I’ve come a long way in two + years. Why… days go by that I don’t think of the people who used to be my “friends” and how I was essentially shut out of a friendship that I once cherished. But I still do think of it, from time to time. And I get very upset when I do. Why, do you ask? Why, when I was treated so carelessly? Because I cared; very much.
Now, there is the off-chance that one or more of the parties involved may read this blog and read what I have to say here. I would be tempted to say it’s unlikely, because that would denote some level of caring on their part. But it could happen, mostly because they might care what I have to say about THEM. It would give them an opportunity to feel righteously indignant, that’s for sure. And I’m sure they would care about that. But about ME? Nope. In fact, the more time that passes, the more I am convinced that they didn’t really ever care for me as a friend. I’m hesistant to say that they even cared about me as a person, judging by how easily they cast me aside.
Now, before we go any further, I don’t want it to sound as though I was completely innocent and blameless in how our “friendship” went down. I did some stupid, thoughtless things. And regardless of the fact that I didn’t view what I did as mean-spirited as they thought I did, the important thing is that they did view it as mean-spirited. And I felt awful for hurting feelings that way, when that was obviously not at all my intention. I would never want to knowingly hurt my friends, because they are friends. And if you do hurt them, you better damn well apologize.
And I did. At least once, if not many, many more times. I apologized in person, on the phone and via email and by way of text message. The last thing I wanted was for anyone to be angry with me. I was fully willing to own up to what I had done.
(For those of you who are new here, what I did was this: 1) I had ditched out on a day of Vacation Bible School, where I was supposed to help watch babies in the nursery. If you know me personally, you know that watching other people’s children is NOT a strength of mine. I was signed up for this, without being given much choice, by one of my “friends”. What I should have done right there is tell her I could not do it. But I am a people pleaser and didn’t want to cause a stir. I felt I could deal with it. I couldn’t. 2) I had come to a birthday party for one of my friend’s children, feeling kinda in a bad mood and sporting a mean headache. I didn’t feel very up to socializing and kept to myself most of the evening because I didn’t want to dampen things for anyone else. When asked if I wanted a turn at playing Wii Sports, I declined as politely as I could. I really felt I would rather watch than participate. I finally had my husband take me home where I knew I would be happier. 3) The next day, at another birthday party, we left after cake had been served and presents had been opened. We had been there for several hours already and as a few other people were leaving, we felt it was time. No one asked us to stay when we said our goodbyes. 3) The next day after #2, on the walk to school, my son was called a “butthead” by one of my “friends” sons. This upset him greatly because he’s a very sensitive child. I was upset that he was upset. When he asked that I pick him up from school and drive him the next morning instead of doing the walk, I agreed to it. I told my “friend” that we would be doing this and she didn’t seem to care either way. I basically got no reaction. Still feeling out of sorts, as I detected a cold shoulder from my friend and feeling generally moody, I wrote a blog post about this encounter to get it off my chest, which wasn’t entirely about the incident as much it was about remembering unpopularity from my own childhood. Afterward, I felt much better and ready to put the whole thing behind me.)
Still with me? It’s a tangled web.
After #1, I apologized profusely when it became apparent to me that my ditching out had caused some anger. I was basically shunned at a VBS event that evening. But women are masters of passive aggressiveness and my “friend” assured me that she wasn’t angry at me. That she just didn’t see me there or she would have said hello. SURE. But I let it go. She said we were cool so I figured we were cool. I do tend to be a little naive. After #2, I felt better after getting home and settling down. I didn’t know why I felt so out of sorts. It was though my emotions were bubbling beneath the surface and I couldn’t filter them. My “friend” called to see if I was okay. I told her I had a little headache, that I felt a little out of sorts and that I was already feeling better. It wasn’t anything personal, I assured her. Little did I know, her husband felt I had been extremely rude when turning down playing Wii Sports with everyone else. I wish I had known, because I would have insisted that I meant nothing by it. I just simply wasn’t in the mood to play it and preferred to watch. The next day, at the second party, I received a cold shoulder from the friend whose party I had attended the day before. But we made the best of it and had a good time, I thought. Harry, we hardly saw during the whole party as he was off with the kids playing video games and the like. As we left, he told us some of the kids had left him out and hurt his feeling a little. But he was (and is!) a sensitive child and what would be no big deal to some, is always a big deal to him. I generally filter these things through that knowledge, but it still is never nice to see your child upset. That said, he did say he had a good time and that is what matters most, yes? The next day, with the “butthead” incident, I had received another cold shoulder from my “friend” and when, mid-walk, when Harry got very upset over the name calling and I hung back to see what had happened, she neither waited for us to catch up or asked me what had happened. I took this to mean she didn’t care about it, which sort of upset me a little. I would have expected at least a “what happened?” when we finally caught up. Harry had asked me to drive him to and from school so I told her that I wouldn’t be walking down the next couple of days. There was no expression on her face as she accepted this information. Again, I took it to mean she didn’t care. She didn’t ask at that point why or what had happened again. So I thought maybe the distance would help her cool off a little. And myself too, as I was progressively getting more and more upset by the whole thing. I couldn’t fathom why she wouldn’t care. I was her friend, right? Wouldn’t there at least be SOME concern? Or interest?
