Category Archive for Noteworthy

It’s hard when you become a parent, particularly a stay at home parent, to have the kinds of friends you had when you were younger. I feel like I’ve talked about this so many times that you’re all probably bored to tears. Still, I’ve reached some peace with the whole topic, I think. I recognize that part of what makes it so hard when we become parents is that our schedules are so hard to synchronize. When you’re talking about two moms who have young kids at home, you have to find a time that they can both get away from their kids, if you want to do a “mom’s only” sort of outing. And then, everyone has to be in the best of health. No colds, fevers, flus, aches, pains, etc. That goes for the husbands too because surely we cannot expect them to watch the children when they themselves are ill, right? The sick thing also goes if you just want to get together for coffee and let the kids play because naturally if one child is sick then ALL the kids are sick. And, a lot more subtle is that there must be a desire from both mom’s to actually get together. Taking care of kids all the time makes one feel rather tired. Sometimes it is just easier to stay put alone than it is to go out on a limb and get together. And sometimes it’s easier to just keep the status quo. Yes, it’s lonely. But it’s predictable. I’ve done this a couple times myself, I’m rather ashamed to say. I’m trying to go out on a limb more, to put myself out there. It does seem like after you’ve spent so many years shut off from society (honestly, that’s what it feels like sometimes) that it’s even harder to put yourself out there. Doubly so if you’ve been burnt in the friends department.

I was reading a post on another blog that was completely about a different subject altogether but one line made me start thinking of what my idea mama friend checklist would look like. What qualities and capabilities would I want from a BFF? It’s certainly different now than it was in high school. So here is what I’ve come up with so far:

• Willing to make last minute plans. Say it was a Saturday afternoon and I have an urge to go out shopping for clothes. The boys would rather be shot than venture out to the mall so it looks like I have to go on my own. In this situation, I could call up a mama friend and ask if had anything going on and would she like to go shopping with me. In this ideal situation, she would say yes to this initiation more often than not.
• Looking back at that first “requirement”, I realize I need to add “I would feel confident enough to call her up at a moment’s notice like that.” Because we all know I’m awful with the phone. Better with text messaging but that’s not the same and we all know it. I never feel confident just calling people up out of the blue. Pretty much the only person I ever call is my mother. I don’t know what it would take for me to feel that comfortable but I imagine in the right friendship with the right intimacy level, it’s possible.
• Someone I can share all the details with. Now, I tend to sort of do this anyhow, even in situations where I probably shouldn’t. I have no idea why I do that. But it would be nice to know that I would never regret speaking my mind and spilling the intimate details. Sometimes I worry afterward if I should have spilled it all and how awesome would it be to know that the secret is safe with her?
• Someone who would make me a priority. This is a tough one. When you’re a mom, your priorities shift dramatically from what they were in high school. Your husband and kids become your first priorities, as they should be. Before you know it, you’re up to your eyeballs in priorities. Home, church, school, work (if you work), relatives… Gah! Friends definitely can get lost in the mix. And I do understand this is not a cut and dry issue. Still, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I’m a priority outside of my own family. How great would it be to have a friend say she’s going to make a point to spend some time with me, regardless of what else might be going on?
• Husbands who enjoy each other. Wouldn’t it be a tragedy to have all the other “checkpoints” marked off and this one fails? I’m sure we’ve all seen it happen. The moms get along famously and have high hopes for all the fun their families will have together. Then, the husbands meet and the general reactions is… meh. They don’t have anything in common, they have conflicting personalities, whatever. Finding a good match between husbands can be as difficult as finding a good mom to be friends with in the first place! I always feel a tingle of happiness when my husband gets along great with another husband, talking up a storm or playing video games together.
• Lastly, someone who genuinely cares about me and my family. I’ve been lucky. I’ve known a lot of people who care about me and my family. Some of them have been friends and some of them have been more acquaintances, but we’ve still been very blessed in that department. Sometimes though, I think it’s easy for this one to take a backseat. People get wrapped up in their own lives, their own families, their own issues and forget to wonder how the other side feels. It happens when we get busy, I think. The last thing we want to do is hurt each other’s feelings (I desperately want to believe that), but sometimes I think we lose sight of others. It’d be awesome to find a friend who would be kind, understanding and compassionate towards me and mine on a fairly consistent basis.

