Ya’ll are wonderful, really you are.  I actually kinda feel bad about the last post, as though I should have turned off comments or included a disclaimer or both.  I didn’t mean for it to feel desperate or anything, just contemplative.  The bottom line is: those thoughts weren’t unusual for me and neither were they weighted.  They’re the sort of thoughts that flit through your head while you’re taking a shower on a Christmas afternoon and coming down from a stress-high.  Seriously, I limped to bed last night because I was sore all over my body.  My arms and legs were a mess of cramped up muscles that ached and burned and the best reason I can come up with is that I’ve been so tense about the holidays that yesterday when the stress finally passed, I had sore, sore muscles.  Owie!

I guess what I’m trying to say here is: I feel better today.  Shoot, I felt better almost as soon as I had posted that.  I wrote down what I’d been thinking in the shower as soon as I got out and scheduled it to post this morning so I wouldn’t have to worry about getting a post done this morning.  And I felt a lot better after I had it done, because this blog is nothing if not an outlet for my emotions.  Bless it for that.

I don’t doubt that I probably need to see a psychiatrist or any of that.  Right now, I’m a little more than reluctant to deal with doctors after that whole thyroid fiasco.  But I know it needs to be done, sooner or later.  Because I know that I MUST have some form of depression.  I must.  I’m not naive enough to think that I don’t.

Today has been a good day though.  We got out, left the house.  Ventured out into the snow and got some In n’ Out Burger and hit the stores to spend some Christmas money. I got a lot of things for the kiddos, including a booster/highchair that straps onto a kitchen chair and some snow bibs for Liam (he has been DESPERATE to go play in the snow and now he can).  I also got a sweater dress/tunic for myself and some wool yarn and more knitting needles to play with.

So don’t worry about me, okay?  Please?  If you see me start shopping around for razor blades or shotgun shells, then you can worry.  But really, I promise I’m okay.  We all get down now and then, and I’m no different.  In the meantime, the holidays are over, and all is well once more.  Let’s all breathe a sigh of relief and move on, shall we?

Do you ever feel blue?

Do you ever wonder when things will “get easier”?

Do you ever then stop and wonder if maybe what is hard for you isn’t so hard for someone else?

Do you ever think someone (everyone) will think you are lame, a drama queen, pathetic, soft, etc because you have such a hard time?

Do you ever feel as though, regardless of how self-conscious you are about it, that the world is weighing on your shoulders ALL THE TIME?

Do you ever wake up in the night with your jaw and fists clenched?

Do you ever have a hard time just making yourself RELAX?

Do you ever think that maybe you are harming your children in some way with your sadness? Maybe not the little ones because they don’t notice as much but the nine-year-old for sure?

Do you ever wonder if they would be truly better off without you?

Do you ever watch those depression medication commercials and think that the “depressed” person is actually pretty normal?

Do you ever watch those same commercials and think that the happy person “after” the medication is unrealistic because NO WAY is anyone that happy on a general basis?

Do you ever think those silly online “Are You Depressed” quizes don’t apply to you because they ask if you have ever contemplated suicide and of course you would never, ever do that?

Do you ever then think that while you don’t have the stomach for a razor blade that maybe a fatal accident or fatal illness would be the better way to go?

Do you ever stop and realize how weird that sounds and that you are beyond stupid for even thinking it in the first place?

Do you ever then find a little voice saying in the back of your head, “Even if it’s true?”

Do you ever wonder if maybe you aren’t getting over the death of your child, spouse, parent, loved-one as well as you thought you were?

Do you find yourself having this entire monologue with yourself while you’re taking a shower, trying to will your sore muscles to relax and realizing that the hot water has already been mostly used up?

Do you ever then think that maybe you deserve not to have hot water for thinking such silly and stupid thoughts?

If you have or if you do, then we have something in common, I think.