Here comes the weekend!  This weekend promises to be more exciting than the last one.  Which isn’t hard to do because last weekend was pretty tame and mellow.  Shoot, it’s only noon on Friday and this weekend is ALREADY more exciting.  So I figure by Sunday night, I might just lapse into a coma.  Of course, by then we’ll be in Tahoe for our mini-vacation so it’s sort of like a WEEK rather than a WEEKEND.

Large sums of money went into our bank account last night, thanks in part to the United States government.  And we have already done our part to a degree to try to stimulate the economy by going out and getting this.   Kile went down and picked it up this morning and then brought it home.  It’s currently sitting in the garage, waiting for someone to love on it.  Alas, it will have to wait until tonight.  This evening, we’re taking Harry out to Claim Jumper for dinner to celebrate his stellar report card (he’s a mad genius, yo).  I think we may do a little shopping while we’re out this evening too.  I’m not sure what or where, but I’m sure it’ll take place.

Then when the kids are in bed, we’ll get to play with the TV. I’m a little scared since it’ll involve moving the OLD TV out of the way.  And I’m quite sure it’s the biggest CRT style TV they made before they started making flat screens.  So it’s sorta heavy.  And cumbersome.  And we have no idea what to do with it.  Halp?

We also don’t have any new cabinets for storage yet… that’s on the list.  So we’ll probably try to keep the movie collection, etc in the entertainment center for now.  But soon as we have those cabinets, the entertainment center is going the way of the do do bird.

Tomorrow we need to go get some groceries.  And about a bazillion other things.  Like I said, busy weekend. I’m pretty much 100% positive we won’t get everything taken care of that we would like/need/etc to do.

Sunday will be filled with preparations for Tahoe, including driving up and checking and much rejoicing shall commence.  We’ve been investigating local snow parks and Kile is all about finding us some snowmobiles to run around on.  It’ll be busy and fun and chaotic and cold and WONDERFUL.

And, of course, we have the final season of “Lost” premiering on Tuesday night.  HOLD ME.

So here we go.  Hold onto your butts!

My favorite time of any day is after the kids are in bed at night and it’s just Kile and I hanging out together.  Usually we’re watching tv or a movie.  I’m knitting, he’s playing around on his iPhone or laptop.  But we’re together and it’s peaceful and we can relax and unwind together.

But my second favorite would have to be naptime.

I know how this looks: as though I’m all about getting away from the kids.  Which isn’t to say that I don’t love and enjoy them when they’re awake.  The weekends were in close contention for second place because it’s always so nice to hang out as a family for a few days.  I’m so looking forward to next week when we go to Tahoe and have some SERIOUS family time.  It’s going to be awesome.

But yes, I love the naptime.

After lunch, I gather the little ones up, give them sippy cups full of milk, make sure they have clean and dry pants on and send them up to bed.  Liam doesn’t always nap.  In fact, I’d say he USUALLY doesn’t nap.  But he plays in his room quietly for the duration of “naptime” and I am SO grateful for that.  I’ve found that he seems to enjoy the chance to play with the toys in his room alone without me hounding him about one thing or another or Evie running off with his favorite car.

Evie does still nap and if she does not have a nap for whatever reason (usually on the weekends while we’re out running around town), she gets hilariously crabby.  So I lay her down in her crib after lunch and she cuddles into the mattress while I pile the blankets on top of her (in the correct order: crochet baby blanket first, followed by the kitty quilt her aunt made her for Christmas).  “Nye, nye” she says.

And during these Blessed Hours, I can take a shower, dye yarn, wind yarn into yarn cakes (which isn’t as fun as it sounds), knit, do various and sundry chores and watch what I want to watch.

Getting to watch what I want to watch is a huge deal.  Generally during the day, it’s all about the kids. Nick Jr or the latest Disney DVD or whatever else is requested (“No, Liam.  We’re NOT watching “Cars” again.  I need a break.”).  I can cue up whatever is playing on HBO or any of the other premium movie channels or find something I’ve already recorded on the DVR.  If I’m feeling more specific, I’ll stick in a DVD.  This is my chance to watch what I feel like watching without anyone else’s input.

