Category Archive for Infertility Bites

Posted on April 2nd, 2008

I’m still adjusting to the whole “I’m sterile now” thing.  Truthfully, I haven’t had a lot of time to think about it.  And whenever I do think about it, my mind reels and refuses to consider it for longer than about 3 nanoseconds.  Why?  Because it’s strange.  Weird.

For nearly ten years now, my focus has been either a) get pregnant b) stay pregnant or c) take care of newborn baby.  I am dealing with c) right now, but both a) and b) are off the books.  It has been a huge part of my life, having babies.  Even huger than I think I realized.  Virtually everything I did, thought, said, wrote, saw or planned was somehow related to having a baby.  It colored everything I did and, in the end, who I am.  Though I’d like to think otherwise, this whole business did define me as a person these last ten years.

We were married in August of 1998 and it wasn’t but a month or two later that I tossed out my birth control pills and started cruising pregnancy websites and eyeballing “what if” ovulation calculators.  I think it’s safe to say that I had baby fever.  I though we were “trying” back then, but it’s a notion that’s laughable to me now (now that I know what real “trying” is like).  In reality, we were just open to the possibilities.  Lucky for us, possibility became reality after Valentine’s Day 1999.  I was pregnant for the first time ever and I truly felt like my life was fulfilled.  I loved being pregnant.  I loved maternity clothes and shopping for baby goodies and even going to my monthly doctor appointments.

There was a (very short) period of time after Harry was born that I didn’t want to consider having another anytime soon.  I think that lasted, oh, about five months.  Maybe seven.  By the summer of 2000, I was ready to try again.  I wanted to be pregnant again.  I wanted Harry to have a sibling.  I was charmed with the notion of having children close in age (*snorfle*).  I was sure that it would be like it had been before.  We would “try” for a couple months and then I’d be pregnant.  Voila!

But… no.  Didn’t happen.  By 2001, I was starting to get a little nervous.  I started to chart my morning temperature, take ovulation predictor tests and chat with other fertilely-challenged women.  Becoming pregnant again became a mission to me.  I think it’s safe to say that I became obsessed.  I remember telling Kile one year that there were only three things I wanted: to be pregnant, to have a house and to have a new car (a minivan, to be precise).  In October of 2001, we had the minivan.  The following summer, we moved into a rental house.  Still… not pregnant.  It took several more months before I would return to the reproductive endocrinologist we’d been referred to in order to start a Clomid regimen.  I put it off because I was scared.  I didn’t want to admit that it would take such drastic measures to get pregnant.  But soon, I was obsessed enough that I didn’t care HOW I got pregnant, I just wanted to BE pregnant.

I spent the next year getting pregnant and being pregnant.  And then… the worst happened. God, what a slap in the face.  After all that time, all that obsessing and dreaming and hoping.  After all the money we spent.  After all of that we lost the baby.  It made me realize that simply “being pregnant” wasn’t the goal.  All along, I think I thought it had been.  After all, with Harry it was a simple as that.  Get pregnant = have a baby.  I learned, the hard way, that pregnant doesn’t always equal baby.  And as much as I loved being pregnant, I wanted a baby even more.

It was a nerve wracking year.  I wanted to get pregnant again, but I hoped that I would be able to without the aid of Clomid.  I guess I still had some leftover denial rattling around in there.  I was not in a good place, mentally, anyhow.  I would cry at the drop of a hat.  I would often spend entire days in a fog of sadness.  I think of 2004 and I think of pain.  At Christmas that year, though, I’d had enough.  I told Kile we needed to back to the doctor and go again.  So we did.  And I got pregnant.  Again.  My doctor decided I was too big of a risk and referred me to an obstetrician.  And for a while, all seemed well. And then… well, you know the story.

