Jackson

I haven’t really addressed this issue since Liam was born, but I didn’t want anyone reading to think that this is not on my mind.? Particularly those reading who have had similar experiences.? What I’m talking about is Jackson.? Stillbirth.? Loss.

I’ve found myself looking at the pictures we took of him and finding ways in which he and Liam look alike.? They had the same mouth and chin.? But Jackson’s head was more like Harrisons.? I can’t comment on eyes, since I never got to see them.

I read something yesterday that made me think.? Columnist Jeff Zaslow wrote a column a few years ago for the Wall Street Journal, apparently, on parents who have survived the loss of a child.? And he discussed how there is no word for those people.? If you lose your parents, you are an “orphan”.? If you lose a spouse, you are a “widow” or “widower”.? How about if you lose a child?? What are you called then?

I like to submit an answer.? If you lose a child, you are called a “parent”.? Because regardless of whether or not you have existing or subsequent children, you are a parent for always and forever.? You aren’t a parent in the way society most commonly views being a parent, or even in the way you always expected and imagined it would be.? But you do have a child.? The word “parent” doesn’t seperate you from the more fortunate ones who have living children, but it does let you know that you are a member of that club.? I hope that someday all of us as parents can embrace those of our ranks who have lost their children better than we do now.? Give them the honor and respect they deserve.

It’s been 2 ¹/₂ years since we lost Jackson on that harsh March morning. While I’m about a million times better than what I was 2 years ago, I’m a million years away from being over it.? I’ll never be over it, not for the rest of my life.? There’s a lifetime of mourning left for me to do.? Hemingway once bragged that he could that he could write a novel using only six words.? Of course, no one believed him and in order to prove it, he gave them the six words: “For sale: Baby shoes, never worn.”? Truer words, people, truer words.

Today was a nice day.? After church and lunch, we stopped by Babies R Us to get a few things off our list.? The plan was to get the stroller, breastpump and diaper pail.? However, they didn’t have the diaper pail and we’re still debating on the breastpump issue.? So we ended up getting the stroller (which I *ADORE*, it’s absolutely perfect for us), an ear thermometer and a nursery health care set (nose syringe, clippers, medicine droppers, etc).? Didn’t spend up to our pre-set spending limit for the month, but we figure if I earn anything this month we can spend some of that for some more stuff.? It was a giant step forward for us.? Truly.? It was just a blatant display of HOPE.? Nevermind we have to start buying now if we want to be able to get all that we need before July 11th, it was a leap of faith for us.? Forcing us to acknowledge that we may actually be blessed with a baby.? Exciting and terrifying all at once.

Also, you may have noticed that I’ve been transcribing entries from a journal I kept while pregnant with Jackson.? Or… maybe you haven’t. ;)? Either way, my plan to was to only transcribe as far as I am pregnant now.? Didn’t take me too long to see how that would be a bad idea, as far as my nerves later on in this pregnancy.? So I put my transcribing into double time.? And I’ve finally gotten past that horrible day. Morning, really.? It was less than 12 hours but took me 7 entries to cover.? If you’re interested, have yourself a look but I’m warning you now.? It may be a little depressing and all.? But that’s to be expected.? It was hard just transcribing things, reading it, feeling it again.? I’m glad I’m past it though.? It’ll be better for looking forward.

The graveside service was on the 31st.? It went very well, considering but oh so sad.? Sitting in front of that little blue casket, holding K’s hand.? How did I get there??? How was that *me*?? How could that have happened to me?? Wasn’t I luckier than that?? Well, apparently not.

We had a reception, of sorts, back at the house.? K’s siblings and their kids were in town.? Just for the day.? All I wanted to do was crawl in bed and sleep, but I made it through.? I was glad when it was done, though.

Thursday, the next day, is when we went to San Jose.? I wasn’t all sure I wanted to go and even now I’m not sure if it was the best idea.? We were very glad to be back home again. Now… other news.