Sometime’s I watch fun movies like “Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion” or “Zoolander”.  Sometimes I want something a little more thought provoking like “Seven Pounds” or “The Green Mile.”  Or maybe I’m in the mood for some “Sense and Sensibility” or “You, Me and Dupree”.  Whatever I want.  It’s marvelous.

Though I’ve instituted a ban on “Marley and Me”.  I love Owen Wilson, god bless him, and he’s wonderful as usual in that movie.  But it makes me do the ugly cry and I just can’t do it anymore.   The Blessed Hours are for fun, not for sobbing headaches.   It’s for fun.  And maybe some Cheetos.

Some day I won’t have the Blessed Hours (and then, some day, the Blessed Hours will extend from the hours of 9-4 or so and that will be AWESOME-SAUCE).  But I will have these fond memories to look back.  The Blessed Hours help me keep my sanity.  And we all want me to have my sanity.  Yes, we do.

I know.  I’m impressed too.  Quite the feat!

Before I detail WHY I left the house today, I just wanted to give a quick sum-up of random thoughts and events over the last couple of days since I obviously cannot be trusted to blog daily anymore.

Friday I watched Conan O’Brian’s last Tonight Show.  And.. as someone on Facebook commented, as far as they’re concerned, the Tonight Show has ended.  I think there’s a lot of truth to this.  NBC and Jay Leno are killing what has been a television institution since 1954.  I will never watch Jay Leno on the Tonight Show.  And by the time he FINALLY gives it up (for good), the damage will have been done.  I don’t think the Tonight Show will ever have the same respect and legacy it once enjoyed.

Someone else online (over on Oprah.com this time, commenting on Jay Leno appearing on her show in hopes of winning back fans) commented that she doesn’t care for Leno’s brand of humor.  That his capitalizes off of sarcasm and condescension.  And I think that nails it on the head.  He belittles people.  Yes, idiots on Melrose who don’t know John Adams from Thomas Jefferson are appalling.  But neither are they funny.  I never cared for the “Jay Walking” segment because I always thought it was more depressing than anything else.  Funny headlines?  You can read that in Reader’s Digest.  Snarking about celebrities?  Mamapop does that far better.   Conan, at least, had a more positive bent to his comedy.  Very silly, yes.  Experimental, to be sure.  Often self deprecating?  Of course.  But I could admire and appreciate that far more.

Conan teared up during his last speech to the audience on Friday night and that did it for me.  He’s a classy guy and I admire him for making the tough decision to leave NBC rather than participate in the demise of the Tonight Show.   And it’ll be a cold day in hell before I ever voluntarily watch anything Leno does again.

Now all NBC has to do is fire Matt Lauer and I will likely never watch the stupid network again.  Go ahead, NBC.  TRY ME.

***

It’s the last week of January and that means next week is FEBRUARY!

I’m all kinds of excited about next week.  For two big reasons:  1) we get our tax refund and 2) we’re going to be spending a few days up in Tahoe at my parents’ time share starting next Sunday.   We have a lot of purchases planned for our tax refund, of course.  No sensible savings plan here!  Seriously though, these are things we have talked about and planned for for a while now so it’s not out of the blue.  We do this every year but this year is going to especially rock.  I can’t wait!

And the Tahoe trip is going to be awesome too.  I can’t wait to play in the snow with the kids and have a few days just to have fun with the family.  Anyone know of a good snowmobiling joint up there?  Kile is determined to find one.

***

And now for today.  We went to a birthday party for a dear friend of mine’s son.  He turned two and this is just incomprehensible to me because I’m sure it was just six month ago or something that he was BORN.  But whatever.  I made him a super cute pocket monster:

I think he enjoyed the monster.  At least I hope so.  But even more important, it was great to get out and do something and actually TALK to people.  This is rare around these parts these days.  We had a great time, visited for several hours.  And when it became apparent that Evie was in desperate need of a nap and the party was winding down, we made our goodbyes.  And no one got on our case for leaving OR for not playing the Wii.

AMAZING, I KNOW.

So thanks, Jenn.  We need to hang more often!!

