I need my own money.

Like many stay at home moms, I rely on my husband’s income.  And it can be hard to budget things on only one income.  Especially when that paycheck only comes once a month.  And often, I don’t feel comfortable staking a claim on any of that money for things for myself.  Things like haircuts, clothes or anything else that isn’t an absolute necessity.  And let’s not forget hosting for this-here blog.  Speaking of such things, hosting will be due within a week and, as always, I will feel guilty at the measly $9.95 it costs to keep this place afloat.

I would love to make some of my own money.  I make a small (very small) amount off the BlogHerAds.  But even that I never feel as though it’s my “own” as it often gets used for things like groceries or gas.  Which, don’t get me wrong, I would far rather have gas in the car or food in the pantry as opposed to a new pair of shoes.  But sometimes it would be nice to have a little pool of money somewhere that I could save up and use for myself.  Even if that means buying things for the kids or as gifts.  It’s money I could spend without feeling the GUILT.

I hardly know what that feels like.  I don’t think I’ve ever really had money that I could just spend on whatever I wanted without feeling guilty.  A lot of people get to experience that in their early 20’s.  I never did, because I got married right away and then pregnant right after that and money has ALWAYS been an issue.  Even in college when I worked all summer long in an office job (making pretty decent money, by the way), it wasn’t money I could spend.  I remember when my best friends used their money they earned to go to Disneyland together and I couldn’t go because I had to do other things with my money.  I had to pay my parents back for a stupid mistake I had made when I got my first credit card.  And whatever didn’t go towards that had to do towards buying books at school or helping to pay for my dorm room or somesuch.

Even as a kid, I never really had an excess of money.  I got an allowance when I was younger, but I never seemed to get or have as much as my friends.  I can remember many times my friends would want to go to a movie and I would have to say that I couldn’t because I didn’t have enough money.  They would tell me to ask my parents for the money.  RIGHT.   Because that would have TOTALLY worked.  snort.  Shoot, I remember I would get nervous when teachers would assign projects in school that would require purchasing supplies like posterboard or whatever.  Because I didn’t have the money and I didn’t want to have to ask my parents for it.  Because I always thought they would say no, so why bother?  Now, I’m sure that for school they would have obliged.  But my young self didn’t really consider that.

I still can’t bring myself to ask for money.  Even from my own husband.  And a lot of that is because I know the money isn’t really there right now.  Asking would do nothing, so why bother?

I need to make my own.  That would probably help, right?  But how?  The blog design business is over and done with.  I would love to find something I could do here at home.  But what?  I’m afraid the only answer is working outside the home and right now with the two little ones, that’s not really feasible.  I don’t want to go to work only to have my entire paycheck get eaten up by day care costs.  That’s so not worth it, in more ways than one.  I’m not looking to make a fortune here.  But a little jingle in my pocket sure would be nice.  And maybe then I wouldn’t feel so devalued and useless, eh?