It might have been easy to call it quits then. Shoot, I think that’s what I wanted to do.  Just crawl in a dark hole and pull it in after me.  But Kile was determined and because of him, we got right back on the horse.  And I got pregnant again, on Clomid, rather quickly.  It felt “meant to be”.  It had to be though.  I was obsessed still, nervous and full of anxiety at every turn.  Oh, I did a great job of hiding it out in public and even here on the blog.  That’s just my nature though.  But trust me when I say: I was a wreck.  And you know what?  I got a baby out of the deal.  At long, long, LONG last.  How marvelous that day was.  A total fulfillment of YEARS of aching and wanting and needing.

So I felt pretty sated for a while.  I had an adorable little baby to take care of every day and he charmed me at every turn.  My focus shifted almost subtly from getting and being pregnant to taking care of a little newborn.  It felt like starting over.  It was awesome.  I’ll always look back on Liam’s first year of life with very fond memories.  I was so happy.

We talked about having our next child fairly soon.  Let’s face it, I wasn’t getting any younger and as much as the age difference between Liam and Harry was turning out to be a blessing in disguise, we wanted to have a smaller gap between Liam and his younger sibling.  We causally talked about maybe trying again in the fall of 2007 and left it at that.  But (and who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?) I was already pregnant.  Unbeknownst to pretty much everyone (but mostly me).   No Clomid.  No charting.  No timing.  No ovulation predictor tests. No, it was “the old fashioned way”.  Bizarre.

So again, I was focused on being pregnant.  By this point, it was a state that I was rather used to being in.  But I knew, the whole time, that this was it.  The last time I would be pregnant.  Of course, it doesn’t have the same impact to realize that while you are still pregnant because, like it or not, your focus is still entirely wrapped up in the business of growing a baby.  So it’s more of an abstract idea.

Even now, not being pregnant again EVER seems pretty abstract to me.  But it is what it is.  And now… Now what do I do?  Who am I?  Does this change who I am?  What kind of person will I grow into now that I will no longer grow life inside of me?  Does this mean no more pregnancy tests?  Like… for EVER?   What will I DO with myself?

I suppose the answer, for now, is take care of Evie and try to keep Liam from burning the house down.  That will probably take up a great deal of time because Evie LOVES to be held 24/7 and Liam is determined to destroy the house in a way that I’ve never seen before.  Still, I know this stage is short-lived.  Evie will grow and become more independent (*sniff*) and Liam will (hopefully) mature and realize that when we say “NO” that perhaps we actually mean “NO”.

Call me crazy, but a girl can dream.

So that’s it.  I’m done.  No more babies.  I can’t really wrap my mind around it.  Does this mean I have to find a hobby?   And if so, what should it be?  Because I can’t craft worth a darn.

Filed under Family Circus, Infertility Bites, Seriously |

Posted on January 11th, 2008

I’ve talked about this before, about how I feel about our “luck” with getting pregnant after so many years of feeling definitely “unlucky”.  And throughout this pregnancy so far, I’ve struggled with feeling as if all those months waiting, all those negative pregnancy tests, all those Clomid pills were maybe figments of my imagination.  Or that maybe in the light of our getting pregnant this time so easily has rendered those experiences as nill.  They don’t count.  I may have thought I was infertile, but guess not!

I hate to think of people who are struggling right now, trying so hard to get pregnant, visiting this blog and feeling worse about their situation.  I do talk about my pregnancy, my doctor visits and ultrasound pictures, and I do understand how hard those things are when you feel so left out of the Fertile Circle.  But it’s not my intention to make anyone feel this way.  Still, there’s no way to avoid it, really.

It does seem as if everyone and their dog is pregnant right now.  It’s not just bloggers either (though there are so many of us at this point I can hardly keep track). I know several people in my personal life who are also pregnant.  And then there are the celebrities.  Everywhere you go you hear about Halle Berry or Christina Aquilera or Jennifer Lopez.  Oh, and apparently Nicole Kidman is pregnant too.  Of course!  Baby bellies are everywhere!