Hope everyone had a good weekend and is ready for the next work week.  I am not sure I am but what choice do I have?  Monday comes, whether you want it to or not.

Thanks for the responses on my post about my “friend” headache.  I’m really not that disturbed by it anymore, especially since writing that post.  This blog has always been about getting things off my chest.  And that’s a new tack I’m taking here in 2010.   Get things off my chest while they’re bugging me, instead of letting it fester.  So I vented it all over so that it wouldn’t have a chance to weigh me down any further.  And you know what?  It worked.  God bless it.

I’ve made my peace with the situation.  It is what it is.  I don’t need that special brand of crazy in my life and I am far, far better for putting it behind me.  I do get sad when I think of it, but anymore it’s usually more angry at them for being such tools to me or wistful of what could have been a lovely friendship had they tried to meet me halfway.  But, again… it is what it is.  And I’m done with it.  I’m better when I’m not trying to suppress myself anyhow.

***

And another round of thanks for the comments on the post about Jackson that I wrote last week.  It was sort of the same deal as writing about the friends.  Though Jackson will never be a loose end that can be neatly tied up or cut off or whatever… it helps to vent my emotions about losing him.  I’m not sure how frequently I’ll talk about it.  Surely not as frequently as I think about it.  But I will talk about it because I know this: talking about it helps.  If you know someone who has lost a baby, encourage them to talk about it.  They need to, when they’re ready.

***

I’m doing pretty okay now… a couple weeks into the New Year.   I wouldn’t say I’m doing perfect by any stretch of the imagination.  Shoot… is anyone?  But even though I wouldn’t say I’m bursting at the seams with happiness, I’m feeling… good.  Not too stressed (yet).  Not too depressed (thank GOD).  Just… good.  Okay and moving along.  That’s all I could really want, you know?  I don’t ask for the world, just a comfortable little piece of it.

So no worries (or gloating, for you haters if you’re out there) about me and how I’m feeling.  I’ve got no complaints.  There are good days and there are bad.  But it’s nothing I can’t handle.  And as long as I have this blog to vent on, I’ll keep handling it just fine, thank you.

I’ve come a long way in two + years.  Why… days go by that I don’t think of the people who used to be my “friends” and how I was essentially shut out of a friendship that I once cherished.  But I still do think of it, from time to time.  And I get very upset when I do.  Why, do you ask?  Why, when I was treated so carelessly?  Because I cared; very much.

Now, there is the off-chance that one or more of the parties involved may read this blog and read what I have to say here.  I would be tempted to say it’s unlikely, because that would denote some level of caring on their part.  But it could happen, mostly because they might care what I have to say about THEM.  It would give them an opportunity to feel righteously indignant, that’s for sure.  And I’m sure they would care about that.  But about ME?  Nope.  In fact, the more time that passes, the more I am convinced that they didn’t really ever care for me as a friend.  I’m hesistant to say that they even cared about me as a person, judging by how easily they cast me aside.

Now, before we go any further, I don’t want it to sound as though I was completely innocent and blameless in how our “friendship” went down.  I did some stupid, thoughtless things.  And regardless of the fact that I didn’t view what I did as mean-spirited as they thought I did, the important thing is that they did view it as mean-spirited.  And I felt awful for hurting feelings that way, when that was obviously not at all my intention.  I would never want to knowingly hurt my friends, because they are friends.   And if you do hurt them, you better damn well apologize.

And I did.  At least once, if not many, many more times.  I apologized in person, on the phone and via email and by way of text message.  The last thing I wanted was for anyone to be angry with me.  I was fully willing to own up to what I had done.

