You know how you feel after Christmas and New Year’s is over?  Kind of sad, depressed, let down and empty?  (Or is that just me?)  Coming home from a vacation like the one we were on is just like that.  BUT WORSE.

I keep joking that Kile and I are ruined for other vacations now.  That our expectations of just how awesome a trip can be has made our usual vacations to visit family in San Jose and Elko that much more… well… lame.  It’s not that visiting family is lame.  But we now know what a vacation can feel like.  And visiting family, as nice as it is, is not a vacation.  It’s not activities piled on food piled on adventure.  Good, yes.  Absolutely fabulous?  Not so much.

The bad news is: that’s the sort of vacation we take.  We’re not the sort of family that can just take these fabulous family vacations once a year (or even once every five years).  It just doesn’t HAPPEN. So I just worry that we’re going to feel depressed when it comes to vacation time now.  Because, you know, driving over Donner isn’t the Disney Cruise.  Shopping at Walmart in Elko isn’t the Magic Kingdom.

SIGH.

Our longing has been so bad that Kile has been madly researching future vacations that we might (theoretically) take.  Right now leading the pack is an Alaskan cruise.  It’s fun to play “what if” but I don’t know how realistic going on one of those would be.  But, oh boy, would it be awesome.

So life here in Reno has been rather disappointing since we returned.  In large part because August sucks.

Remember the venom I used to spew forth in regards to March?  Oh, how March was loathed here.  But then Evie was born in March.  And now it’s a “good” month (I’m still keeping my eye on it though).   With the focus off of March, August has stepped into the limelight.

My dislike for August isn’t exactly new.  Just like my dislike for March wasn’t a new thing when Jackson died.  It just is.  And why?

The big reason is Kile’s work schedule.  August is a mondo month at the University.  And a mondo month for the housing department.  It means long hours, working weekends, stress and no days off.  It was a REALLY big deal that Kile was able to go on our Disney Extravaganza considering such time off in August is not usual.  It makes him crabby.  And when Kile gets crabby, I get crabby.  And when I get crabby, the kids hide.

Seriously though, it does have an impact on the household.  And I count the days until September and things can return to quasi-normal.

Also: August is the month that I had the D&E back in 2005.  I had found out that my pregnancy was kaput and was sent on a hellish roller coaster that resulted in our nightly alcohol drinking for the duration of the month, just to get through. (Though come to think of it, I think every August should have nightly alcohol drinking because that wasn’t half bad.)   It was bad, that August.

Then there was that August a couple years ago that I was on an emotional roller coaster, unsure of where the ground was.  I eventually discovered I was pregnant and that was GOOD, but the emotional fallout from that month continues to haunt me to this day.  It was bad.  Bad enough that it has changed me in some not so good ways and I’m not sure I can ever be the same person I was before.

Finally, there’s the obvious: the heat.  Not a big fan of heat in general, by the time August rolls around I HAVE HAD IT.   The days and days and days of hot, hot weather have taken their toll and I’m just plain SICK of it.  It makes me crabby to have yet another day of mid to high 90 degree temperatures.  On top of everything else, the heat causes extra stress, extra pain and extra orneriness.   For instance, right now I’m so ready for fall and fall temperatures that when we had a downright COOL day on Sunday, I almost cried with relief.

We were married in August, which is GOOD.  In my opinion, a month like this NEEDS some good stuff.  But the anniversary is in the beginning of the month and August doesn’t really start to really suck the big one until the middle to the end of the month.

So yes, our Disney trip was AWESOME this month.  And you would think that would be enough to redeem the entire month, at least for this year.  But as I see it, the Disney trip was a respite from a shitty month.  And even the trip would have been that much more awesome had it taken place in almost any other month.  And the coming home from the Disney trip has only served to ADD to the suck that is August.

Basically, I’m a rather disgruntled person and if August knew what was good for it, it’d just hurry up the next seven days and get me the heck to September already.

I surely can’t be the only one out there who is thinking that April is kinda awful this year.  There has been too much.  So much bad news.  So much sadness.  It’s almost to the point that I am reluctant to open up Google Reader or peek on Facebook.  Who will be cursed next?  You?  Me?  Someone else equally undeserving?

Enough.  Enough, I say.

So… let’s distract ourselves, shall we?

It’s not a pretty tactic, but at this stage in the game, it’s all I can do.  I can’t take anymore.  I quite literally CANNOT.  My goose is cooked.  Stick a fork in me.  I’m done.

So distraction it is!

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Hmm.

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You know what?  I can’t think of anything.  My head is too full, my heart hurts and as much as I want to, I can’t find a suitable distraction today.

In lieu of that, lets just go hug our little ones a little a little closer, breathe in their scent and enjoy their health.  That’s a pretty good distraction, is it not?

Yesterday was just a sad, sad day.  My mind was almost constantly on dear Maddie and her parents and aching for the loss.  Why did this hit me so hard?  I mean, there’s the obvious reason: a young girl dies tragically leaving her parents shattered.  But I also didn’t know Maddie or the Spohr’s or anyone related to them.  I just knew OF them.  And yet, I felt like a part of my heart had been torn from my body.  Every time I saw a picture of that precious little girl, my heart would re-fracture and the tears would start.

