year, along with our neighbors, to get the goods. I remember we foolishly did the trick-or-treating before having dinner so that by the time we finished, we were starving. We headed to McDonald’s for a quick fix, Liam still wearing his super-cute costume (come to think of it, I’m not sure how I got him in the carseat in that getup, but I’m sure I figured it out).

One year ago, I was pregnant. I wasn’t expecting to be pregnant, but pregnant I was. Despite issues with hormones, I still felt like things were going great. Even though, unfortunately, my friendships had taken a large hit. It was one year ago that there was a mixup with a Halloween party that we were supposed to be invited to but no one remembered to tell us when it was and so we didn’t go and Harry was BITTERLY disappointed. And I felt awful about it. That incident tainted the holiday, as far as I was concerned. Luckily, Harry rebounded quickly as kids often do and went trick-or-treating dressed as Black Spider-man. Liam even got in on the gig in his plush skunk costume (he was SO FREAKING ADORABLE in that thing). Liam came back home after a trip around the cul-de-sac while Harry and Kile set out to conquer the rest of the neighborhood. We did very well and had more candy afterward than is probably healthy. But, like I said, I was pregnant and happy for the sugar.

And that brings us to today. Three kids. Two costumes (still don’t have one for Evie, nor do I think we will have one. She can probably get away with the skunk getup). Harry as a bloody-skull-faced grim reaper and Liam as a monkey. I imagine we’ll all cruise the cul-de-sac before I come back home with the little ones and hand out candy. Any big life changes on the horizon this year? I doubt it. It’s another election year this year, but the difference between now and 2004 is so stark that it’s almost laughable. Some people might feel differently, but the tone of this election is so much better than it was four years ago. Four years ago I felt so DESPERATE. This year, I feel more confident and less like I’m sitting on the razor’s edge. Which is actually kind of ironic considering the state our nation is in right now. Perhaps I (wrongly) feel insulated from it.

I can’t help but wonder what next year will bring. What costumes will we be seeing on our kids? Liam will be a lot more aware of the holiday. Evie will be old enough to at least cruise the cul-de-sac (and get her own costume, for pity’s sake!). We’ll have a different president. Will we be thinking of moving to a new house? Harry will be in the fourth grade and going on TEN YEARS OLD.

*shudder*

Yeah, I don’t want to play this game anymore.

Harry is back home, as I mentioned yesterday, and now my mother and sister in law have returned to Elko and it’s starting to look an awful lot like NORMAL around here.  I guess you could call it normal.  If normal is two boys charging around the living room, wrestling over control of a nerf football, the dogs scrambling to get out of their way, Liam whining when he’s getting the short end of the stick (which is often), “Jack’s Big Music Show” rocking away in the background and Evie cooing happily in her bouncer seat, where she had been sleeping a few minutes ago but WHO COULD SLEEP with the racket the boys are making?

At some point, I am going to have to put the cushions back on the couch.

Before I go, a couple of things to note:

1. I got my blood drawn!  I’m not sure when this will translate into a doctor appointment and a refill, but I’m thinking I should give the doctor’s office a call or something.
2. “Fringe” totally freaks me out but I cannot look away.
3. Liam has laughed more in the past couple days since Harry has been home than he’s laughed all month long.  I think he missed his brother.
4. I’m going to try to learn how to knit.  HELP ME.  What are the best “learn how to knit” websites out there?  I have a “starter kit” with needles and other accessories and a skein of yarn.   Now I just need to know what to do with them.

Okay, back to my kids and the wreck they’re making of my living room. (Literally.  I just had to say “Stop jumping on your brother!”)