(For those of you who are new here, what I did was this:  1) I had ditched out on a day of Vacation Bible School, where I was supposed to help watch babies in the nursery.  If you know me personally, you know that watching other people’s children is NOT a strength of mine.  I was signed up for this, without being given much choice, by one of my “friends”.  What I should have done right there is tell her I could not do it.  But I am a people pleaser and didn’t want to cause a stir.  I felt I could deal with it.  I couldn’t.   2) I had come to a birthday party for one of my friend’s children, feeling kinda in a bad mood and sporting a mean headache.  I didn’t feel very up to socializing and kept to myself most of the evening because I didn’t want to dampen things for anyone else.  When asked if I wanted a turn at playing Wii Sports, I declined as politely as I could.  I really felt I would rather watch than participate.  I finally had my husband take me home where I knew I would be happier.  3) The next day, at another birthday party, we left after cake had been served and presents had been opened.  We had been there for several hours already and as a few other people were leaving, we felt it was time.  No one asked us to stay when we said our goodbyes.  3)  The next day after #2, on the walk to school, my son was called a “butthead” by one of my “friends” sons.  This upset him greatly because he’s a very sensitive child.  I was upset that he was upset.  When he asked that I pick him up from school and drive him the next morning instead of doing the walk, I agreed to it.  I told my “friend” that we would be doing this and she didn’t seem to care either way.  I basically got no reaction.   Still feeling out of sorts, as I detected a cold shoulder from my friend and feeling generally moody, I wrote a blog post about this encounter to get it off my chest, which wasn’t entirely about the incident as much it was about remembering unpopularity from my own childhood.  Afterward, I felt much better and ready to put the whole thing behind me.)

Still with me?  It’s a tangled web.

After #1, I apologized profusely when it became apparent to me that my ditching out had caused some anger.  I was basically shunned at a VBS event that evening.  But women are masters of passive aggressiveness and my “friend” assured me that she wasn’t angry at me.  That she just didn’t see me there or she would have said hello.  SURE.   But I let it go.  She said we were cool so I figured we were cool.  I do tend to be a little naive.  After #2, I felt better after getting home and settling down.  I didn’t know why I felt so out of sorts.  It was though my emotions were bubbling beneath the surface and I couldn’t filter them.  My “friend” called to see if I was okay.  I told her I had a little headache, that I felt a little out of sorts and that I was already feeling better.  It wasn’t anything personal, I assured her.   Little did I know, her husband felt I had been extremely rude when turning down playing Wii Sports with everyone else.  I wish I had known, because I would have insisted that I meant nothing by it.  I just simply wasn’t in the mood to play it and preferred to watch.   The next day, at the second party, I received a cold shoulder from the friend whose party I had attended the day before.  But we made the best of it and had a good time, I thought.  Harry, we hardly saw during the whole party as he was off with the kids playing video games and the like.  As we left, he told us some of the kids had left him out and hurt his feeling a little.  But he was (and is!) a sensitive child and what would be no big deal to some, is always a big deal to him.  I generally filter these things through that knowledge, but it still is never nice to see your child upset.  That said, he did say he had a good time and that is what matters most, yes? The next day, with the “butthead” incident, I had received another cold shoulder from my “friend” and when, mid-walk, when Harry got very upset over the name calling and I hung back to see what had happened, she neither waited for us to catch up or asked me what had happened.  I took this to mean she didn’t care about it, which sort of upset me a little.  I would have expected at least a “what happened?” when we finally caught up.  Harry had asked me to drive him to and from school so I told her that I wouldn’t be walking down the next couple of days.  There was no expression on her face as she accepted this information.  Again, I took it to mean she didn’t care.  She didn’t ask at that point why or what had happened again.  So I thought maybe the distance would help her cool off a little.  And myself too, as I was progressively getting more and more upset by the whole thing.  I couldn’t fathom why she wouldn’t care.  I was her friend, right?  Wouldn’t there at least be SOME concern?  Or interest?

I stewed about this the rest of the morning until I wrote the blog post in question.  Now, I shouldn’t have done that.  I needed somewhere to vent and I wrongfully thought that my blog was neutral territory.  I was vague enough, I thought, if it did get read.  But I was pretty sure it wouldn’t.  And I never in a million years thought it would hurt any feelings.  That was my bad.  Lesson to be learned: never blog about friendships.  EVER.  I woke up from a nap that afternoon, feeling infinitely better, to see a comment by “Other Friend” (the hostess of the second birthday party, for those of you who are keeping track).  And I was STUNNED.  Honestly, I couldn’t fathom it for a few minutes. I had to read and re-read and re-re-read it to make sure I was seeing what was truly there.  I never imagined I would get a response like that from one of them.  I realized that the blog post, besides being a poor idea in the first place, was entirely and 100% misjudged.  I felt awful.  I emailed her back to apologize profusely and try to explain myself.  A few other comments were left by dear, dear readers.  And I saw that, though they were “sticking up” for me, they too misread the post and assumed I was calling these children bullies.  Oh dear.  What a pickle.  My husband tried to diffuse the situation with a comment and I both commenters emailed me privately to apologize for fanning the flames and again offer their support.  I had several more positive emails from people.  But then I received a comment from the husband of my “friend” (the one who threw the FIRST party and shunned me the next two days).  And… wow.   If the first comment stunned me, this one was a sucker punch.  I was meant to feel shamed by it and shamed I did feel.  Is this how they were seeing me?  It was like hearing about yourself in the third person.