Maybe it’s because the emotions are all too familiar.  It is all too easy for me to imagine what the Spohr’s felt and are feeling.  While I absolultely do not fathom the magnitude of their loss, I have had that moment where the floor falls away, the room spins and the earth tilts off it’s axis, leaving you wondering which end is up and how the world will ever make sense ever again.  That fear that all parents have, the flash of “what if” that we experience during close calls… I have an inkling of what it feels like when all the bad stuff comes true.  The sick feeling goes on and intensifies and consumes your soul.  You either cry at the drop of a hat or cannot even muster the coherence to cry, depending on the day, the hour, the moment, the instant.

The nights are the worst.  You begin to dread going to bed.  Especially when your husband is blessed to be able to fall asleep relatively easily and deeply, leaving you laying awake, alone with the night.  That is when the pace of the day is behind you and your thoughts take over.  That is when there is nothing to distract you but the sound and feeling of your heart breaking all over again.  No one is there to hug you, listen to you, tell you it will all be all right.  Night is when the deepness and the dark and the sorrow seem to have no end.  Night is when you wonder if you will ever be whole again.

This goes on.  And on and on and on.  Days melt into weeks melt into months melt into years.  And for the rest of your life, you will always know what it feels like to have the floor fall out beneath you.  You are a member of that club, the club that NO one ever wants to join.  That no one ever should have to join.  So when you read or hear about stories that have any sort of common thread with your own, you heart fractures along those same, familiar lines yet again.

I don’t know exactly how the Spohr’s are feeling.  But I have an idea.

I did something unwise as we were going to bed last night. I fired up Safari on my iPhone to catch up on a couple blogs while Kile tucked the boys in and got into bed himself. This was a poor idea because I read something that brought me to my knees. That sucked the air from my lungs. That made me feel like I was going to throw up. That caused me to cry and ache and alarm my poor husband.

Maddie died last night.

If you haven’t been reading Mamasphor, you may not know Maddie. But I’ve been reading about her and her family for quite a while now. And while I knew that her prematurity gave her a lot of health issues, she was still a vibrant, happy little girl. Not too much older than Evie. I would get nervous whenever Maddie was sick, particularly this last fall when she was hospitalized. But she recovered.

And now? Now…

I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep, think of this beautiful little girl and her poor parents. Kile tried to distract me, and it sorta worked. Instead I found myself all upset and enraged about this kid who has been stealing food out of Harry’s lunch at school.  That’s productive, huh?

And when I heard Evie cry and moan over the monitor? Instead of willing her to fall back to sleep like I normally would, I leapt out of bed to retrieve her. I held her tight, reveling in her weight. In her health.  I kissed her head and stroked her hair and cried for a poor baby girl and a mama who won’t get to do that with her daughter ever again.

It’s not fair.  It’s not right.

There isn’t much I or anyone else can do.  But what I can do is donate the paltry amount currently residing in my PayPal account to her March of Dimes campaign and join the walk.  And I shall do both.   How about you?

UPDATE: Heather’s (aka mamaspohr) blog has been down for the better part of the day.  To hear why and what has been done about it, read this.

I continue to be just heartsick about this.  I cannot concentrate on anything.  I weep for a child I never knew.

Do you ever feel blue?

Do you ever wonder when things will “get easier”?

Do you ever then stop and wonder if maybe what is hard for you isn’t so hard for someone else?

Do you ever think someone (everyone) will think you are lame, a drama queen, pathetic, soft, etc because you have such a hard time?

Do you ever feel as though, regardless of how self-conscious you are about it, that the world is weighing on your shoulders ALL THE TIME?

Do you ever wake up in the night with your jaw and fists clenched?

Do you ever have a hard time just making yourself RELAX?

Do you ever think that maybe you are harming your children in some way with your sadness? Maybe not the little ones because they don’t notice as much but the nine-year-old for sure?

Do you ever wonder if they would be truly better off without you?

Do you ever watch those depression medication commercials and think that the “depressed” person is actually pretty normal?

Do you ever watch those same commercials and think that the happy person “after” the medication is unrealistic because NO WAY is anyone that happy on a general basis?

Do you ever think those silly online “Are You Depressed” quizes don’t apply to you because they ask if you have ever contemplated suicide and of course you would never, ever do that?

Do you ever then think that while you don’t have the stomach for a razor blade that maybe a fatal accident or fatal illness would be the better way to go?

Do you ever stop and realize how weird that sounds and that you are beyond stupid for even thinking it in the first place?

Do you ever then find a little voice saying in the back of your head, “Even if it’s true?”

Do you ever wonder if maybe you aren’t getting over the death of your child, spouse, parent, loved-one as well as you thought you were?

Do you find yourself having this entire monologue with yourself while you’re taking a shower, trying to will your sore muscles to relax and realizing that the hot water has already been mostly used up?

Do you ever then think that maybe you deserve not to have hot water for thinking such silly and stupid thoughts?

If you have or if you do, then we have something in common, I think.