The house!? Boy, it’s really coming along.? Believe it or not, it actually looks like a house now.? No fooling.? It’s all framed up, windows, roof, siding and exterior doors.? It’s very exciting. And just what we need right now.? It’s becoming real. The drywall will come next.? They’ve kinda messed up our master bath.? Nothing that can’t be fixed though.? Essentially, they framed out the bathtub as a linen closet.? Urgh.? Imagine we’ll have our own pre-drywall consultation pretty soon.? I’m actually surprised they haven’t called to schedule it yet.

According to CTX, the house should be ready about May 14. Wow.? Well, I’ll believe that when I see it.? Still, it’s coming up very soon and we need to get PACKING.

I went to MOPS on Wednesday.? I was determined to be there.? Those gals have been so wonderful, bringing us meals and all.? And I wanted to see the new babies.? Heidi had hers the day before Jackson was born.? It went well.? Lots of support.? Yes, I did get wistful.? There should have been THREE babies at our table, not two.? But I got to hold both Robbie and Phoebe.? And they were precious.? I’m so glad I got to hold them.

Yesterday was not a very good day here.? While we were still in San Jose, H was a terror.? the turmoil and all the attention really was making act out.? He was a nightmare.? And yesterday there was a continuation.? He wet his pants THREE times in a ROW.? I just lost it.? I hold on by a very thin thread each day anyhow and that just put me over the edge.

Why can’t I have something easy?? It seems we’ve had to struggle so much the last few years.? Nothing has come easy and more often than not, we have disappointment.? Failure.? In this case, all of that and grief.? :sigh

Anyhow.? Taking it a day at a time.? We want to try again ASAP.? Hopefully, it won’t take us as long this time.? That’d kill me.? No, I have to believe that we’ll get pregnant again soon and that we will have a healthy baby at the end of it.

Joy asked us then if we wanted to see the baby.? Of course, there was hesitation.? I don’t think either of us was sure we wanted to see a dead baby, even if he was ours.? Maybe especially if he was ours.? But then I had a flash, of five years into the future and regretting never seeing my baby.? So we said yes.

She came in with him, bundled up in a crotcheted, blue blanket and wearing a smaller sleeper and a knitted cap.? She placed him in my arms.? He was SO small.? Just six pounds even.? And scarcely more than 18 inches long.? Very small.? And he was bruised, all over his sweet little face.? Since they estimated he’d passed three days earlier, his skin was starting to pull away, I saw this on his hands.? But he was perfect.? He looked like our son.? I saw him and I recognized him.? He had my mouth.? And his hair, what little there was, was a little on the curly side and dark.? His fingers felt so right, curled so gently around my index finger.? I’m sad now, knowing he’ll never know my touch.? But am forever grateful that I knew his.? His cheek was slightly warmer.? Or maybe less cold.? But it was still so soft and just the littlest big chubby.? I could have stroked his cheek all day. ? All the rest of my life.

I gave him to K to hold.? I know he was reluctant at first.? But once he had him in his arms, I know he didn’t want to let him go.? Afterward, K said that the *weight* of him felt so good in his arms.? It was that weight that eased his heart a little.? I felt the same. In fact, even after Joy took him away, we felt better than we had all morning.? I wouldn’t say we felt *good*, but we felt able to get through the rest of the day.? I’m so glad I held him.? I’ll cherish that forever.

I could go on about everything that has happened since.? Lord knows, a lot happened.? The highlights: Joy got me a room up on the 3rd floor, the oncology ward to be exact.? The nurses there were fabulous, so wonderful.? K even had a cot to sleep on and he stayed with me until I was discharged (early, because of my pleadings). K’s parents were there by the time I got to my room on the day of the c-section.? My parents came Thursday afternoon.? We met with Pastor Joe from South Reno Baptist while still in the hospital.? He got us set up with a funeral home, the same one that Tim (Carrie’s husband, she’s from MOPS) works for.? We were *amazed* at how well he treated us.? And we didn’t have to pay one red cent.? I think the church may have kicked in for the expenses.? Between that and wonderful Pastor Joe and the fabulous gals at MOPS (who bought us a Honeybaked Ham), we owe that church a LOT.