I’m sure there are more points and that I’ll think of them over the days and weeks to come. But these are the groundwork. I definitely realize how difficult it is for all these planets align, too. Trust me, I understand. I’ve seen firsthand how friendships suffer after we become parents. Still, I refuse to give up on my ideal dream. I believe I can have a great friendship with someone. It might not happen this year, or even next year. But some day (of course, hopefully sooner rather than later).

What about you? Do you have an “ideal friend checklist”?

Tags: checklist, friends, ideal, lonely, motherhood
Filed under Noteworthy |

The lovely lady behind Lag Liv recently tagged me for a very intriguing meme. It’s so rarely that I’m actually tagged for a meme, that I had to do it. Plus, I had to admit, it was a danged fine meme. Who am I kidding? I probably would have done this one anyhow, tagged or not. That’s just how I roll.

THE RULES:

** Post about the meme and link back to the person that tagged you.
** Go back to your archives and link to your five favorite posts.

Link One: must be about family
Link Two: must be about friends
Link Three: must be about yourself
Link Four: must be about something you love
Link Five: can be anything you choose

** Tag five other people (at least two must be new acquaintances so that you can get to know them better). Oh please. We all know I’m not going to follow this particular rule. I am a horrible tagger. I would a) not have the guts to actually tag them in the first place for fear that they would blatantly ignore me and think me a dweeb and b) not have the guts to go to their blog and tell them they were tagged. So there you have it. No tagging. But if you want to do it and/or actually do this meme on your blog, LET ME KNOW so I can go peep at your answers. Deal?

1. Family Hmm. This is hard. Because pretty much a LOT of my posts are about my family. And it was pretty hard to find a “favorite” among those. I finally settled on “Spacing” which I posted last April. While a lot of the content is rather ironic considering my current condition, I think it’s a poignant look at “family planning” and how the whole “planning” thing is really just an illusion.
2. Friends Gah. Heh. I could basically go two directions on this. Fondly or not so. Let’s see… There’s this post where I talk about my anti-social tendencies that have only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older and more isolated. There’s also this post where I discuss how much I am lonely and want to have friends (do I sense a contradiction? Yes, I do!). There’s even this post where I tried (rather unsuccessfully, actually) to kiss some butt and mend some fences. I tried looking for some positive friendship posts but I couldn’t find much that I actually really liked. I guess I need to start writing more positive things about friendships in here, huh?
3. Myself Oh, this shouldn’t be difficult at all. There’s a TON of posts about me on here. I like this post about wanting to find more self-confidence now that I’m getting older. Then again, I also really, really like this post where I expose my feelings about being able to get pregnant so easily a) after suffering infertility and b) when I know so many that struggle so hard. Tough choice! I love them both.
4. Something I Love Well, there is the post I wrote last night about our new bad. I love that pretty much a WHOLE lot. BUT, in the interest of romance, I’m going to have to forgo that one in lieu of this rather schmoopy post from our anniversary this last year. And every word of it? TOTALLY TRUE. I definitely do love that man of mine. Absolutely have no idea what I’d do without him.
5. My Choice Hoo boy! I’ve got a couple here (again!) (good thing the rules aren’t too specific about only picking ONE post). I *LOVE* this post about my religious leanings. I could write that post over every six months or so and probably have a different post each time. But this pretty much holds true. I also love this post I wrote on Jackson’s third birthday (or what would have been, rather) last year. How about this post where Liam was introduced for the first time? That was such an awesome day. And then I like this post where I put up some advice about dealing with someone who has had a miscarriage or stillbirth or the like.

Whew! I think that covers it! At least, it damn well better cover it. I’ve easily been working on this darn post for the last 12 hours. Okay, that’s a lie. I worked on it for a couple hours this morning and then we were out of the house all day long. But I put a good three hours in on this post. So that should count for SOMETHING, right?

Oh, and if you’re wondering? The new bed is just as fabulous as I always hoped it would be. Who knew that I wouldn’t have to flop like a fish out of water just to roll over, that I could simply just roll? It’s a miracle! That bed is my new BFF.

Tags: about me, best posts, links, meme
Filed under It's All About Me, Noteworthy |

There is no doubt in my mind. This pregnancy isn’t a result of luck or just mere chance. I do believe this is a gift from God, for whatever reason, and that it’s a miracle. I know not everyone shares my beliefs and that’s fine with me. Doesn’t change what I believe though. But it does make me wonder, why me? It’s hard not to question these things, even when you know you shouldn’t. It’s not for me to know why this has happened, but rather to accept it and do as best I can with the gift I’ve been given. This baby is a gift, a miracle. And ever since I found out I was pregnant, I’ve been trying to reconcile my feelings about it all.