I stewed about this the rest of the morning until I wrote the blog post in question. Now, I shouldn’t have done that. I needed somewhere to vent and I wrongfully thought that my blog was neutral territory. I was vague enough, I thought, if it did get read. But I was pretty sure it wouldn’t. And I never in a million years thought it would hurt any feelings. That was my bad. Lesson to be learned: never blog about friendships. EVER. I woke up from a nap that afternoon, feeling infinitely better, to see a comment by “Other Friend” (the hostess of the second birthday party, for those of you who are keeping track). And I was STUNNED. Honestly, I couldn’t fathom it for a few minutes. I had to read and re-read and re-re-read it to make sure I was seeing what was truly there. I never imagined I would get a response like that from one of them. I realized that the blog post, besides being a poor idea in the first place, was entirely and 100% misjudged. I felt awful. I emailed her back to apologize profusely and try to explain myself. A few other comments were left by dear, dear readers. And I saw that, though they were “sticking up” for me, they too misread the post and assumed I was calling these children bullies. Oh dear. What a pickle. My husband tried to diffuse the situation with a comment and I both commenters emailed me privately to apologize for fanning the flames and again offer their support. I had several more positive emails from people. But then I received a comment from the husband of my “friend” (the one who threw the FIRST party and shunned me the next two days). And… wow. If the first comment stunned me, this one was a sucker punch. I was meant to feel shamed by it and shamed I did feel. Is this how they were seeing me? It was like hearing about yourself in the third person.
Again, I will say: I had my fault in this. I was feeling VERY moody. But I thought, perhaps incorrectly, that I was shielding people around me from the brunt of my raging emotions. I guess I wasn’t. My intention, of course, was never to hurt. And I was torn up at the thought of hurting my friends, especially because it was inadvertently. And because I knew that my behavior had not been what it should have been. I sent many emails to all the parties involved. I received an email from my friend’s husband and again, he made it apparent that I was attacking them, that they were devastated and hurt and that I was in the wrong.
I tried so hard to explain myself. But I think my explanations fell on deaf ears. We found out a day or so later that I was unexpectedly pregnant. And my swinging moods were finally explained. That alone made me feel so much better. It always feels good to have an explanation for something you have been in the dark about. And just KNOWING helped me be able to manage it better. At least I knew it wasn’t some of weird psychological thing. This was explained to our “friends”, in the hopes that they would be happy for us and be willing to let it all go.
That didn’t happen. We were issued cold “congratulations” and once again told that I was deliberately hurtful. This persisted for a few days before I finally arranged to meet Kelly after the school drop off and work out our issues. I apologized. I tried again to explain myself. I apologized some more. I explained my desire to preserve the friendship.
And it has never been the same since. We have done a few things socially with both “friends” and their families but it was never like it once was. I never felt the support from any of them that I would have expected to find. It was as though the events over those three days (I include the VBS thing because I believe a lot of hurt feelings were carried over from that, even though I had been assured they hadn’t), had completely dissolved the friendship. My mind didn’t want to accept this for a very long time. You just don’t do that to friends! Friends give each other a chance! They accept apologies and move on because the friendship is so much more important than the grudge.
That is why after a few years, I had to realize that the reason they so easily cast me aside is that I never truly was their friend. They never did really care for me or my family. If you care for someone, you give them a second chance. Third chance. FOURTH and FIFTH chances. They’re your friends. This is why I kept giving them chances. Even after we were left out for a Halloween party, even after my “friend” backed out of my baby shower, even after plans were continually canceled on us. After we were left out or otherwise meant to feel uncomfortable. I wanted to try to remain friendly with them because we had been (I thought) great friends. I had had a great time with these people, once upon a time. I truly cared for them and their families. Spending time together had always brightened my day. I wanted to keep that, grow it, and hold onto it. And I had such a hard time convincing myself it was a sham the whole time.
I am sure, that if one of them were to read this post, they would recoil with indignation and disbelief and this same “confusion” that was peddled in all those emails to me back in August of 2007. I am sure their only concern would be about how poorly I am trying to make THEM look (as if anyone who reads this blog on a regular basis really knows who they are) (or cares). They wouldn’t care anything about the fact that myself and my family were hurt just as much by what went down as they were. Even moreso, I dare say, since I don’t believe they ever really cared about us in the first place. They only cared about image. Image is everything. It took me 2 years to be able to admit that to myself.
I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be fine with the whole thing. It still smarts to think of it, so I try not to. And as I mentioned before, many days go by where I am able to put it out of my mind. But every time I reel back from a social interaction, I know it is because of all this. I know I need to rise above it. There is nothing any of them can do to “fix” me, I can only fix myself.