Again, I will say: I had my fault in this.  I was feeling VERY moody.  But I thought, perhaps incorrectly, that I was shielding people around me from the brunt of my raging emotions.  I guess I wasn’t.  My intention, of course, was never to hurt.  And I was torn up at the thought of hurting my friends, especially because it was inadvertently.  And because I knew that my behavior had not been what it should have been.  I sent many emails to all the parties involved.  I received an email from my friend’s husband and again, he made it apparent that I was attacking them, that they were devastated and hurt and that I was in the wrong.

I tried so hard to explain myself.  But I think my explanations fell on deaf ears.  We found out a day or so later that I was unexpectedly pregnant.  And my swinging moods were finally explained.  That alone made me feel so much better.  It always feels good to have an explanation for something you have been in the dark about.  And just KNOWING helped me be able to manage it better.  At least I knew it wasn’t some of weird psychological thing.  This was explained to our “friends”, in the hopes that they would be happy for us and be willing to let it all go.

That didn’t happen.  We were issued cold “congratulations” and once again told that I was deliberately hurtful.  This persisted for a few days before I finally arranged to meet Kelly after the school drop off and work out our issues.  I apologized.  I tried again to explain myself.  I apologized some more.  I explained my desire to preserve the friendship.

And it has never been the same since.  We have done a few things socially with both “friends” and their families but it was never like it once was.  I never felt the support from any of them that I would have expected to find.  It was as though the events over those three days (I include the VBS thing because I believe a lot of hurt feelings were carried over from that, even though I had been assured they hadn’t), had completely dissolved the friendship.  My mind didn’t want to accept this for a very long time.  You just don’t do that to friends!  Friends give each other a chance!  They accept apologies and move on because the friendship is so much more important than the grudge.

That is why after a few years, I had to realize that the reason they so easily cast me aside is that I never truly was their friend.  They never did really care for me or my family.  If you care for someone, you give them a second chance.  Third chance.  FOURTH and FIFTH chances.  They’re your friends.  This is why I kept giving them chances.  Even after we were left out for a Halloween party, even after my “friend” backed out of my baby shower, even after plans were continually canceled on us.  After we were left out or otherwise meant to feel uncomfortable.  I wanted to try to remain friendly with them because we had been (I thought) great friends.  I had had a great time with these people, once upon a time.  I truly cared for them and their families.  Spending time together had always brightened my day.  I wanted to keep that, grow it, and hold onto it.  And I had such a hard time convincing myself it was a sham the whole time.

I am sure, that if one of them were to read this post, they would recoil with indignation and disbelief and this same “confusion” that was peddled in all those emails to me back in August of 2007.  I am sure their only concern would be about how poorly I am trying to make THEM look (as if anyone who reads this blog on a regular basis really knows who they are) (or cares).  They wouldn’t care anything about the fact that myself and my family were hurt just as much by what went down as they were.  Even moreso, I dare say, since I don’t believe they ever really cared about us in the first place.  They only cared about image.  Image is everything.  It took me 2 years to be able to admit that to myself.

I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be fine with the whole thing.  It still smarts to think of it, so I try not to.  And as I mentioned before, many days go by where I am able to put it out of my mind.  But every time I reel back from a social interaction, I know it is because of all this.   I know I need to rise above it.  There is nothing any of them can do to “fix” me, I can only fix myself.

It’s just a shame that they broke me in the first place.