Another day, another compilation of things that make me feel at peace.  Hard to come by on a day like today where the dark clouds have followed me since before the sun came up.

1. Cherry pie.  I may have already mentioned this in a previous list but I love it so much that it bears mentioning again. 
2. When both children are tucked into bed and I can sit down and breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy the knowledge that for now, I am my own person again. (Of course, by then I’m too tired to really take advantage of it.  Damnit.)
3. Evie’s three-toothed grins.  (Well, actually more like 2 1/2)
4. I’d love to mention cherry pie again but I’m going to go with flannel sheets.  I have nothing but love for flannel sheets. 
5. Television shows like Fringe.  Because even though it makes my head hurt with all the twists and turns and bends and freak-outs, it truly is interesting and fun to watch.  I don’t feel like I get to say that too much about television shows these days. 

I am not domestically inclined.  I hate doing housework, I’m not a very inventive cook and I couldn’t organize to save my life.  My home reflects this about me.  I would like a clean house, dinner on the table and a more organized lifestyle but I am at a loss as how to achieve that. I am a huge housewife FAIL. 

I’m not “one of those” moms.  I don’t volunteer at my son’s school, drive carpools, attend a plethora of playdates or throw fantastic birthday parties.  All of that stuff is way, way, WAY outside my comfort zone.  And I worry that this is going to negatively impact my children.  Socially.  I already see it with Harry and it makes me feel guilty like you would not believe. 

I’m not beautiful.  There are a lot of things about myself that think are downright unattractive.  Whenever I get my hair cut or dyed, buy new clothes or shoes or purchase and wear makeup, that is just me trying to make myself bearable to myself. 

I’m not socially talented.  This swings both ways.  While I’m not very good at putting myself out there, it also means that I don’t employ a lot of “tactics” that I think a lot of women just assume that other women use.  I don’t hang around people I don’t enjoy, so please don’t think me the sort to be manipulative or schemey.  What you see is pretty much what you get. 

By the same token, I don’t pick up “hints” very well.  Because, as I said, I’m not socially talented.  I virtually always need someone to come right out and say something if they want me to do something.  Because chances are, I’m not going to come up with it on my own.  I wish I could, but my brain just doesn’t work that way.  

I’m not at all outgoing.  This means I don’t call anyone on the phone (and when I say anyone I mean ANYONE) (I call my mom and I call Kile and THAT’S ABOUT IT).  I don’t approach people out in public.  I don’t stick my nose out in pretty much any social situation.  I’m painfully shy and bad social experiences seem to only reinforce this backward behavior. 

I’m not the sort that shows her feelings all the time.  I generally try to put for a very calm personna and it works pretty well.  It’s a coping mechanism.  But I do experience hurt and sadness.  Depression and anger.  If you knew me several years back, after we lost Jackson, and thought, “Wow, she is so strong!  I don’t know how she does it!” just know that behind the scenes, I was a complete and utter waste of a person.  I still am in many regards. 

_{I’m aware that there are some of you who don’t like to read posts like this.  I’m sorry.  I’m just in a mood today.  It’s been a rough day around here.   And these are all things that I think and that I know about myself.  It’s not opinion, it is fact.  It’s not very happy or pretty, but it is fact.} 

I am so on the ball this year, I amaze even myself.

Don’t hate me but… I have ALL my Christmas shopping DONE!  I placed an order for the last couple of presents on Old Navy’s website (did you see their awesome sale??) yesterday.  With that, there is NOTHING left for me to get.  Well, technically, I might get a little something from Liam and Evie for Harry and for each of them or whatever, but I’m not going to stress myself out about it (and it would be in the under $5 range anyhow).

Presents for Liam?  CHECK.
Presents for Evie? CHECK.
Presents for Harry? CHECK.
Presents for Kile? CHECK.

Most of them I bought online too, which is surprisingly “on the ball” of me.  And on sale to boot! (How thrifty!)  I can’t think of a single thing I got this year that I paid full price for.  That makes me riciculously happy.  I love saving money.  LOVE IT.

I am NEVER this on top of things.  Sure, in some years past, I might have had a good rein on things by now but to be all done?  This is unheard of.  And adding to the incredulity of the situation: I have Christmas cards.  AND STAMPS.  And theoretically, these stamps might get affixed to the envelopes and the envelopes might get (*gasp*) addressed and these things might actually get MAILED.  Like… soon!

I hope no one gets too used to this level of organization.  Because I certainly cannot guarantee a repeat performance.  I guess this means that all I have to do the rest of the month is sit back and relax.

Don’t you wish you were me?