Plainly put, it’s a BAD time to be infertile.  It’s a bad time to be sensitive to other’s pregnancies.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I wish that everyone who wanted to get pregnant would just get pregnant.  I wish it worked that way.  I don’t know why it doesn’t.  I don’t know why or how I got pregnant so easily this last July.  It defies all my logic.  For so many years, I clung to the idea that if I wanted to get pregnant on my own that I could.  I just had to keep trying.  And you know?  I lost a lot of years that way.  Not just years where I wasn’t pregnant or years between Harry and a sibling.  But years that I could have better spent with Harry and just enjoyed our moments together.  That is why now, after I have a baby in my arms, I find myself looking at Harry in bewilderment.  One day he was three and now he’s EIGHT.   Those are years I’m never getting back.  So yeah, I learned in time that it was best to embrace my infertile status and work towards the goal of getting this baby, come hell or high water.

And then, after all that, I got pregnant on my own and BY SURPRISE.  I can’t even convey to you how surprising this was to me.  It still IS to me.  Just when I was accepting my status as a defunct conceiver, I get pregnant just like your average ordinary Fertile Myrtle.  I have become that person that the Infertile Myrtle is most wary and resentful of: the woman who gets pregnant just like that and already has two lovely children at home.  GAH.

All I can do is be grateful.  Every.  Single.  Day.  And I am.  My perfect family finally seems attainable.  It’s not too much to ask that now that I have mine, that you all have yours too, is it?

Filed under Infertility Bites, Pregnant?, Seriously |

Posted on October 29th, 2007

I found this meme over at Hollow Squirrel and it is RIGHT up my alley. Like the literary meme that’s going around (which I did last year, I think), you take a list of scary movies and note whether you’ve seen them or not. Very timely, considering the holiday and all. So if this is your bag, feel free to participate and add movies to the list as you see fit.

Bold those you’ve seen.
Italicize movies you have started but couldn’t finish.
Add an asterisk* to those you have watched more than once.
Underline those on your To Watch list.

• THE SHINING*
  Yeah, seen this one MANY times. It is one of my dad’s favorite movies so I’ve seen this one since I was pretty young, actually. Scary? HELL YES. But I’m just used to it at this point. Which isn’t to say that it hasn’t given me nightmares. In college, I had more than a few “Shining dreams” where my dad would be chasing me and/or the rest of the family with an axe. Ugh. Damn yous, Stanley Kubrick!
• THE EXORCIST
  Yeah, surprisingly that I want to see it, huh? But I feel like I *should* see it and I’m surprised that I haven’t.  I’m sure I’ll see it eventually. 
  
• THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
  On the other hand, here’s a movie I haven’t seen and don’t want to see.  I’m not a big “bloodbath” fan.  There’s psychological thrillers and then there’s gore-fests.  I’m not a gore fan.  So no.  Never.
• THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS*
  Who hasn’t seen this one?  It’s a classic and while it’s scary, I don’t really consider it a horror movie.  But the whole scene where Jodi Foster is walking through the house looking for the dude and he has the night vision goggles?  FREAKED ME THE HECK OUT.  I think I screamed into a pillow on the couch several times during that whole thing.
• JAWS*
  I didn’t chose to watch this movie.  My sister, who is 8 years older than I am, was babysitting me and it was on tv and she held me on her lap while we watched.  Sounds nice, but she did that so I wouldn’t get up and run to the other room during the scary parts like I normally would do.  She would also make sure I wasn’t closing my eyes and wouldn’t let me plug my ears either.  AUGH.  The ocean still freaks me out to this day.  I have no excuse for why I’ve seen it more than once though.  Glutton for punishment, I guess.
• HALLOWEEN
  Haven’t seen it, don’t want to see it.  Just seeing clips of that dude walking freaks me out.  Let’s not even talk about the mask.
• PSYCHO
  Actually saw this one in high school during a film class.  It was freaky, yes, but more scary than gory and I can handle that.  I gripped my desk and gnawed on my pencil pretty good during the scary parts, though.
• SEVEN
  I’ve seen it but I barely remember it.  I remember how it ended though and that pretty much freaked me out.  It’s a serial killer movie and unlike Silence of the Lambs, was more gory than psychological so there was a lot of peeking from behind my hands going on.
• ROSEMARY’S BABY
  Yeah, no.  Don’t need to be afraid of babies now.  Or having them.  Or anything associated with that whole process. I can live a happy life never having seen this one.
• POLTERGEIST*
  Oh, so many times I have seen this one.  I can remember my family renting this when I was a kid.  As they were all at least 8 years older than I am, it was appropriate for them.  Not so much for me. For some reason, I watched it anyway.  I have fond memories of running into the living room and hiding behind the couch until I felt it was safe to return to the family room again.  The scene where the dude’s face comes off did something really awful to me.
• A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
  Dear god.  I should have known better.  This movie was on as my family was getting ready to leave on a camping trip.  Sounds innocent.  So I watched instead of helping pack supplies out to the car.  I’m not even sure I saw the whole thing.  Maybe I didn’t.  But the damage was done.  I didn’t sleep a wink that night, in my tent.  I had a friend with me and she slept fine.  I remember waking her up in the middle of the night and telling her that she had to walk with me to the bathroom because we weren’t allowed to go by ourselves.  I totally made that up, because I didn’t want to go outside alone.  When the birds started chirping, I knew it was morning and I was SO glad it wasn’t even funny.
• THE THING
  Nope.  And no thanks.
• THE EVIL DEAD
  Haven’t seen this one, but I did see Army of Darkness and kinda enjoyed it.  Not quite enough to go back and watch this one though.
• CARRIE
  Stephen King is a sick, sick man.  This is a great movie because it is psychological.
• NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
  No thanks.  I’ll pass.
• THE OMEN
  No thanks.  I’ll pass.  Again.
• AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON
  Another movie I saw courtesy of my sister.  And no, Mrs. Squirrel, it is NOT the one with Michael J. Fox.  The scene where the guys are attacked in the English countryside is downright horrific.  Hence it’s inclusion in this list, I suppose.
• HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER
  Nope.  I don’t dig serial killers.  Not one bit.
• THE HITCHER
  Mmmm… no.
• LOST HIGHWAY
  Never heard of it, never want to.  Sounds like something I’d stumble upon on cable on a Saturday afternoon and discover too late that it’s definitely not my cup of tea though.  Sort of like that movie where all the cannibals in West Virginia eat all those college students.
• The Blair Witch Project
  We rented this one the weekend before Harry was born.  I’ll always remember curling up on our bed, just the two of us for the last time like EVER, in our old apartment.  Too bad most of those memories are viewed through the fingers on my hands as that’s how I think I viewed the majority of this movie.
• Pet Semetary
  Nope.  I like pets.  I want to keep liking pets.
• Event Horizon
  Dear, sweet Jesus.  I thought this was a simple sci-fi movie.  I went to see this at the $1.50 theater in college and I was SO scared I couldn’t even leave my seat to go hide in the bathroom like I would normally do.  That says something.  I was scared SO BAD.  I don’t even remember what about it scared me so much but to this day, the words “Event Horizon” equate with terror in my mind.
• Scream*
  I saw this with my now-husband back when we were in college at the $1.50 theater. I was scared witless the first time I saw it, but was able to appreciate the humor and the poking fun at other horror movies. I’ve seen it a lot more times since then and it doesn’t scare me near as bad anymore.

So, do you have any to add to the list?  More importantly, do you feel like I do about horror movies or do you actually enjoy them?

Filed under Infertility Bites, That's Entertainment |

Posted on August 21st, 2007

Look what Kile brought home!  I guess the question is now: do I take it as soon as I can or do I wait until morning?  Does it even matter at this point?  Truthfully, I’m a little nervous to take the darned thing.  I’m pretty certain it’s going to be negative.  But once it comes up negative then I just need to ride my hormonal cocktail until the bitter end.  The “fun” of wondering will be over.  Boo!  But I think it’s got to be done.  I may have a lynch mob at my virtual door if I don’t.  Plus the fact that Kile went to untold trouble to get me this test in the first place.  So I guess I should take it.  But the question remains: now or later?  I don’t have to pee right now so I guess it’s going to be later no matter what.  Just how later.  Hmm.  Interesting.

Filed under Infertility Bites |