I know so many women who deserve to be pregnant right now. There are ones who would like another. There are ones who would like to be able to stay pregnant (for pete’s sake). There are ones who would be happy with just one, that’s all they ask. There are ones who have been battered by loss and are scared of the journey. Suffice it to say, each of these women (and more) deserve to be in the position I am in right now. Maybe they deserve it more than I do.

We’ve been through quite a bit and for a while, I thought I actually might have belonged to the world of the infertile. I know, it sounds laughable now, doesn’t it? But for so many years after we had Harry, I simply could not get pregnant without Clomid. And believe me when I say, WE TRIED. I was so desperate that I avoided the RE’s office for a year on two separate occasions in the hopes that I could get pregnant on my own. I charted my temperature, I took vitamins, I did everything they say you should do. And in all of that I NEVER once got a positive pregnancy test. Ever. And the RE told me that I wasn’t ovulating on my own. That my thyroid was to blame. I’ve been on thyroid medication, but when we tried for a year after Jackson died I still didn’t get pregnant on my own. So yeah, maybe you can see why I thought maybe I was infertile.

But now I feel a little silly for even thinking that I was infertile. Because, obviously, I’m not. Sure, I doubted it before because you aren’t totally infertile when you can get pregnant on Clomid fairly easily, right? But here, getting pregnant completely out of the blue with pretty much zero effort on our part… No charting, no timing, no thought towards getting pregnant in the least. Does this mean I’m officially kicked out of “the club”?

I think I will always identify more with the people who have had difficulty getting pregnant than the ones who get knocked up at the drop of a hat. It goes without saying that I’ll identify with people who have suffered loss as well. I may not be in the club anymore, but I’ll never forget what that agony was like.

And I’ll always wonder if I’m worthy of this great miracle that has dropped in my lap.

Tags: deserving, infertility, links, loss, miracle, miscarriage, pregnancy
Filed under Noteworthy, Pregnant? |

Today is Liam’s first birthday. At 2:00pm on the nose, as a matter of fact. I’ve been dreading this moment from the day, the very hour, he was born. Because this moment signals my baby growing up. Having had Harry before him, I knew this first year would blaze by and never look back. And so I knew to try to cherish each moment. I think I did, but the moments still slipped between my fingers like sand. The tighter I would grasp, the quicker they’d slip. Looking back, I honestly can’t think of any times in which I wished time would speed up. I’ve amazed even myself, this last year, with my patience. Because, let’s face it, I’m not a very patient person. Even the middle of the night, when I’ve had to stumble into his room blindly (bashing into walls as I go), all I would need to do is scoop him up and hold him close to me and I would become overwhelmed with the desire to stand like that and hold him like that for the rest of my life. It won’t be too long before I cannot do that anymore.

This has been the most amazing year. It’s like the answer to the question, “What happens after your fondest wish is answered?” Actually, it’s been exactly that. Liam has been our Answer. And, you know, it’s been as wonderful as you’d expect. As we’d hoped. He has filled an open spot in our hearts and in our family so neatly, it’s as if he’s been here all along. He’s so different from Harrison and it’s truly been a joy discovering his personality and celebrating those differences. And then we’ll turn around and find out he’s more like Harrison than we thought and we are charmed by that as well. Because it further asserts that these two boys of mine are brothers. Brothers for life. How awesome is that?

Harry is already talking about us having another baby, can you believe it? He thinks he might want a girl this time. Though I wonder if that’s just because his best friend has a little brother and a new baby sister. Whatever the reason, I can’t help but think that I just want to enjoy this time with Liam for the short while it will last. I do want another baby, and sooner rather than later, but I want Liam to be my baby just a little while longer too.

Thinking of him growing up makes me want to cry. I love to watch him discover and learn and delight in the world around him but with each new discovery, he’s growing further and further away from me. I just don’t feel like I’m ready for that yet. I’m not ready for him to be one year old, but the day has arrived despite my wishes. So today, we will celebrate his life and the wonderful impact he has made on us and our family. We will eat, drink and have cake and ice cream. I’ll take pictures and document the day. And I’ll try to ignore the fact that my heart is breaking.

Here’s a little video I made for my beautiful boy. Enjoy, if you want to.

[see link on video's page]

Tags: birthday, Liam, video
Filed under L'il Liam, Noteworthy |