It’s just a shame that they broke me in the first place.
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8 Responses to “Friends in Reno: A Fairytale”
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I agree with you. If someone doesn’t give you another chance, they’re not your friend. I have a similar situation going on with a friend. She didn’t attend my 30th birthday party, so I got a bit upset. I didn’t yell, I just was a bit chilly. Because of that her husband swore at me and called me horrible names. My friend and I were starting to get along again, but that delayed things. I have apologized in my part in things PROFUSELY and all I ask is that she apologizes for what her significant other said to me. She refuses to do so – says it’s not her place – and backs him up.
Why are friendships so hard?
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Well, as someone who is completely biased in all of this since you’ve been my best friend since 1994, I say these “friends” of yours are the big losers in this whole situation. Because, Marilyn, as a friend, you ROCK! It’s not easy to be married to somebody in the military and be far from your friends and the place you consider home. And just knowing that you are there, and would be there at the drop of a hat if I needed you to be? That’s priceless. And that these people don’t know that, don’t have that from you (and I dare say don’t deserve it anyway), they are the ones that are missing out.
aw mar, sorry all that happened. friendships are hard, and like marriages they have ups and downs. and it seems like as an adult it’s even harder to meet people and build new friendships. you are a good person, hold on to that, and your family, and in the long run you’ll be just fine. now, when are we gonna hang? :p
You are not ‘broken.’ Hurt yes, but not broken {hug} Things like this just happen.. people see situations through their own viewpoints, read meanings into things, and draw from past experiences to shape their view of their current lives. Just because it ended badly doesn’t mean that you never were really friends. Not everyone views friendship the same way. Friendships aren’t forever for everyone. I had so many friendships end as I grew up (due to school changes or moving or any number of reasons). I too have been ‘dumped’ for reasons I can’t fathom.. and sometimes for reasons that I can. I regret those, but I try to learn from them. For the longest, I couldn’t see friendship as anything but temporary. I have since found a few friendships that just might be forever.. but I’m not naive enough to think that I could do or say ANYTHING and not kill the friendship. Because you can’t anticipate how another person will react.. The wrongs words may push an unseen button and a harsh delivery seal the deal. Dealing with the aftermath can be tricky and help heal a wound or confirm it. I now try to treat my friendships like I might a flower.. Appreciate it, nourish it, and sometimes leave it alone. They may last forever, they may not.. but I will be the best friend I can be. Stick to my word, be supportive, show I care, try to look for the best intentions in everything, don’t hope for or expect the world, and count my blessings.. And hope that they can do the same. If it doesn’t work.. it’s sad. Sometimes you just can’t recover as much as you both may want to. But I’ll learn from it as best I can..
{{big hugs}} I’m sorry to all of you – parents and kids. It sounds like you all lost a lot.
I believe that people come and go in our lives for a reason. Whether it’s to teach us what we want out of life, what we don’t want out of life, or just how to change a tire….take something away from every relationship! Friends are not made overnight. These relationships take time to cultivate, especially for women. The good thing about having the experience you had, you will now be able to recognize, early on, the traits you do not want in a friend. This makes the weeding out process much faster. People who give you the cold shoulder, and resort to name calling, and nasty emails, are essentially still in 7th grade, and who wants to go back to 7th grade?! You said it’s been two years, and it still hurts to think about all that transpired…and I understand that on some level….however, you did all you could do, you apologized for your part, you tried to make the “wrongs” right, the ball was in their court, and they choose to take the ball and go home. Now is the time for the person you aim to please, to be yourself. Our children learn more from example, then by anything we tell them. So show your children how to move on from bad relationships, into self fulfilling ones. They will thank you for it later, hopefully!
I am a little late on this (better late than never?). I am sorry to hear that things didn’t get sorted out after you went out of your way to apologize to them. I would’ve thought that explaining that you were unknowingly pregnant which was causing you not to feel all that great would’ve been enough for them to blow it off – I mean, they had kids, right, so they should know what it’s like.
I’ve been in the same position as you guys, though. I thought I had some great friends, but really when it came down to it, when I really needed friends, I found I was all alone.
I think it’s better to know now who your friends are and to move on, than to try to keep up some sort of superficial friendship. Either way, it totally sucks.
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I think that being friends with women is the hardest. They can be catty and mean while acting like they aren’t doing anything wrong and often (I find this very frustrating) the men in our lives can sense when something like that is going on. They can’t read between the lines very well or they choose not too. Anyway, I’m glad that you are able to move forward. Sometimes friends are only meant to be there for a day or a minute or an hour..some are around for years and some are there your entire life, but most come and go..I guess it’s human nature. I’ve tried to accept that, but it’s still hard to let go sometimes.
Good hosts don’t ger snippy if guests don’t play party games. True friends forgive each other. I am glad you are doing better. Do you have a different circle of friends now?
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