So it’s pretty much common knowledge around here that I’m just a mess.  There is ALWAYS something wrong with me.  Even if it’s just a touch of depression.  But there’s the thyroid that pretty much rages out of control because I forget to take pills (and don’t even care that I forget because… meh).  There’s the frequent headaches that morph into monstrous migraines if I give them half the chance.  There’s a hundred and one small and not terribly bothersome ailments that plague me daily.

And now, there’s my teeth.

Over the last couple of months, I’ve been having more and more trouble with them.   I’m pretty sure there’s a cavity on one of the molars on the left side of my mouth.  It’s gotten bad enough that I don’t chew food on that side of my mouth anymore.

There’s a permanent retainer behind my lower front teeth that the orthodontist assured me would fall out on it’s own some day.  That was 15 years ago.  The retainer isn’t showing any signs of going anywhere.  It’s in there GOOD.  The problem is that the teeth in my mouth are shifting and there’s pressure on these front teeth now.  And since the retainer is there, there’s pretty much constant pain on the sides of those teeth down into my jaw.

I also clench my jaw when I sleep.  I don’t do this on purpose, obviously. Kile doesn’t understand how I do this.  To him, you fall asleep and your body relaxes until you wake up.  He doesn’t see how your body can unconsciously tense up.  I’ve woken up with my fists clenched before, so I’m familiar with this.  And now, I wake up with my whole mouth hurting, my jaw sore from the effort of clenching it shut all night.  Why?  Stress, pressure, angst, who knows? There are nights that I have a hard time sleeping from the pain it causes.  I’ll wake up and try to force my jaw to relax, only to clench again as soon as I drift off to sleep.

I know I should see a dentist.  But the mere thought of going to see one makes my blood run cold.  And it’s not just the pain of dental work that frightens me.  Because at this point, that pain couldn’t be much worse than the pain I’m having.  But I worry about being yelled at for a) not coming to a dentist sooner (it’s been 11 years) and b) not taking better care of my teeth.  I live in fear of people yelling at me.  It’s the people pleaser in me.  I will sit and suffer with a hurt mouth if it means that someone won’t yell at me.   I also worry about the cost.  We have preventative dentist care covered under our insurance.  But once work needs done (and I’m pretty sure work needs done in my case), it starts getting spendy.  And coming into the Christmas season… we just can’t afford it.  And I don’t want us to have to, either.

So call me a coward.  I know I am.  And yet, I also know that I don’t know how much more of this constant pain I can take.  I’m getting more and more headaches, which I’m sure the mouth pain isn’t helping.  I’m tired.  I’m worn out.  Plainly put, I’m miserable.  Being a coward isn’t getting anything accomplished but I’m quite literally unsure of what else I can do at this point.

Calgon, take me away!