I’ve talked about this topic before. At least once. So I’m worried about sounding repetitive. But I have to write about my daughter and the miracle that she is to me.
My relationship with her is obviously still evolving, but I’m happy to report that so far, I feel so close to her. She makes it imposisble NOT to feel close to her. Of course, she is still in the “all mama, all the time” phase what with the nursing and everything. Kile will pick her up and she will automatically crane her neck to locate me. She loves her papa, of course, but knowing I’m paying attention too helps quite a bit.
I’m constantly amazed at the difference in disposition between her and my boys. Harry always was a pretty mellow kid, but even more than him, Evie is willing to sit on my lap and just… be. Her attention to detail with her toys has been amazing us since she was barely old enough to smile. Her sensitivity to loud noises, loud voices and sudden movements is also something we’re not quite accustomed to. She really responds to a soft, cooing voice and soft, gentle touches. On more than one occasion, Kile has caused her to cry, simply by laughing loudly at the television.
But I don’t want you to think she’s not a happy child. Because, oh my stars, she is. She smiles is virtually anyone who smiles at her, flashing her adorable dimples and twinkling her still-changing eyes. She has a tinkling little laugh. I wouldn’t call it a “belly laugh”, she doesn’t just crack up like some babies do. But when she’s amused, the sound of her little giggle is enough to make you giggle too. I’m going to have to try to get some video of it so you can see what I mean.
There are times, often when I’m nursing her before a nap or snuggling with her in the afternoon, that I think about how she shouldn’t even be here. If our hearts hadn’t been shattered 4 1/2 years ago when Jackson was born still, we wouldn’t have Evie. Three children is our number. We didn’t arrive at this number just by accident. We’ve long known that we would stop at three. And had Jackson lived, Liam would have been our third child. My tubes would have been tied and Evie would never have existed.
Then there’s the whole miracle conception deal too. I never expected to get pregnant without Clomid. I had written myself off as being infertile. End of story. But, against the odds, we got Evie. I couldn’t explain to you how or why. I just know that this morning, she’s bouncing around in the exersaucer at my feet, babbling at the toys and examining how they work. She keeps flashing me a dazzling smile, trying to convince me to scoop her up and give her some cuddles.
You know what? I think I will.
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3 Responses to “By all rights, she shouldn’t even be here”
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Aww. They’re so cute like that, aren’t they?
Thankfully I can say I know what you mean. In part anyway. It’s not that I can relate to the “she shouldn’t be here” part. Luckily for me I got pregnant without even trying and I never had to go through the pain that you guys did. And I think, Marilyn, that you’re stronger than I am. Cuz if I had your experience, I think I would have just curled up in a ball and stayed there. But the part I can agree with, how awesome girls are: Elizabeth is amazing – she’s sort of growing out of the anti-loud noises — it depends entirely on what the noise is and where it’s coming from now. She doesn’t really have any fear of strangers, and never did. She smiles at everyone, and says HI. Granted, she says hi sometimes AFTER they have walked away. Her timing, it’s not so good. But I look at her and I get all warm and fuzzy. And you know what? I’m about to take her to Target and buy her something new to spoil her with, just cuz I can!
Beautiful. I love this post. I’m going to highlight it over at http://www.babybunching.com on Sunday.