This morning, while cooing over Evie’s adorable-ness, I had a flash to those mothers who, for whatever reason, are jealous of their daughter’s good looks. Generally, these are women who have a truckload of self-worth issues and whatnot (and let’s be honest, who doesn’t?) and seem to take them out on their daughters. Which to me, seems monstrously unfair and also cruel. I want Evie to be prettier than I am! And while I think that, I know in my heart that it won’t be hard. Simply because I’m not pretty. At 19 months old, she’s already prettier than I am. But you know what? GOOD. It’s like redemption, in a way.
Of course, she IS my daughter and I am a tad biased. I’m sure no matter what I would always think she’s pretty. She always will be, in my eyes. And I said to Kile, “God help the first guy who tells her she isn’t pretty.” To which he replied, “Most guys wouldn’t say that.”
And that’s when the emotion flooded to the surface. The memories, doubts and angst were all the sudden just as fresh as they were years before. I said in return, “You’d be surprised.”
When I was just a young thing, I had a crush on a boy. It was the sort of crush that went on for years. Years and years. It wasn’t pretty. And when I eventually got the nerve up to have my friends talk to him (SNORT!), of course it did not work out the way I would have wanted. There was hemming and hawing and something about how I “wasn’t his type” and blah blah blah. These were all niceties and the bottom line was, I wasn’t pretty enough. Or, you know, pretty at all. So that was that.
Eighth grade pretty much sucked.
Years later, my first real, serious boyfriend… Shortly after we “met” (it was an online thing because I’m not so good with meeting people out in the big scary real world, even now), we exchanged pictures and… yeah. I’m not going to go into dramatic detail but basically, my picture didn’t quite measure up. And he wasn’t sure. He had to have some time to think about it. You know, all the while I’m shrinking until I’m about the size of an ant. Under a microscope, found lacking. Could a fairly ugly girl ever find happiness? I was starting to wonder.
A day or so later, he decided that he was fine with it and the relationship progressed… at least until I dumped him months later because he was kind of a high maintenance sort of guy. Well that and many, many other reasons. But yeah, a story for another time.
It was a common thread. Guys were never interested in me because I just didn’t fit into the classical definition of “pretty”. Some were tactful and tried to find ways to not have to come out and say it, and others did come out and say it. Either way, I always knew where I stood.
Kile rolls his eyes at me whenever I make mention of not being pretty, but it’s pretty matter of fact. Sure, there’s beauty on the inside, etc and so forth, blah blah blah. Was I going to win any beauty contests? Nope. For the most part, I’m pretty okay with it. Of course I’d like to be physically attractive. To have fine features, a petite build, a quick metabolism… who doesn’t want that? But there’s no changing biology and I look the way I look. End of story.
Still, a deep part of me hopes and prays and dreams and wishes that Evie will never EVER have to suffer knowing that she isn’t pretty to me. She’ll always be beautiful to me, of course, but I do feel guilt at hoping that the rest of the world will be able to see it too.
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4 Responses to “Pretty Girl”
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First of all, you are pretty even if you don’t believe it. You have the prettiest blue eyes I’ve ever seen! The rest of you isn’t bad either, but your eyes….I would kill somebody for eyes that color.
Secondly, are you trying to tell say that RICHARD had the freaking nerve to say something about you not being pretty??? Richard???? *snort* Like he’s Mr. Drop Dead Gorgeous. Oh, if I could go back in time and kick his sorry butt! Girl, his opinion is SO not important. Or based in reality.
And you know what? I just realized that you’re probably talking about that other guy, who I refuse to mention by name because I have (for the most part) blocked him from my memory. Is “high maintenance” politically correct for lazy, free-loading piece of crap?? Because that’s what he was. Instead of taking time to consider after he saw your picture he should have been jumping for joy that someone as awesome as you would even give him the time of day. If I had known that he said that to you, I would have pushed his sorry butt off Pier 39 and into the Bay when I had the chance. Because Marilyn, he is not even worthy of licking the dirt off the bottom of your shoes. He wasn’t then, and he still wouldn’t be now.
I know that I’m not a woman but – mothers that are jealous for their daughter pretty look is something really sick for me. This looks like some serious medical problem to take a closer look at. Really I don’t understand such women.
My little girl is soo pretty.. Big dark eyes, soft brown hair with golden highlights, olive skin, a feminine jawline (unlike mine). I personally can’t imagine being jealous. I know I’m pretty biased, but I think she’s beautiful. I had my share of “she’s ugly” comments growing up and was so convinced of it that the few compliments I did get, I considered kind lies. The first time I received a compliment I had to believe, I was seriously in shock. But that was years ago. I’ve come to believe the song that say “Every Woman’s Beautiful in her Own Way”. I’ve found that there really are very few people who ARE beautiful. Have you seen the “with and without makeup” pictures of the celebrities? Or read about all the cosmetic surgeries they go through? Or seen the Dove commercial that shows an ordinary woman done up and photoshopped into a goddess? It’s really not that common. But we all have something about us that *is* beautiful. A smile, fabulous hair, or gorgeous blue eyes
I do hope my girl is spared the “ugly” taunts by people who chose not to see her beauty. I hope if she does end up truly beautiful in the eyes of the world, that it does not make her feel entitled or better than others. I hope that she takes her strength from who she is, not her physical wrapping. Just my thoughts..