I’ve mentioned before that I’m feeling better now than I did even just a year ago. And so much better than the years before that even. But now… oh my. The difference is so startling. And that’s just the difference between when I felt that I was better and now when I am SO MUCH better. And I look back, at the last 5 or so years, and I wonder “HOW did I make it, feeling that way??”
It’s plain to me now that I wasn’t really living. I was existing. Surviving. Going through the motions and letting one day roll into the next until months and years had passed. I was mostly okay with it because I didn’t comprehend the hole I was in. It was just life and there are ups and downs, yes?
But now, the blindfold has come off and I can see again. I don’t just feel better, I feel fantastic. Before, if I thought of things such as friendships lost and loneliness, it would pull me down into an abyss of angst. Then, earlier this year when I was starting to come out of it, I would be generally content. However, when I would think of these same things, I would feel some twinges of that angst. There was no abyss and I wouldn’t wallow but I would feel regret and sadness and … ugh. Not fun stuff, that! But I was starting to see more perspective on things that happened, at my part in things that went wrong. I’m thinking specifically of some friendships I had that if you’ve been reading me for a while, you might recall some mention of. I no longer was feeling the crippling grief and self-pity that I had before. Everything was getting better, I was starting to see (with horrible clarity) my hand in the dissolution of that friendship. Why hadn’t I seen so clearly before? I felt embarrassed.
But now? Now that the lights are fully on and I am back to life? I don’t feel the angst. Yes, maybe a momentary wistfulness for friendships lost but I am so completely past it now that I can pull out those thoughts and memories, turn them over and examine them, and feel so abyss pulling at me, no grief or guilt or regret. It’s done and so totally ancient history. I was not a happy person when that all went down. I didn’t even completely see it at the time, I don’t think anyone saw it. So what is the point in dwelling on it? No point at all. And honestly, I don’t even think of it much at all anymore. Where once I was consumed, then I was occasionally pulled in… now I glance and shrug and move on.
Oh… this is so much better.
Looking back, I can see so clearly that I had some major issues with self-loathing and self-worth. I was disgusted by myself. So how could anyone else accept me if I was so repellant? I wallowed in the social anxiety, letting is suck me in and not let me back out again. I was alone and truly felt that I deserved to be alone. I felt sorry for myself without ever accepting that I was worth anything more. It was horrible. But the worst part is that I didn’t see it and I didn’t try to find a way out sooner.
I’m not entirely sure how I found my way out now, in fact. Was it getting my thyroid under control? Was it Liam starting Kindergarten? Going back to MOPS? Everything altogether? I wish I knew the formula, in case I ever find myself in the abyss again. But the way I’m feeling now, I don’t see any abyss in sight. I feel better mentally AND physically. I have energy and enthusiasm and I’m ready to go.
Watch out, World!